[What You Need to Know] How Women Who Struggle in Relationships Can Find Lifelong Ease [Attachment Styles]

Kizuko
I have times when I enjoy dating, but it always feels exhausting.

Goro
What does it feel like when you say it's exhausting?

Kizuko
My emotions swing wildly when I'm in a relationship with him. I end up obsessing over things like a single word he said when he was leaving for the rest of my life.

Goro
How long has it been like that?

Kizuko
Since a long time ago. I thought maybe I'd get better at relationships once I became an adult. But in reality, I don't feel like I've gotten any better at it.

Goro
I see.

Kizuko
Sometimes I don't even want to date anymore, but deep down, I still want to be happy in a relationship just like my friends.

Goro
Kizuko, actually... there is a common reason why women find relationships exhausting. And this isn't about having a weak personality or being bad at dating, you know.

It's not about that at all.

Kizuko
Oh... is that so? Then what is the cause?

Goro
Actually... the more exhausting a woman finds relationships, the more likely she is to be highly sensitive and someone who truly values others.

Kizuko
Wait... that's a good thing, right?

Goro
Yes. It's a wonderful trait, but because of that, the 'bodyguard' in your head has become more sensitive to reactions than other people's.

Kizuko
A bodyguard in my head?

Goro
Yes. The more a woman finds relationships exhausting, the more sensitive the 'bodyguard' in her head is, so

- A slow reply to a text from him - A slightly different tone in his voice - A decrease in the frequency of meeting up

Even with such small changes,

it starts to panic and jump to conclusions, thinking, 'This might be dangerous!'

Kizuko
Being too overprotective might be a bit of a problem.

Goro
Today, I'm going to talk about the characteristics of women who tend to find love exhausting, from both the perspectives of neuroscience and psychology.

And I'll also explain in an easy-to-understand way

how to break free from that and
make love feel effortless for the rest of your life.

Kizuko
Yes, please do.

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Is being prone to anxiety a result of childhood?

So, this time, I'll be talking about
the characteristics of women who find love exhausting, and
how to make love feel easier.

Actually, just like Kizuko mentioned earlier,
women who find love exhausting
have something in common.

It is, as I mentioned before,
the bodyguard in your head
being a little too sensitive.

The bodyguard in your head
is working to protect you.

And
if that bodyguard is too sensitive,
every time there is a slight anomaly,
it will immediately sound an alarm
to protect you.

For example, like this:

Just because his reply to your text is a little late,
it says, "He might hate you. Be careful."

Just because his tone of voice is a little cold,
it says, "He might be angry. Don't get close."

Just because the frequency of your meetings has decreased a little,
it says, "He might not like you anymore.
Evacuate just in case."

In this way,
thebodyguard
is in a state of working too hard.

Now, as for the true identity of this bodyguard,
it is a part of the brain called theamygdala.

The amygdala is thedanger sensorin the brain.

The human brain
evolved while surrounded by dangerous environments.
In that process, a "device to detect danger quickly"
was necessary. That is the amygdala.

In other words, the amygdala is
a bodyguard to protect your life.

However, in the case of romance,
this bodyguard
can sometimes get a little confused.

So, for example,
when his reply to your text is slow,
the bodyguard
judges this as 'This might be dangerous!'

Then, in your body,
reactions like anxiety, tension, and a racing heart occur.

This isa state where the sympathetic nervous system is working stronglyand
your body is in 'fight or flight' mode.

But in reality,
he might just be busy with work.

In other words,
it is a state where the alarm is sounding even though there is no danger
.

So, why did
the bodyguard in your head
become too sensitive?

That is
largely related to your attachment pattern.

An attachment pattern is
a kind of mental habit
that appears when a person gets close to someone.

And it is said that this attachment pattern
is actually strongly influenced
by experiences from childhood.

For example,
when you were small,
you couldn't read your parents' moods,
affection was unstable,
or you were often scolded.

Growing up in this kind of environment,
a child's brain learns in this way:
'People might leave suddenly'
'I don't know if I can feel safe'

Then,
the bodyguard in your head,
in other words,the amygdala,becomes
more sensitive
to human relationships.

