I Thought It Was the Rest of My Life [Wrapping Up 2024 on Note]

As I have written before, I was originally a civil servant working for a local government office. It was a stable job where even a woman could work for a long time. Naturally, I thought I would work until retirement age, but when my son, who has an intellectual disability, entered a special needs school, I could no longer manage my life and took early retirement.
I was in my mid-40s.
At that time, I was exhausted from balancing housework and childcare (including my son's therapy) with my job, so I thought that since I had worked hard for over 20 years, the rest of my life would be my 'remaining years,' and I would dedicate myself to raising my son.

However, once my son got used to school and was able to commute on his own, I suddenly had less to do. One time, for some reason, I couldn't accompany my mother-in-law, with whom we lived in a two-family household, to the hospital and declined, and my husband scolded me, saying, 'You're at home anyway.' I felt frustrated and pathetic that even after working for over 20 years, this is what I would be told once I became a housewife. I also took on a PTA position thinking my experience at the government office might be useful, but I couldn't fit into the world of mothers, which was different from the workplace, and I experienced failure early on.

My son, who was the most important thing, was attending school happily, but his intellectual development showed no progress at all. The grade of his therapy notebook only kept getting heavier, and I hit a dead end there as well.
What did I retire for? What am I living for?
I thought I had withered away into my 'remaining years,' but I still had attachments. However, I had no job or anything I wanted to do now. How many more years would this boring remaining life continue? There were times when I couldn't muster the energy to do anything, and I could barely manage the bare minimum of housework and taking care of my son.

When I was 50, I suffered from a certain illness. I was told that I wouldn't know for sure without opening my abdomen, removing the tumor, and performing a biopsy, but there was a possibility it was malignant. My son hadn't even decided on a place of employment yet, so I thought, 'It would be a problem if it were malignant... I have to live for a few more years; I want to stay healthy at least until my son's path is decided,' and I wished for it strongly. I went onto the operating table like a fish on a cutting board, but fortunately, the result was benign. When my doctor told me that, I burst into tears out of joy and relief.

After that, I decided to do what I wanted to do and go where I wanted to go. I realized that you never know what will happen in life, and I didn't want to have any regrets. I got hooked on art appreciation and went from museum to museum, traveled to places I wanted to visit, and even resumed working part-time.

I was generally able to do what I wanted, but my next setback was insidious power harassment at my second part-time job. I heard later that the people who harassed me were jealous that I 'had a family and a good educational and professional background, and seemed to be living a relaxed and happy life.' I didn't have the strength at the time to just retort, 'What is that?', and I left the workplace as if running away, but I suffered deep emotional wounds and began to avoid interacting with others. Fortunately, the world was in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, and with restrictions on going out, it was convenient for me to shut myself away.

While I was holed up, I received an invitation from a history friend I met on social media to contribute to a co-authored history book. I had long wanted to write about the history of Nagasaki, and since I had just found some time, I accepted. Since I was going to write it, I couldn't write something half-baked. I read through various documents and wrote 'Hizen Province Sekigahara,' which was published in 'Anti-Sekigahara Battle.' Looking back now, the analysis is shallow and lacks many things, but it was the best work I could do at the time, and I was very happy when it was published.
And through writing the book, my circle of history friends expanded. I had only been a light history fan until then, but I thought that if there were people reading it like this, I would try to take it seriously.

...My rebirth began in earnest in 2021, when I started writing the co-authored book 'Anti-Sekigahara Battle'.
Three years have passed since then, and this year, I feel like I have reached a milestone in the autumn and have made a new start.

What kind of year will 2025 be?
In the spiritual world, they are calling it a 'year of great transformation,' and looking at the current social situation, I think that might be true. As the world, society, and those around me face dizzying changes, can I maintain 'myself'? I don't know, but I want to try to always remain in the 'middle path' without leaning too far toward either opinion.

No matter how dark it gets, I want to keep the fire in my heart burning and move forward, believing in myself.
It wasn't my 'remaining years' after all.
My reborn life is still continuing.

********************

Thank you for reading my note for the past year.
This concludes my 2024 note posts.
I wish you a happy new year.