From Middle School After Experiencing School Refusal to High School

My second daughter graduated from middle school yesterday! ✨

Since it is a combined middle and high school, it is just a passing point,

but there is still a big difference between middle school and high school

both mentally and physically.

With that mindset of turning over a new leaf,

I treated myself along with a mom who has been a childhood friend since kindergarten. ✨

My second daughter will be a high school student starting in April.

She is reliable, and in the areas that are visible, she is very independent.

However, she is a daughter who is strongly affected by the eyes of society.

The parts of her heart that are not visible are slower to develop than her age would suggest.

Let me talk about such a daughter.

My daughter cannot be herself when she is out in public,
and that exhaustion is significant.

Since she was little, she has been very perceptive about others and her surroundings.
She has an attitude like an honor student.
She behaves in a way that sets a good example.

However, it is not that she points out others' faults.
She silently does what she believes is right.

That is a very good thing, but
as a parent,
I sometimes think,
Isn't it okay to let your guard down more?

She extremely dislikes making mistakes or failing.

It is not that she is exceptionally too serious.
She is not like a disciplinary committee member who points out others' faults.
She observes those around her, stands by the weak, and harbors strong discomfort toward the strong.

She has the deep trust of her teachers.
Because she sees the children in her class and the situation well, she is always helpful.
She receives praise from every teacher.
However,

They also say,
She is so sensitive and understands her surroundings too well, so I am worried.(I agree with them.)

The perceptions of the home and the school are always in agreement.

She has kindness and can observe her surroundings well.
She also has self-control and is considerate.
She is also proactive, but there are times when she suppresses herself.

She likes things like rules, order, and morality,
justice, and correctness.

It is not a bad thing, but
at times, I feel it makes her feel constrained.

That rigidity
is what causes her to snap.

This is something I have told both my second daughter and my eldest daughter.

Being correct is not everything.

In each situation, what they are saying is correct.
But sometimes, there are things at work that go beyond just that correctness.
The two of them, who are so straightforward,
did not yet possess that experience and perspective.

While standing by their feelings,
I taught them new situations and ways of looking at things each time they arose.

For my second daughter,
loosening up, relaxing, and playing

That is a little difficult for her.
She is still shaky, and her resilience isn't working yet.

Softness and flexibility—I want to help her cultivate those.

Her sense of self-denial
makes her current movements stiff.

It feels like she is trying hard to interact with friends,
as if she is afraid of getting hurt and is trying not to let anyone step into her space.

As her parent, that is how it seems to me.

She has a fair number of friends and peers,
and she shows her true self to some extent, but
I think there are few relationships
where she can speak her true feelings.

Right now, she is
searching for companions with whom she can connect heart-to-heart.I suppose.

She

tends to have interests that are more inward-looking,
tends to be biased toward her own inclinations,
needs time alone,
and because she has few interests, she has to be careful when trying to empathize,
which leaves her feeling exhausted, so she often spends time with boys because it's easier,
is also confused about her own sexuality,
has an extreme aversion to sexual things,

Who am I?
She is right in the middle of deconstructing herself for the sake of ego identity!

Black-and-white thinking,
a sense of self-denial.

Such things are strong in her,
and she shows or hides them.

Though she acts as if she is doing it naturally,
to me, she is still not used to it,
and a sense of discomfort is visible.

School refusal during the first and second years of middle school due to stress from friendships

Developed orthostatic dysregulation, making it painful even to wake up in the morning

Feeling scared and unable to enter the classroom, accompanied by nausea and headaches

During that period, I attended school by staying in the nurse's office and tried to participate in classes when I could

Physical symptoms had been frequent since the fifth grade of elementary school, with constant stomachaches.
The nurse's office was concerned and contacted us often.

Both our family and the school understood her sensitive nature well.
We had anticipated that middle school might be a concern.

Honestly, I had not expected the physical impact to become this severe.

Feeling sick when standing up,
feeling sick when eating,
feeling unwell in the morning, able to get up in the afternoon, and feeling energetic in the evening.
There were constant headaches, stomachaches, and nausea.
Her food intake had decreased,
and she was losing both nutrition and strength.


During this time, I focused on ensuring her bodily functions did not decline further.

Maintaining a consistent daily rhythm.
Adjusting the amount, frequency, and content of meals to what she could eat.
Basking in the sunlight in the garden.
Trying to keep her body upright as much as possible, even if it was difficult.
When she felt better, doing rhythmic exercises, even if it was just marching in place.
Checking blood pressure and heart rate.
Utilizing supplements and medication.

Supporting her by her side as she suffered and struggled, walking this path together.
I became her foundation, working to lift her up so she wouldn't sink any lower than she already was.

