Psychological Consultation: The Day I Just Couldn't Bring Myself to Try Harder [Autistic Second Son Koki Diary: Infant/Toddler Edition 09]

Psychological Consultation
—The Day I Just Couldn't Bring Myself to Try Harder

After visiting a specialized hospital and being told that Koki likely had developmental characteristics, we were introduced by a public health nurse to attend a ward welfare center.

However, the welfare center was in a distant location, seven train stops away, and required a taxi ride from the station. It was quite a high hurdle to go there every time by myself, carrying little Re-chan and bringing along a restless Koki.

Even so, I was sure that the experience of receiving developmental support as a parent and child would be good. Driven by a sense of urgency that I had to do something, I managed to start going every week with the help of my husband.

My memories of the welfare center are mostly of doing music play. We would move our bodies freely to music together, or dance to various songs from "Okaasan to Issho." We also enjoyed many hand-clapping songs.

I feel like Koki was often running around off to the side, but it was certain that he liked music, and he seemed to be getting into the rhythm. I didn't feel like there was much progress at the time, but I understand now. I think that,

experiencing a fun atmosphere as parent and child was the most important thing of all

.


One day, a while after we started attending the welfare center, we had a psychological consultation. I talked to a male psychologist in his 50s about Koki's developmental history and his current state, and had him observe Koki's actual behavior. After that, the first thing the teacher said was, "You know, children with autism..."

...Ah, I see. Seeing it from the perspective of an expert, I suppose that's how it is, and all my strength suddenly drained away.

The advice from the teacher was:
・First, firmly establish daily habits (putting on shoes, dressing/undressing, etc.)
・It is important to give instructions and have him try various things
・To encourage pointing, it is good to use picture cards to communicate what he wants

What he said was likely a good method. I took it in, but I was half-distracted. How did things end up like this? The anxiety of what would happen to Koki and our family from here on out suddenly came rushing in.

This was because of what happened the day before. I had taken the two younger ones to the 6th-grade graduation ceremony for my eldest son, who plays youth baseball, but many of Koki's difficult sides had come out.

At the community center, even when everyone else was seated, he was the only one running around everywhere, and eventually became absorbed in playing on the stairs he liked. If I took my eyes off him, he would open the entrance door and dash outside barefoot. During the meal, he would take the oranges he loved from other people's portions and eat them.

He just couldn't sit still, and the parents, children, and coaches who were there seemed taken aback. I had Re-chan with me too, and in the end, I couldn't help with the preparations or cleanup at all, and we had to leave early.


At the end of the psychological consultation, the teacher said, "Mother, it will be tough from here on, but you have to do your best." Of course, I think the teacher meant it as encouragement, but at that moment, I couldn't bring myself to try harder.

Even though I thought I had been trying quite hard, do I have to try even harder than this?

My resolve as a mother was still naive. I hadn't been able to fully accept Koki as he was.