Learning from my 3-year-old son: Noticing the "hidden wish" | Lessons from children ②

When I was just starting out, whenever my boss or clients would say,
"I want you to fix this"
"I want you to do this"
I always had a feeling that something didn't quite add up.

I could understand what they were saying, and it made logical sense.
However, even when I complied, I felt like something was still off.

This morning, through an interaction with my 3-year-old son, I feel like I saw the true nature of that discomfort.

A morning incident

This morning, before leaving the house, Rito (my 3-year-old son) said this to me.

"I want Daddy to stay home until I go to kindergarten."

I hesitated for a moment.
Since I work remotely, I could stay home for a while.
However, it's hard to concentrate when my family is around, especially in the morning.

Wondering what to do, I tried changing how I asked.

"I can pick you up today, so is it okay if Daddy goes now?"

Then, Rito smiled and

"Then that's okay!"

he said.

What was actually happening

What was the initial "I want you to stay" really about?

I don't think he literally wanted me to "be there" in the physical sense, but rather,
he wanted me to do something about the feeling that "going to kindergarten is a bit tough."

The goal was to ease that discomfort,
and he was using "I want you to stay with me" as the means to achieve it.

That's why I think a different method, like "I can pick you up today," was able to achieve the same goal.

When you think about it,

what is expressed in words and the intention behind them are often surprisingly misaligned.

"I want you to fix this"
"I want you to do this"
"I want you to do it this way"

If you take those words at face value, you will end up spinning your wheels with superficial solutions.

But if you pause for a moment,

“What is this person actually worried about?”and think about it, you may find that a different suggestion comes into view.

This morning's interaction was just a small thing, but it reminded me of options

other than “taking things literally.”

People sometimes state their means directly. But underneath that, there is

a slightly more earnest wish.
Whether or not we can notice thatmight just change the relationships between people.

Whether or not we can notice that
might just change the relationships between people.