[Differences Between Men and Women] What Men Who Run Away from Discussions Are Thinking | Why Do Men Run Away?

Kizuko-san
Goro-san, he runs away whenever we try to have a discussion...

Goro-san
Runs away?

Kizuko-san
Yes... He says 'let's talk later' and then I don't hear from him for days, or he just goes silent...

Goro-san
That must be tough.

Kizuko-san
I just want to make up, but when he runs away saying 'next time,' I start to wonder if I'm not important to him...

Goro-san
I see.

Kizuko-san
Does a man who runs away from discussions really not have any love for me?

Goro-san
Actually, that's not necessarily the case.

Kizuko-san
Oh, really?

Goro-san
Today, let's look together at what men who run away from discussions are thinking in their heads, and what you can do to have a discussion.

Perhaps you might be able to have a good relationship where you can talk with him, so please watch until the end.
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This time, I will explain what men who run away from discussions are thinking.

First, there is something I want you to know.

It is that for women and men, the meaning of the word

'discussion'
is often
different from the start.

For women, a discussion is a time to improve the relationship. It is a time to understand each other's feelings. It is a time to make the future for the two of you better.
That is why you say, 'Let's have a proper discussion.'

However, many men who run away from discussions interpret the same words with a completely different meaning.

'A time to be blamed,' 'A time to be made the bad guy,' 'A time that won't end unless I provide the correct answer,' 'A time to have my character denied.' It is not rare for men to feel this way.

Therefore, while women are talking because they want to 'face each other,' men end up feeling like they 'want to run away.'

Therefore, while women are talking because they want to 'face each other,'

men end up feeling like they 'want to run away.'

Actually,
there is a major gap here.

So,
why do men
feel that way?

In fact,
according to research by psychologist Dr. John Gottman, who has studied marital relationships for over 40 years,

it is known that when men are in a conflict situation with their partner,
their heart rate and stress response
tend to rise more than women's.

And,
when the body is in a state of high stress,
staying silent, avoiding the conversation, leaving the scene,
a reaction of closing off like a stone wall
becomes more likely to occur.

In other words,
men who run away from discussions,
rather than disliking the discussion itself,
may be experiencing a
defensive reactionbecause their body senses danger.

For example,
suppose a woman says,
“I’ve been feeling lonely lately.”

The woman is saying this
with the meaning of “I want you to understand my feelings.”

However, the man starts thinking,
“Does this mean I’m at fault?”
“I’m going to get scolded.”
“What is the right thing to say?”

Then,
his mind becomes filled with

protecting himselfrather than her feelings.

Therefore,
staying silent, changing the subject, looking at his phone,
or just ending it with “I’m sorry.”
This is not because he lacks affection,
but rather a state where he has entered defensive mode.

Furthermore,
in developmental psychology,

it is known that boys are told
“Don’t cry,” “Endure it,” “Be strong,”
more often than girls
from a young age.

Because of this,
sadness, loneliness, fear, anxiety,
there are many men who have little experience
expressing these emotions in words.

So,
even when asked,
“What are you thinking?”
“Tell me how you feel,”
there are men who truly cannot find the words.

Their mind goes blank.
They stay silent, run away, or apologize just to get it over with.
This is not because they take the discussion lightly,
but rather the result of having had fewer opportunities
to develop the skills to handle emotions.

So,
how can you
have a discussion
with a man who runs away from them?

Of course,
this is not about the woman just having to endure it.

From here on,
I will talk about how you can
have a discussion with a man who avoids them.

For that purpose,
I will share 3 important steps.

Of course,
it doesn't always work 100% of the time, but
if you start a discussion without knowing this order,
men may close their hearts even more.
Please try using this as a reference.

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How to Have a Discussion with a Man Who Runs Away: Step 1

Men Start Talking When They Feel 'Safe'

First and foremost,
the most important thing is to make the man
feel that he
'will not be blamed.'

Many women think,
'I am not blaming him.'

However,
men can sometimes feel like they are being blamed.

In other words,
what is important is not whether you are blaming him or not, but

whether he feels safe. This is the key point.

Actually,
neuroscience shows that
when a person feels safe versus when they feel in danger,
the way the brain functions changes entirely.

For example,
Polyvagal Theory suggests that
when feeling safe,
the neural functions that allow us to look at the other person's facial expressions,
understand what is being said,
and empathize are enhanced.

On the other hand,
when feeling in danger,
those functions weaken,
and the body prioritizes defensive reactions of
'fight,'
'flight,' or 'freeze.'

In other words,
a state where you can have a discussion is a state of feeling safe.

