[Couples] Husbands who are more concerned with the tone of voice than the content of the warning

Introduction

The story I am about to tell is not intended to discuss which spouse is at fault or to engage in gender theory (e.g., 'men are creatures that act like this'). It is simply a summary of a common situation and my current perspective on how best to approach it.

A conversation between a certain couple

This is a story about a friend's couple. I will change the topic, but to summarize, it seems the conversation unfolded as follows.

Wife: 'Don't stand while you pee. It splashes and it's not hygienic.'
Husband: 'The way you say it is scary and it makes me shrink away.'
Wife: 'That's not what we're talking about right now.'

Regardless of the specific content of the conversation above,it is common for a husband to focus on the tone of his wife's voice rather than the content of what she is sayingI think.

I have experienced this myself several times (I'm sorry).
Things like, 'You don't have to be so angry,' or 'Couldn't you say it in a different way? I wish you would just say it normally.' Even if I want to digest the content, I get distracted by the tone and the message doesn't sink in.
I tried to analyze why this happens.

Emotions are more likely to surface precisely because you are a couple

This is a state where one is reacting to emotions rather than the content of the wife's warning. Because you are in a relationship that is meant to last a lifetime, you develop expectations of your partner. Expectations are your own principles, rules, and things you value. In the example above, the request to correct behavior that violates those expectations—because it is different from how things should be—is natural.

However, humans are creatures that react to emotions. Because one must choose between fight or flight as a survival instinct when faced with a partner's anger, the reaction inevitably comes before reason. As a husband, I want to have a harmonious relationship with my wife. I can understand the content, but the priority becomes 'it's not worth getting angry over' or 'I wish you would change your tone for the sake of the future,' and I end up responding to the emotion rather than the content.

This friction does not disappear even if your 'expectations' match

I don't think it will ever disappear. It is impossible to align them completely. Even if you visualize them, your ways of thinking are always changing. Therefore, I think that even if you try hard to do so, it will only leave both of you feeling frustrated.

Regardless of the form of the relationship, such as being a married couple, the fact that emerges in communication with others is that people do not change easily. I think a husband should start by separating facts from emotions. On top of that, first apologize for the content; it's simple, but that's what it comes down to. It might be good to think of it as anger management practice to not react to emotions. The fundamental premise is to listen to your beloved wife. If you think, 'That's too obvious,' let me tell you, this is actually quite difficult. You have to resist your instincts, so even if you know it, it's hard.
Once you have grasped the facts, try to empathize with the primary emotion. In anger management, anger is considered a secondary emotion. The primary emotions are anxiety, worry, sadness, and emptiness. You unconsciously judge whether or not to get angry in response to anxiety. In the case of the toilet issue, it is about how to approach the anxiety and worry regarding the hygiene of the whole family.

For the wife's side, if you want to control your husband or get your opinion across, it is faster to separate facts from emotions. I understand the feeling of getting frustrated by doing the same thing over and over again. I understand it painfully well. However, if you speak in a way that says, 'I told you this before,' the husband is no longer listening to the content. His mind is just thinking, 'She's really angry. Did something happen?' It is much more effective to calmly convey the facts, the request, and the background as a set.

Conclusion

This is a somewhat rambling topic, but to live happily as a couple, it is about how appropriately you can react to anger in an environment where emotions are more easily triggered than at work. Emotions have a stronger influence than reason. That is why I hope we can aim for a better family life by taking a deep breath and responding calmly. I will do my best too.