“The Me of the Past” and “The Me of Now”

It has been a while since my last post.

Perhaps because I have been doing new things lately, I have been digging into myself less.
I think I used to overthink things, but I feel like I have suddenlybroken free from that.

Until now, I think I always felt some kind of hardship in my daily life.
Work, my husband, my children, my father-in-law who lived with us, my own mother, my sisters, building relationships, myself... and so on.

I think I was taking on too much by myself.
Looking back, I feel like I always acted by prioritizing
what I thought was best—things like 'I must do this' or 'It is better to do that'.

That is why I acted by choosing the 'better' path rather than following my own feelings.

Even if I felt like I didn't want to do something, I would end up thinking about it from various perspectives, so eventually, my own feelings would become obscured somewhere, and I would choose what I judged to be the best in that situation.

I thought I was doing the right thing by choosing what I believed was good, but because I was so nervous and careful, I ended up feeling exhausted every day.

The people closest to me did not notice that I was doing this.
But fortunately, only my friends noticed that I was tired from being so considerate of others.
Throughout my life, I have felt that I am blessed with friends.

Even though I was doing things because I thought they were good, I became very tired and worn out.
People around me would say, 'Just don't worry about it!' or 'It's okay if you don't do it!'
I wish I could feel that carefree, but it just doesn't work that way...

It gets dismissed as 'that's just your personality,' and the reason why I can't do otherwise is treated as perfectionism and nervousness, so my feelings are rarely understood.

If I prioritize my own feelings, I feel guilty or remorseful, which doesn't make me feel good either. Yet, I cannot just ignore the multifaceted thoughts that come to mind, so I inevitably end up putting my own feelings on the back burner...

When I get mentally exhausted, I start to feel like I am the only one being considerate. When I try to do what I want, I get complaints and dissatisfaction. I feel a surge of anger and sadness, wondering why they don't empathize with me when I do things for them. It feels unreasonable, and I feel like I am not understood.

Until now, I think I spent my time choosing what was 'good' because my thoughts came first, getting complaints when I tried to value my own feelings, and feeling like I wasn't understood even when I spoke about my feelings.

But now...

I have stopped thinking so much about things other than myself!

First of all, I changed my environment!

Because I automatically worry and think about things, I stopped living with my in-laws and moved out.
I had been saying it since we first got married, but my husband wouldn't listen and didn't show any understanding of my feelings. It was only when I became physically and mentally exhausted, fell apart, and couldn't move anymore that he finally understood. (In my heart, I was thinking, 'You're too late!')
If I had reached my limit sooner, maybe my husband would have noticed sooner... but in a sense, the fact that I was able to adapt flexibly to a certain extent might have prolonged the situation.
It took 18 years, but I was finally able to reduce the things that I worry about.

In our new home, I secured my own room!

My husband really hated it when I would take the room apart, but as I was physically and mentally exhausted, a space where I could be alone was absolutely essential for me, so I defended that one thing at all costs. Whether or not I have this room of my own is a matter of life and death for me. In this room, I am essentially recharging my life energy.

I distanced myself from my biological mother!

My mother, who is dependent on me, has been suffering from schizophrenia for 10 years. Because there were problems in our original parent-child relationship, having an environment where I could keep my distance from her became a great relief for me.
I am truly grateful to the social worker.

My children have grown up!

With one in their first year of university and the other in their third year of junior high, their sense of self has become established, and they have become able to understand themselves and others. They have also gained a perspective that respects me not just as a mother, but as an individual. I feel that things have become much easier now that they are at an age where we can talk as equals, sometimes becoming my allies or offering opinions as third parties.

My husband has also found his own world!

It is similar to the children, but he has become able to live while having his own world. He had his own world to begin with, but it felt like he didn't realize that I have my own world too... (I am not your mother, you know) is how it felt.
I really felt like I wasn't being respected.
We clashed many times, repeated the process of talking and communicating, and I think we have finally reached a point where we can talk as equals.
Now, I feel like we are able to respect each other.

My environment has changed, and I have become able to protect my own feelings!

Being able to feel through the attitudes of those around me that they understand me.
Having an environment in place where I can feel at ease and think about my own feelings.
Being in an environment where I can think about myself without feeling guilty.
The peace of mind that comes from knowing everyone understands, even when I am thinking about myself.

I learned for the first time that the feeling of being accepted also allows me to accept myself.

The current me is very comfortable and relaxed, without any strain or obsessive need to do something.

That is very comfortable, and I am trying to approach both my work and my life in a way that maintains this calm state of mind.

When the surrounding environment, the understanding of those around me, and my own honest feelings are in good balance,
it is very comfortable, isn't it!

For now, my current state of mind, while partly due to my age, is one of living a slow life.