The writing brake and the writing accelerator.

I suppose I am not very good at talking about myself.

Even though I have written many articles on note and have talked about myself within them, the articles I have written so far feel like they are me, yet not me.
It feels like I am talking about myself, yet I am not quite managing to tell the whole story.

Perhaps because I write with the thought of being read by others, I have sometimes ended up tidying things up a bit too much as a result of prioritizing readability and consideration for the reader. My personality of wanting to show off in strange ways also comes out on note.

When I talk about myself, I feel like I am playing the role of someone who is "openly self-disclosing." Since I am often the listener in my daily life, I intended to express myself fully whenever I had the chance.

However, a sense of embarrassment creeps in somewhere, and I cannot reveal myself unless I am playing a role. Playing a role means that I am not giving 100% of myself.

I find creators who express themselves freely to be dazzling. I wonder if the brake that exists in my heart is present in theirs. There are many times when I feel that if I could just remove this brake, I would be able to express myself more freely as well.

Setting aside writing about the dark depths of my heart, I wish I could write about fun or interesting things with momentum, without stepping on the brakes. But when it comes down to it, I end up writing with safe driving in mind, never exceeding the speed limit, while keeping my foot hovering over the brake just in case. There is a part of me that keeps my foot on the brake rather than the accelerator when I write.

I also think that applying a mental brake is not necessarily a bad thing.
Shigesato Itoi also says something like this in the Hobonichi Itoi Shinbun.

If I have any intelligence, that intelligence is likely swung entirely toward "embarrassment." Because the embarrassment is so great, the pressure I apply to the brake of self-expression becomes stronger. I am the type who doesn't know how to gain speed even when I switch to the accelerator.

Come to think of it, I was even warned for "braking too much" during my driving license training. I remember the instructor asking me with a straight face, "Do you really want to move the car?" because my foot was on the brake even when I should have been pressing the accelerator.

To return to the subject, I put a heavy brake on my emotional expression. I think that might have piled up and manifested in the form of depression.
I couldn't distinguish between what was okay to say and what wasn't among the things I wanted to say. Also, even if I did say something, the result was always being dismissed as "unnecessary."

Now, there is an aspect of me that finds peace for some of the things I want to say or express by writing them down. Even if I am clumsy, if I can put my thoughts into writing, I can clear away the fog in my heart just a little bit.
There are also many friends on note who accept what I write. Perhaps I could allow myself to rely on them and be more vulnerable with them.

Sometimes, having the courage not to step on the mental brake is my current challenge.

Stepping on the accelerator instead of the brake, and racing through.
That is the kind of self-expression I still yearn for today.

The reason I wrote this is because I wanted to participate in this project.

Even though we have no connection at all, is it okay for me to participate? If you don't mind, please accept this.

I wrote today's article entirely to organize my own heart.
I am sorry if it is difficult to read.
If you read it anyway, I am grateful.