Noticing My Own Changes Through a Family Trip

Hello! I am writing an article for the first time in a while.

I went on a trip with my family this weekend.

This might be the first time I have been able to truly enjoy the time spent traveling with my family.

My past self would never have imagined that a day would come when I could have such an enjoyable family trip.

About 10 years ago, I was under a lot of stress regarding my husband, which led to hyperventilation and other physical symptoms.

The stress wasn't just about my husband; I was also struggling with issues related to my own position. When I tried to talk to him about it, I didn't receive any empathetic understanding or consideration. Instead, he would speak to me in a tone that felt like he was blaming me, which hurt me deeply. I felt stressed by his self-centered thinking and childish attitude, and eventually, I shut my heart off.

Since then, I stopped relying on him and stopped trying to enjoy things with him. I declared that while I was fine traveling with friends, I did not want to go on trips with just my family!

If you are showing physical symptoms, normally you would go back to your parents' home or escape to a place where you can rest your mind, right?

I no longer had my parents' home to go to, nor did I have a place where I could rest my mind; I had nowhere to escape to.

So, I thought, I just have to make it work here!

When your mind and body are tired, you need rest. I wasn't able to rest.
I could have meals with friends or chat to refresh my mood.
But I had never been able to truly rest my mind.

I was taking care of the children, taking care of my husband, taking care of my father-in-law who lived with us, taking care of my sick mother, and worrying about my sisters; my head, heart, and body were always running at full capacity.

Even when we traveled as a family, my wishes for how to rest my mind were rejected. (Because there was a lack of empathetic understanding, the plans were always self-centered.)
The children also began to understand this, and they started saying they didn't want to go on family trips because they weren't fun.

It was because the trips were what he wanted to do, not what the family wanted. Even though he claimed to be thinking of the family, he was just forcing his own opinions, not respecting ours, and he would get in a bad mood if things didn't go his way.
The children were more mature than him and were the ones accommodating him.

I think my husband has also reflected on his own shortcomings and has made an effort to change little by little.

I believe that for the past 10 years, even when we went on family trips, each family member had to compromise on something to cooperate. So, while we enjoyed them to some extent, there was always a sense somewhere that it was something we had to do.

The situation changed only after I became physically and mentally exhausted and unable to move.
It was only after I reached my limit that they finally started thinking about a place where I could rest.
I moved, got my own room, my children grew up and became independent, I entrusted my mother's care to professionals, and finally, I was able to start thinking about myself.

Each person being independent, yet having a place to rest and staying connected.

I feel that this sense of distance is stable, and that each family member now has a very comfortable relationship with one another.

With the impact of COVID-19, as our time together as a family has increased, we have been able to build a comfortable relationship without negatively affecting each other. In fact, since I spend my daily life focusing on myself rather than just interacting with my family, I find the environment where we have family time to be fresh and something to be grateful for.

If it weren't for COVID-19, the time we spent together as a family would have been much less.
I think that figuring out how to make our family time comfortable has been a challenge for me, not just since COVID-19 started, but even long before that.

I decided to write an article about this family trip, which I truly enjoyed from the bottom of my heart, as a memory.

Emotions and environments don't stay the same forever.
At that time, it felt like the future would continue just like that forever, but
that moment was just that moment at that time.
Time is moving forward and changing.

Things are transient and always changing.

Yes, I was the one who planned this trip.
I, the one who declared that I would never go on a family trip again, am the initiator of this family trip!

I myself am also changing little by little.