If this continues,
in romance,
'I might be abandoned'
'I might be disliked'
anxiety easily arises,
making it easy to develop an anxious attachment pattern.

When it comes to romance,
the bodyguard
starts making a fuss in advance, thinking 'This might be dangerous!'
This is
a major reason why romance becomes painful.

Hearing this far,
some women might think,
'So, I'm the problem.'

But actually, that is not the case.
Rather, women who tend to find romance painful often have:
• High sensitivity
• The ability to cherish others
• Sensitivity to the feelings of others

Many people have these wonderful talents.

Just,
think of it as
the bodyguard in your head just working a little too hard.

And,
attachment patterns
can be
reworked even after becoming an adult.

In psychology,
this is calledre-attachment.In other words,

by regulating your nervous system
and accumulating experiences where you feel safe,

your attachment pattern
will move closer to a secure type.I will explain more about this later.

Regarding this,
I will tell you later,

but before that,
I want to talk about two behaviors
that women who tend to find love exhausting often fall into.

And what's more,
these are things you do
because you think,
“I want to improve my relationship”or “I want to get along well with him.”

But in reality, those actions
are actually what cause your bodyguard to make even more noise.

------------------------------------------------------------

Two behaviors that make love exhausting

The first behavior
that women who find love exhausting often do is...

reading too much into the other person's reactions.

For example,
just because his reply to your message is a little late,
you keep thinking in your head,
“Is he angry?”
“Does he dislike me?”
“Did I say something weird?”

And then,
you end up constantly observing
the tone of his voice, his facial expressions, and his attitude—
all these tiny changes.

But this doesn't mean
that you are a high-maintenance person
or that you are bad at love.

It is simply that
the bodyguard inside you is just doing its job.

The bodyguard in your head
is desperately searching for signs
that say “this might be dangerous”
in order to protect you.

Therefore,
whenever it finds a small change,
it immediately sounds the alarm.

As a result,
your body
enters anxiety mode,
and you become even more anxious.

And the second behavior is...

trying to “avoid feeling anxious.”

・Trying not to be clingy
・Holding back from contacting them
・Trying to be strong

But actually,
this is counterproductive.

Because
a bodyguard's job is
to prepare for danger.

So,
if you force it down,
it will only make a bigger scene.

The more you try to erase your anxiety,
the more the bodyguard
concludes,
“See? It really is dangerous.”

Women who find love exhausting
・Over-analyze their partner's reactions
・Try to avoid feeling anxious
are doing these two things.

By trying to erase your anxiety,
you end up over-analyzing his reactions even more,
testing his attitude,
and being more careful than necessary,
which only makes the anxiety grow...
You get trapped in this vicious cycle.

In other words,
what you are doing to try to feel safe
is actually making your anxiety worse.

That is why
love becomes increasingly exhausting.

Hearing this, you might understand it in your head, but
I imagine there are people who still can't help but over-analyze his reactions
and push themselves too hard
to avoid feeling anxious.

So, how can you
break free from this state?

In the next chapter,
I will talk about
how to make love feel much easier.

-------------------------------------------------------

How to make love easier

So, what should you do?
The method is simple.

It is
not to make your bodyguard your enemy.

Many people
dislike their anxious selves.
They think, “I'm anxious again,”
“I'm so annoying,”
or “I'm a heavy woman.”

But you know, that's wrong.

That anxiety is
the
bodyguard's job
trying to protect you.

So, when you feel anxious,
first sit in a calm place,
take a slow, deep breath,
imagine there is a bodyguard inside you,
and say this to yourself:
"Thank you for always protecting me."

Then,
in your brain,
the excitement in your amygdala will begin to settle.

And,
once your body returns to a state of relative calm,
you will be able to think rationally.
This isthe neural circuit of safety.

And actually,
it's not that women who are successful in love
never feel anxious.

It's just that
they are good at calming their anxiety.

Women who find love easy have a certain characteristic.

That is the ability to 'return to a state of safety'.

For example,
if his text is late
and you feel anxious for a moment,

you are good at calming
the bodyguard in your head.

Taking deep breaths, relaxing your body,
doing something else...
The recovery method may vary from person to person, but

the bodyguard calms down,
and you can think, 'Well, it'll be okay.'