Conversely,
the moment he feels:
・He is being blamed.
・He is being rejected.
・He gets scolded no matter what he says.
A man will prioritize

protecting himself over understanding what the other person is saying.

Therefore,
when starting a discussion,
'I don't want to blame you.'
'I want to think about this together.'
'I don't want to reject you.'
Just by conveying messages like these first,
the man's defensive reaction is more likely to decrease.

In short,
the first thing you should build in a discussion
is not correctness.
It is safety.

Recently, in my counseling sessions,
there is a consultation I hear very often.

It is about
a man on a matching app
with whom things were going well,
who suddenly blocked her one day.
Without any warning,
he became unreachable.
'Did I do something wrong?'
That is the consultation.

Of course,
there are men who were just looking for fun from the start.

But
there are cases that cannot be explained by that alone.

For example,
a woman says,
'I'd like to meet properly soon.'
'What will happen to us from here on?'
The moment she says things like that,
the man suddenly stops contacting her.

These men
take the words meant as 'let's talk about our relationship' as

"I'm going to be held responsible."
"I have to come up with an answer."
"I might get blamed."
Sometimes they perceive it that way.

Then,
rather than facing it,
it's easier to run away.
That's how they feel.
That's why,
they block you.

Of course,
this is by no means sincere behavior.

But,
from a woman's perspective,
the event of "being suddenly blocked"
can sometimes happen in a man's mind

as a defensive reaction.

That is why I think
that these kinds of men
are men who are not yet ready
to have a romantic discussion.

Creating a sense of security is important.

However, there are men who will keep running away no matter how much security you create.
I don't think you need to chase after such men.

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How to have a discussion with a man who runs away from discussions: Step 2

Don't make the discussion about winning or losing

Successfully,
he has sat down at the discussion table.
Here,
there is one more important thing.

That is,
to not make the discussion
about winning or losing.

Actually,
men can sometimes be driven by
"I don't want to be thought of as a loser."
feelings.

In psychology,
it is known that everyone
tries to protect their self-image of
"I am a person of value."
"I am a decent person."

Furthermore,
many men are raised from a young age
being told,
"Because you're a man."
"Don't lose."
"Be strong."

Therefore,
even in a discussion,
unconsciously,
"I don't want to be thought of as a loser."
"I don't want to lose."
self-defense can kick in.

So,
when the discussion starts, men think,
"What should I do to make her satisfied?"
"What should I say so I don't get scolded?"
"What is the correct answer?"

Many people start
searching for the correct answerin that way.

Therefore,
even if the woman intends to ask,
"What do you think?"

the man
can feel like,
"I'm being tested."
"If I get it wrong, I'll be scolded."that kind of sensation.

Then,
he tries to answer with the correct answer
rather than his true feelings.
Or,
he thinks that whatever he says will be wrong,
and he falls silent.

In fact, in psychology, it is known that
the more people feel they are being evaluated,

the more defensive they become,
and the harder it is for them to speak their true feelings.

In other words,
when having a discussion,
it is not a time to decide
“who is right.”
It is important to make it a time
to learn “how each of you felt.”

That is why I
recommend these words to women:
“It doesn't have to be the right answer,
I just want to know how you felt”

Even with just these few words,
men
can be slightly more relieved
from the pressure of
“I have to come up with an answer.”

A discussion is
not a time to decide who wins or loses.
It is a time to understand each other.

And,
once that atmosphere is created,
men may start to
talk about their feelings little by little.

Of course,
this is not
a story about only women needing to be considerate.

Men also
need to make an effort to express their feelings,
rather than searching for the right answer.

Fundamentally,
a discussion is
not something one person should struggle with alone,
but something the two of you create together.

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Step 3: How to have a discussion with a man who runs away from discussions

Make it a strategy meeting for the future, not a trial of the past

Once you reach this point,
men may also start to talk little by little.

However,
this is where many couples
clash once again.

That is,
instead of focusing on the current event,
a trial of the pastbegins.

For example,
“It was like that before, too.”
“Isn't it always like that?”
“That's why you never change.”
These are the kinds of words.

Of course,
from a woman's perspective,
“The same thing happened again.”
So she is just communicating that.

But men,
rather than the current event,
feel as if they themselves as a person are being denied.
They can feel that way.

Then,
the defensive reaction starts again.
Making excuses.
Staying silent.
Getting angry.
Trying to end the conversation.

In fact,
in psychology,
it is known that the more people feel their character is being denied,
the stronger their self-defensive reaction becomes,
and the harder it is for them to accept what the other person is saying.

