Becoming a mother allowed me to love my childhood self

When I was in my 20s or 30s, back when I was young.
Thinking back on my childhood self made me feel embarrassed,
and I truly hated myself.

For example, when I was in elementary school,

the me who said something cold to a friend.
The me who rebelled against my parents.
The me who played pranks.
The me who was full of confidence even though my clothes didn't match at all.
The me who thought I was cute despite having frizzy, curly hair, wearing glasses, and being quite plain.

For some reason, only those memories from when I was little are vivid,
and every time I remember them, I feel embarrassed,
thinking what a terrible, hopeless person I was,
and I truly hated myself.

But once I became a parent and started raising my own children,

they say cold things to friends and get into fights,
they rebel against me,
pranks are an everyday occurrence,
they try to wear plaid shirts with striped pants,
and they don't care at all even if their hair is a mess from sleeping.

My sons play out the version of my past self
that I was so embarrassed by and wanted to erase from my memory, right in front of me every day.

But I don't dislike the existence of those children at all.

What a goof.
It's funny.

Even if I think that, they are very precious beings.

I see, so that's what children are like.
That's how they grow up to be adults.

My children showed me that.

And then, the little 'Sakura-chan' in my memories
whom I used to hate so much,
I realized she was living her life to the best of her ability,
and I was able to gently accept her.

It feels like the upbringing I wanted to hide
has been purified through raising my own children.

By accepting the past self I disliked,
I have become able to give myself the okay as I am now.

Once I became able to give myself the okay,
I became able to give others the okay as well.

I've heard that saying before.

It means that parents grow along with their children through the process of raising them, but
the growth referred to here is

Being able to be there for my child
Being able to take good care of my child
Having my child rely on me

It's not just about gaining experience in motherhood like
that,

but I feel that it's about growing in terms of my own way of being, my perspective on life,
and as a human being myself.

How do you feel when you look back on yourselves?
What kind of growth do you feel you have been allowed to experience through raising your children?

Please let me know if you'd like to share.

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