The Day I Decided 'Then I'll Do It' | Record of a Self-Employed Wife ④

Hello🌱 I am the sower of seeds.

Record of a Self-Employed Wife series
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▶ I write about my feelings of hitting a wall and being confused by our differences.
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Today, beyond the friction between us as a couple,

I would like to write about what I decided.

I would be happy if you could take a look.

Maybe it's just not possible anymore

Our way of thinking about agriculture.

Our approach to raising children.

We have clashed many times.

The challenge began when my husband said, 'Lemons are the way to go.' But when he gets angry about the children,

'Why do I have to go this far for you guys?'

'I'm tired. I just want to disappear.'

Sometimes, words like those would come out.

My husband's words when he was cornered were all painful to hear.

Honestly, I felt strong irritation.
I am in a supporting position.
I am the one supporting the agriculture my husband wants to do.

Even so,

Why does he say such negative things?

How could such irresponsible words come out?

“Maybe it’s impossible to keep doing this together.”

There have been many days when I thought that.

My husband is just overwhelmed too

But one day, I suddenly realized.

My husband is also at his limit—that’s all it is.

Perhaps he can only express the weight he is carrying through clumsy words.

That was when I thought:

Well then, I’ll just do it myself.

It doesn't have to be support.
Until my husband is ready,
I can just start a little ahead of him.

Even if my husband were to truly collapse along the way,
at that time, I would just do it.

It wasn't anger or a sense of rivalry,
but a quiet resolve that I would not give up.

Moving forward from here

From there, things started moving in a mysterious way.

Ideas came to me one after another,
and I began to tell my husband, “I want to do this,” or “How about doing it this way?”

Then,
my husband also began to listen little by little.
Perhaps it was conveyed that I was serious.

Conversations that were nothing but conflict
became, just a little, an “exchange of opinions.”

It is not that anything has been solved in a big way.
There are still many problems.

But now,
I can see a small glimmer of hope.

Thinking I was just a support role,
——I had been holding back somewhere.

But,
For the sake of my child.
For the sake of mothers who might struggle in the future.

And, for the sake of my own life.

I will not give up.
Instead of waiting for someone else to change,

First, I will stand on my own.

That is my determination now.

I am a sower of seeds🌱
Quietly, but surely, I will begin to till the soil.