The morning I collapsed with a 104°F fever and pneumonia (with LINE chat screenshots)
Even then, the only topic was "childcare logistics"
From early in the morning, my fever, which had climbed over 104°F, wouldn't go down.
Even taking fever reducers didn't help.
My head felt like it was splitting, and even breathing was a struggle.
In the end,
it was a complication of influenza and pneumonia.
The doctor asked me,
“Would you like to be hospitalized?”
Honestly, I was scared.
Because my body felt clearly different from my usual bouts of illness.
—
Even so, the thing I couldn't stop thinking about was "childcare"
Even though I was collapsing, what came to mind was
• What about the kids?
• Nursery school drop-offs and pick-ups
• Work arrangements
It's pathetic to admit, but
I couldn't immediately think,
“I need someone to save me first.”
The thought that I had to keep the household running
automatically took precedence.
—
My heart broke a little during the LINE exchange with my wife
—
📱 The actual exchange (partial)
“It’s pneumonia.”
“They asked if I wanted to be hospitalized, so I declined.”
“Are you already discharged?”
“Are you taking time off work?”
“Just let me get treated for now.”
“I’ll figure out the childcare.”
“Well, childcare aside, I think you should take time off work.”
“If you haven't slept, I think it would be better to get some sleep first...”
—
Back to the text.
—
I think she was being logical.
She wasn't wrong.
But what I wanted at that moment
wasn't the correct answer.
“Are you okay?”
“That must have been rough.”
Just that, nothing more.
—
I just wanted her to worry about my life
The moment I heard "pneumonia,"
anxiety spread through my mind all at once.
What would happen if it got worse?
If I ended up hospitalized like this,
what would happen to the kids?
In the midst of that, the words that came back
were all about logistics.
At that moment, a thought crossed my mind.
Wait,
am I even being worried about as a "person" right now?
Honestly,
I feel like I'm starting to hate my wife.
That's what I ended up thinking.
—
This isn't a story about "love growing cold"
Looking back calmly, I think.
This probably isn't because
my wife is cold-hearted,
or because she disregards childcare.
Surely,
she just didn't have any capacity left.
To keep the household running,
she had no choice but to think in terms of tasks rather than emotions.
—
Having "no capacity" doesn't mean "it's okay to hurt someone"
I was
in a life-threatening situation.
At a time like that,
if the first thing you get is "What are we going to do?"
without a single "Are you okay?"
anyone would be hurt.
The feeling of "I'm starting to hate you"
isn't a desire to blame the other person.
I just wanted to be helped.
That's all.
—
You don't have to reach a conclusion right now
There is no need to rush these feelings
• to a conclusion about the marriage,
• to a decision about divorce,
• or to condemning the other person.
When your body is weak,
your mind is prone to extreme judgments.
First and foremost,
getting better is the top priority.
—
If I were to tell her, I want to say this without blaming her
Once I've recovered,
I plan to tell her something like this.
“Honestly, I was terrified at that moment.”
“Before asking what to do, I wanted to hear you say, 'Are you okay?'”
That's enough.
Not to blame her,
but to make sure
I don't leave my own feelings behind.
—
To those in the same position
If you are currently
• feeling unwell,
• putting family matters first and neglecting yourself,
• or have "nowhere to vent your weakness,"
if there is anyone like that,
you are not at fault.
First, let's just survive.
We can talk about the rest later.