Actually, this is
not about mental strength,
but how you use your nerves.

To change your love life, the first thing to do
is not to change him or use dating techniques, but
to regulate the state of your nervous system.

When your body is in a state of safety,
your perspective on love changes.

And,
as you experience this state of safety repeatedly,
a new pattern is created
in your brain and nerves:
'It is okay to connect with people.'

This isthe secure attachment pattern.

In other words, love becoming easier
is not just about suppressing your feelings,
but the process of your attachment pattern
changing into a secure type.

However, there is
one very important thing here.

-------------------------------------------------------

Something very important

As I just mentioned,
"regulating the state of your nervous system"
is important, but

actually,
there are people who can do that right away
and people who cannot.

For example,
some people can calm their bodies
and return to a state of safety
just by taking a few deep breaths.

But on the other hand,
there are also people who say,
"I understand it in my head, but
I just can't help but feel anxious."

This is
not a personality issue,
but a difference in brain and nervous system programming.

A person's nervous system
develops a pattern
over a long period of time.

For example,
someone who has spent a long time
in an environment where they are prone to anxiety

will develop
a "program to be on alert"
within their brain and nervous system.

That is why,
even if you try to understand
"it's okay" logically,

the bodyguard in your amygdala
starts making noise immediately,
your sympathetic nervous system kicks in,
and your body remains in danger mode.

Therefore,
in cases like this,
training to change
how you use your nervous system little by little
is necessary.

In other words,
it means
letting your body experience a state of safety over and over again.

By doing so,
the programs in your brain and nervous system
will be rewritten little by little.

Actually,
there was a woman who came to my personal program
who was like this.

When it came to love,
she would inevitably become anxious
and couldn't stop worrying about how he felt.

So,
she became addicted to fortune-telling.
"Does he like me?"
"Will this relationship work out?"
She would have her fortune told over and over again,
trying to find peace of mind.

But,
the peace of mind only lasted for a fleeting moment.
After a little time passed,
the anxiety would return, and she would get her fortune told again.
It was a repeating cycle.
Apparently, she was spending a considerable amount of money on fortune-telling every month.

However, that woman
as she continued
exercises to calm her nervous system
little by little,a certain change occurred.

That was
her state
being able to view objectively
that she became capable of.

In other words,
she became able to take a step back and see herself, thinking,
“I’ve entered anxiety mode right now.”

In psychology,
this is calledmetacognition.

Simply put,
it is the ability to look at yourself from a slightly higher perspective
.

As this ability grows,
even if anxiety arises,
you will no longer be immediately consumed by it.

Then, little by little,
without relying on fortune-telling,
she became able to calm herself down.

And now,
she is no longer
swayed as strongly as before by romantic matters,
and her relationship with her partner has become very peaceful.
She says she no longer does fortune-telling either.
As you can see from this story,
making love easier is not about
him changing,
nor is it about romantic techniques,
but about regulating the state of your own nervous system.

And,
your attachment pattern
changing from insecure
to secure little by little

this is
the most important point.

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Summary

Now, I have summarized today's content into five points.

①
Women who find love difficult have
a bodyguard in their head that has become hypersensitive

②
The true identity of that bodyguard is
a danger sensor in the brain called the amygdala

③
The reason the bodyguard becomes sensitive is
an attachment pattern formed from childhood experiences

④
Women who find love difficult
over-analyzing the partner's reactions
pushing themselves to avoid feeling anxious
are doing these two things

⑤
The most important point to make love easier is
not to change him, but
while regulating the state of your own nervous system,
cultivating your attachment pattern into a secure one

Women who find love difficult
are often kind people
who are highly sensitive and can cherish others.

It's just that
the bodyguard in your head
is working a little too hard.

So,
the very first thing you should do to change your love life is

to regulate the state of your nervous system.

Once you can do that,
love
will gradually change from something that leaves you shaken by anxiety
into a
secure attachment style relationship
where you can connect with peace of mind.

I sincerely wish you a happy love life.

If you'd like, please write about the current situation of the bodyguard in your head in the comments section,
and let's share it with everyone.

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