Taking two steps forward and one step back,
through trial and error.

We worked hard to overcome this together.

Studies and academic performance were secondary.
Naturally, she couldn't take regular exams either.
Health and safety came first.

She lived a relaxed life for a while.
Of course, small arguments between parent and child happened daily.

But while being mindful of her physical condition,
keeping the words and content of our conversations low-stimulation,
I created an environment where she could feel safe, but
I treated her in a normal, everyday manner.

The adults she could talk to about her inner feelings were the teachers in the nurse's office.
There were several of them, and they were all kind.
The nurse's office teacher acted as a coordinator,
sharing information with her homeroom teacher and us, her guardians.
This coordination is essential.

Deep within her,
the unspoken wish to return to how things were
must have been what kept her going.

Thanks to everyone's support,
without disrupting her daily rhythm,
and by being mindful of her nutrition and physical strength,
she began to stabilize little by little.

The next step was
moving from attending the nurse's office to attending the classroom.

Instead of participating in class only when feeling well while staying in the nurse's office,
the goal was to attend the classroom and rest in the nurse's office only when feeling unwell.
This was the shift.

The next challenge for her, who had anxiety about the classroom,
was to approach her anxiety while holding onto it, and to build up resilience against it.

The nurse's office is a safe place, so it is difficult to push her to leave.
It serves a maternal function.

Parents possess both maternal and paternal aspects, but
in the current situation, it leans more toward the maternal, and it is difficult to provide strong stimulation.

That is why a third party was necessary.
For the next step,
I suggested to my daughter that she consider counseling.
She felt that it might be necessary for her as well.

She said she didn't want school counseling because it was inside the school.
The counselor I see doesn't specialize in children, but
they said they would see her if she wanted to.
I told her, 'It can be the same person as me, or someone else.'
So, would you like to try counseling?

'Yeah...' she nodded quietly.

Psychological experts have refined skills.
It really is completely different.

My second daughter has been stabilizing, slowly but surely.

The day she returned to attending class.
She had made up her mind.
She faced her own inner conflicts.

Through her own efforts,
she regained herself.

In her third year of middle school, she says, 'School is fun!'

She has developed mentally,
and she is able to view herself objectively.
However,
her perspective and world are still narrow.

Her flexibility is somewhat weak.

Her emotional side has become regulated, but
her thinking and imagination are also somewhat limited.

Yet,
she acts as if she understands everything...

(The teenage years)

Even though she has only experienced a tiny bit...

Today's era is overflowing with information.
Information works for both good and bad.

In the case of my eldest daughter, she only uses it as a reference.
In reality, she values what she experiences herself.

In the case of my second daughter,
she is timid about actual experiences and tries to fit herself into information. She is easily trapped.

I am still a little worried...

She understands the situation in everything,
and solves things quickly on her own.

She studies without her parents telling her to,
and even things she was told to do are all completed before I know it.

Her self-management ability is high.

Because of that,
because she can solve things on her own,
she has a tendency not to trust those around her.

It is hard for other people's opinions to get through to her.
She falls under the illusion that her own way of thinking is correct.

To put it a bit dramatically,

she has solved things without needing anyone's help,
so she thinks her own way of thinking cannot be wrong.

Something like that...

(Wow! She's like me when I was little (lol) 💧)

At the same time, she is very sensitive,
and because she understands the feelings of others and those around her,
she often gives in to others...

She cannot understand the lack of consideration from others,
and she cannot say what she felt at that time, so

she ends up grumbling and complaining...

Doesn't she ever express her own words?

Her next step is

How to communicate her feelings
Self-expression

She cannot organize her thoughts
She cannot express her feelings honestly

Nurturing this aspect

I helped her develop one strength

She is pretty good at singing

She can join a high school club from the autumn of her third year of middle school
She had decided to join the light music club

Both she and those around her acknowledge her singing voice

That will be something that lasts a lifetime!

It is not that she will become a singer, but
her singing ability
will be a weapon that affirms her anytime, anywhere

Being reasonably good is enough!
When someone listens and says, 'What a beautiful voice,' 'You're good!'
That alone makes her feel happy
The self she affirms
and the self others affirm are in agreement

I suggested voice training
At first, she was hesitant, saying it wasn't necessary to go that far, but
I brought it up every now and then

Having realized her own strength,
she is now happily attending voice training!

Still,

she is an unstable second daughter, but

Always changing little by little

Through her own strength

Searching for herself

I am looking forward to seeing you as a high school student✨

Identity❗️

Do your best! My second daughter!✨

Even so

I feel like her emotional nourishment is growing more than before

Something like the soil of the heart

I feel like nutrient-rich soil is being formed