Therefore,
in a discussion,
it is important to focus on
“always”
or
“before” not, but rather
"this time".

And,
another important thing is to
talk about the future.

It is a conversation about,
'How shall we go forward together from here?'

In fact,
it is known in psychology that
thinking about a shared future or goals as a couple
makes it easier to cooperate with each other,
and makes it easier to move toward problem-solving.

In other words,
rather than talking about
'It was like this before,'
talking about
'How shall we go forward together from here?'
makes it easier for a man's brain to
shift its focus away from protecting itself
and towardhow to improve the relationship between the two of you.
as well.

That is why I,
as I mentioned in a previous video,
recommend the way of communicating where you scatter your hopes around the other person.

For example,
instead of saying,
'Why don't you contact me?'
say things like,
'I feel relieved and happy when I get a little contact from you.'
'I feel happy when we can think about things together when I'm in trouble.'
By doing this,
instead of blaming the other person,you convey the future you desire.

Then, men also
will not feel as if they are being denied,
and it becomes easier for them to think,
'In that case, maybe I'll try it.'

Of course,
if he is a man who repeats the same thing every time
and has no intention of compromising,
that is a different problem.

But,
at least when you are having a discussion,
it is not a trial about the past, but a strategy meeting for the future.
Just by having this awareness,
the atmosphere between the two of you will change significantly.

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Important things

Now,
up to this point,
I have talked about the 3 steps
for having a discussion with a man.

1. Creating a state where the man can feel at ease.
2. Understanding each other, not winning or losing.
3. Making it a strategy meeting for the future, not the past.

All of these
are very important things.

But,
here, many women
say this:
'I understand it in my head.'
'But I can't do it when I'm in front of him.'

Actually,
that is natural.

In neuroscience,
when you feel strong anxiety or stress,
the function of the prefrontal cortex, which controls emotions
and considers the other person's position, weakens,

and conversely,
it is known that the function of the amygdala, which detects danger,
becomes dominant.

In other words,
he runs away.
Then you become anxious.

When you become anxious,
you want to chase him.
You want to blame him.
You want to bring up the past.

Even if you know in your head,
'I should stop this,'
if your body senses danger,
you cannot stop that reaction.

That is why I believe that,
if you really want to change your relationship,
communication techniques alone are not enough.

A nervous state where you can feel safe.
A sense of safety.

Cultivating that
becomes the true foundation for building a relationship where you can discuss things.

In my counseling and courses,
I address these issues
from the nervous system and sensory level.

It is not just about understanding safety in your head,
but cultivating a state where your body itself
'I am okay.'
'It is okay to face others.'
can feel that.

Then,
without trying hard to change how you speak,
you will naturally be able to listen to your partner,
be able to express yourself without blaming,
and relationships where you can discuss things safely will gradually increase.

If you feel,
'I am trying so hard, but I cannot change...'
if you feel that way,
it is not because you are bad.
It is not because you are not trying hard enough.
Everyone
is at their own stage right now.

Therefore,
the order needed to change is also different.
Perhaps,
you have just been working hard at a method
that does not suit you right now.

Where are you now,
and what should you do next?
Regarding that'order of change,'I talk about it in detail in my gift to you.
If you are interested,
please make sure to receive it
at the end of this article.

I am okay. It is okay to face others.

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Summary

I have summarized the content of this article into five points.

① The very meaning of 'discussion' is different between women and men.
Women want to talk to improve the relationship.
Men may feel it is a time to be blamed
and trigger a defensive reaction.

② What is needed at the beginning of a discussion is not correctness, but safety.
'I don't want to blame you.'
'I want to think about this together.'
With that sense of safety, men find it easier to start talking.

③ Do not make discussions about winning or losing.
Instead of seeking the correct answer,
'I want to know how you felt.'
That attitude will bring out each other's true feelings.

④ Make it a strategy meeting for the future, not a trial of the past.
Instead of 'You did that before too,'
'How shall we handle this together from now on?'
By looking toward the future,
you will build a relationship where it is easier to cooperate with each other.

⑤ To build a relationship where you can truly discuss things,
it is not just about communication techniques,
but cultivating a nervous state and sensory level where you can feel safe
is the foundation.

If you only understand it in your head,
when you feel anxious,
you will repeat the same reaction again.

That is precisely why
cultivating a sense of security from a sensory level
is the shortest path to a relationship where you can talk things through.

I sincerely wish you a happy romantic life.

How was this video?
If you would like, please feel free to write anything you felt or experienced
in the comments section.

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Love therapist for sensitive women,
Goro Tameike