For couples struggling with birth attendance. A story about not having to decide between 0 or 100

Regarding birth attendance,
I had only one choice: 'I want to be there.'

I wanted to be by her side
at the moment our long-awaited child was born.
I thought that reason was enough.

But when I told my wife, the response I got back was
'I don't want you to.'

The reason was, 'I don't want you to see me suffering.'
Yet, in the same breath, she also said,
'But I want you to be by my side. I'll be lonely.'

It seemed contradictory, but I thought both were her true feelings.
She didn't want to be seen, but she wanted me there.
Both of those things were true.

In the end, we talked it over three times.
And what we arrived at was,

'I will attend, but if my wife says "go away," I will leave immediately.'

That was the arrangement.

When we were thinking in terms of a binary choice of 'do it' or 'don't do it,'
neither of us could give in, and it was painful.
But the moment we realized there was a middle option—'I'll attend, but I'll follow my wife's pace'—we both felt a sense of relief.

It doesn't have to be 0 or 100. I feel like realizing that was the biggest thing.

I wonder how everyone else reached a compromise.

We found our own answer, but
I became curious about how other couples handle it.

So, I asked on social media, 'How did you all reach a compromise regarding birth attendance?'

Then, a number of voices far beyond my imagination gathered.
What surprised me while reading was that there was no such thing as 'this is the correct answer' anywhere.

Whether they attended or not, each couple had arrived at their own correct answer.
I'd like to introduce a few
(all are introduced as individual experiences, summarized).

Voices saying 'I'm glad I attended'

The most common response was, as expected, 'I'm glad I attended.' But the content of those experiences wasn't just one thing.

There were many people who said they were initially against it.
'I don't want you to see me suffering'
'I don't want to be seen during childbirth in the first place'
they thought, and refused, but
after talking it over, they gave the OK.
Then, getting drinks,
supporting her when she sat up,
she couldn't manage alone, and it was a huge help that he was there.
There were voices like that.

There were also people who said, 'I gave the OK because I thought that if he understood how difficult and amazing childbirth is, it would be useful for child-rearing afterward.'
This was a pretty significant perspective for me.
I had thought of birth attendance as 'just a thing for that day,' but that's not the case.
It's the idea that it connects to years of child-rearing afterward.

There was even a story about a husband who said he 'didn't want to,'
but after the doctor said, 'Childbirth is a job for both husband and wife, you know,'
he attended reluctantly,
and in the end, he was the most moved,
and now he's an evangelist for birth attendance.
The people who weren't keen on it are the ones who get the most into it.
It was a story that somehow gave me hope.

Some people were even strong-willed enough to say, "I had him present so he could see me suffering."
And the moment the baby was born,
apparently, she was incredibly grateful.
I think there are some "thank yous" that only emerge because you let them see it.

There were just as many voices saying, "I'm glad he wasn't there."

On the other hand, there were just as many voices saying, "I'm glad he wasn't there."
And,
the reasons for that were all strangely convincing.

One person who gave birth alone during the COVID-19 pandemic laughed and said,
"Childbirth makes you angry for some reason, so it was better to be alone. If he had been there, I definitely would have taken it out on my husband."
Another person, who only had her husband on the phone during the birth, said,
"I wanted him to press on my lower back, but he was pressing the wrong spot, and I felt like I was going to snap at him, 'That's not it!', so it was the right decision that he wasn't there."

Someone who had a C-section without a partner present
reportedly told her husband this:
"There's nothing for you to do if you're there, and I'll leave the birth to the professionals, the midwives. You should use that time to prepare the necessary paperwork for later. That's more rational."
This, in its own way, makes a lot of sense.

Even for husbands who are fine with the sight of blood,
there was someone who said, "I had him stay in the delivery room as long as I could handle it, and when I reached my limit, I told him, 'You should head out now.'"
Even with a partner-assisted birth, there is the freedom to come and go.

