Why We Can't Be Kind to the People Who Matter Most
Why is it that I can't speak kindly to my family?
Is it that I don't care about them?
I often find myself thinking that.
At work, if someone makes a mistake, I try to handle it as calmly as possible.
Instead of blaming them by asking, "Why did you do that?", I think about "what to do next." I even offer support if needed.
If I'm having a meal with a friend and they spill a drink, I can just say something like, "Are you okay? Be careful." It feels natural to think there's no need to blame them.
Yet, strangely, there are times when I can't do the same for my family, whom I should care about the most.
When they spill a drink.
When they forget something.
When they make a mistake.
In that moment, words like "I told you so" or "If you spilled it, clean it up quickly"
—those words just slip out.
After I say them, regret washes over me.
I think, "I didn't have to say it like that" or "I should have been kinder."
So, I apologize the next day.
Sorry about yesterday...
I shouldn't have said it that way...
Why is it that I can show kindness to strangers but not to my family?
When I think about it, I realized it might be precisely because they are so important to me.
Because they are important, my emotions get stirred up. At work, reason takes the lead, so I can think, "It's already happened, so let's deal with it."
If it's a friend's mistake, I can think, "Everyone makes mistakes."
But with family, expectations get mixed in.
"I want you to be careful."
"I don't want you to have trouble with the same thing."
"I want you to do better."
—because of those thoughts, small incidents seem like big deals.
It seems like I'm reacting only to what's in front of me, but in reality, all the emotions that have built up over time are coming out at once.
So, while it may look like I'm angry about a spilled drink, I might actually be angry about the same thing happening over and over again.
There is one more thing that happens precisely because they are family. That is "comfort."
At work, I choose my words carefully.
I hold myself back, thinking, "If I say it this way, they might get hurt. Our relationship might suffer."
But with family, there is a sense of taking them for granted because we are always together.
That's why the brakes on my emotions get weaker. Because we are so close, I stop being considerate.
But in truth, because they are the people I want to cherish the most, I should be treating them with the most care.
Of course, it's hard to be kind all the time.
Sometimes I get tired, and sometimes I don't have the emotional capacity.
I even get frustrated.
That is why I have recently come to think that what is important may not be to avoid getting angry, but to consider 'what it is that I am angry about.'
Is it really the spilled drink that I am angry about? Or is it 'the feeling that no matter how many times I say it, it doesn't get through,' 'the feeling that I am the only one being considerate,' or 'simply that I have run out of patience'?
After the words have slipped out, take a moment and ask yourself that. Just doing that, I feel, will change the next words that come out.
Instead of saying 'I told you so,' you might be able to say, 'I panicked because I was worried you would be in trouble again,' or 'I didn't mean to blame you, I was just worried.'
Do not try to do it perfectly from the start. After you have said something, realize, 'The way I said that was wrong,' and try speaking to them again. Keep repeating that process.
A person who can think, 'Couldn't I have said that in a different way?' after their emotions have come out. A person who can look back on their own words. I want to continue being that kind of person.
We cannot be the kindest to the people who matter most. I believe now that this is not because we lack love, but because it is difficult precisely because we are so close.
That is why, little by little. I want to be someone who can choose careful words, especially for the people who matter most. Thinking that, I head home again today.