How I, Who Cannot Escape the Hunger for Affection, Think About Conveying Love

I will try to reflect on the nature of affection.

There is a part of me that craves affection.

I am married, have a family, have been blessed with children and friends,
I am able to do what I want, and I live without hardship.
I live in an environment that could be called happy, with no particular problems.

I, too, spend my days grateful that I can live a happy life.

And yet...
A feeling that simply will not disappear lies dormant, holding its breath deep within my body.
That feeling lurking inside me never goes away.

I live while carrying the starving version of myself that sleeps within me.
I live trying not to feel it.

I am surrounded by so much love.
I am able to feel affection.
I feel happy.

Even so...

Something else,
from somewhere,
something parched and bone-dry,
is waiting to be filled, seeking water, seeking moisture.

Both are forms of affection, but
no matter how much is poured into me,
the starving heart of the child I once was does not disappear...

It is not something that can be replaced by anything else.
It is not something that can be overwritten.

Like a trauma,
it is etched into my body and will not leave.

It is not that my mother did not have affection for me.
My mother did her best in her own way.
She was just insensitive.
Or perhaps, she lacked the power of empathy.

I do not know how much my mother understood me...
She might have been trying to understand,
but perhaps she did not know how.

Even if I can think about it from many perspectives like that,
even if I understand it with my head,
the memories etched into my body do not disappear...

The presence of a mother in early childhood is absolute.
It can be said that it is something that threatens one's very life.
At a mother's casual words or actions,
a small child experiences terror that threatens their very existence.

That is precisely why

a mother's expression, voice, attitude, gaze, and affection are important.
It is important to react to events, provide follow-up, and offer a sense of security.

Even though I am aware of and can distinguish between the affection being poured into me and the starvation of affection from my past, I still

feel myself thirsting and craving water
Facing that
has become my challenge

We say the word affection, but

Is that affection self-serving?
Is it something the other person feels happy about?

I do not believe there is such a thing as affection that can overwrite the past

I think it is about

how we can apply affection to the events of that moment

Being able to face that moment sincerely

might be the greatest form of affection...

There is a part of me that feels affection cannot be overwritten

That is why I face each moment

and aim to pour out love

Affection is different for everyone

What kind of thing is the affection you think of?

I face that moment head-on

I want to be someone who can give warm love...