What was interesting was a couple with the opposite dynamic to ours.
The husband said, "I don't want to be there," and the wife said, "You have to! Make sure you witness it!"
.And because she didn't feel like she could rely on just her husband,
she also had her own mother present.
I realized that the battle over partner-assisted birth
takes a different form in every household.

What I realized from the voices I gathered

After reading so many different opinions, one thing became clear.

There is no single correct answer for a partner-assisted birth.

Whether they were present or not,
everyone chose the right answer for themselves
based on their own circumstances and feelings.
And almost everyone
looked back and said, "This was the right choice for us."

What was important wasn't "whether or not to be present"
in itself, but rather
whether the couple talked it through properly and found a form that both could accept.I think that was it.

When I said I "wanted to be there"
and my wife said she "didn't want me to,"
if either of us had forced the issue,
there probably would have been resentment left over.
But after talking about it three times and settling on "If you tell me to leave, I'll leave," both of us were able to move forward positively.

Also, for the first time, I was able to properly imagine the feelings of the person refusing.
Behind the "I don't want you to see me" are things like bodily functions,
what my face looks like while giving birth, and the anxiety of no longer being seen as a woman—
many reasons are layered on top of each other.
I feel like I learned that having someone say "It's okay for you to be there" after overcoming all that is not something to be taken for granted.

If you decide to be present (practical notes I was taught)

For those who have reached a compromise and decided to be present, I want to leave behind some concrete advice I was given in the comments.
This was helpful wisdom for me, as someone with no experience, as I prepare for the day.

One thing is that
it's good to write it down specifically in your birth plan.If you write down the husband's movements, like "Stay by my side during labor, but leave when it's time to give birth," you won't waver on the day, and you can both feel at ease.
If you write, "I want my husband to be given step-by-step instructions," even a husband who doesn't know what to do can be guided by the professionals.

Another thing is that
it's good to practice how to provide support in advance.Even for pressing on the lower back, preferences differ from person to person, such as "I preferred my hips over my lower back" or
"It felt better to have him press with his heels while sitting in a seiza position."
So, I received advice that it's good to practice beforehand on YouTube or similar sources so you don't panic on the day.

And what I thought was most important of all is
that "the spot where she wants pressure varies from person to person, so it's best to ask your wife directly."
Even with the wisdom I was taught,
I think the correct answer is ultimately to confirm with your own wife what she wants.

By the way, someone explained the pain of labor
with an analogy I could understand.
"It's like having a terrible stomach ache and feeling like you're about to have an accident, but there's a long line for the only toilet in front of you. The labor pains are the line moving one person at a time, and the moment you can finally push is when it's your turn and you can finally go."
I can never be the one experiencing it, but with that analogy, I felt like I could finally imagine the 'flow' of the pain.

Finally, to couples currently struggling with the decision of a partner-assisted birth

If you are currently like me, divided by opinions of "I want to / I don't want you to" and are worried about what to do, there is something I want to tell you.

You don't have to rush to decide whether to "do it or not."

Will you be there for the birth, or will you not?
Will you be there for part of it, or just stay connected by voice?
Will you step in and out?
There are truly as many ways to do this as there are families.
And no matter which one you choose, a day will come when you can say, "This was the right choice for us."

What matters is not winning or losing,
or forcing your will on the other, but talking it over together.
It is listening to why your partner feels that way.
If you can do that, you will surely arrive at an answer that is right for you.

For us, the birth is still ahead.
I don't know if things will go as planned on the day.
But the fact that we were able to talk it through properly
is what supports us right now.

I hope that you and your partner, who are struggling with the same decision,
will also find a way that you are both satisfied with.

And I hope that, in whatever form it takes, you will be able to be present for that moving moment.

This article was summarized and compiled based on many voices received on social media, in a way that does not identify individuals.
To everyone who shared their experiences, thank you very much.

I (an expectant father) write every day about the days leading up to the birth and
the "reality from the father's side"
that I couldn't find even when I looked it up.
If you are also expecting a birth, please feel free to take a look.