What it means to have your heart accepted

Last week, I had a sore throat and refrained from visiting my mother for the week.
My mother also seemed to be having trouble regulating her body temperature.
Once again, the complex emotions dormant within me were stirred up.

I am someone who feels a strong sense of pain in trying to respect myself.
I empathize too strongly and cannot bring myself to affirm who I am.
The many words my mother has said to me over the years.
My own desire to cherish myself.
The fact that it is not as easy for me as others say it is.

The part of me that has been hurt, the part that wants to be compassionate, and the part that cannot shake off the guilt.

Various emotions replace one another, and I am swayed by waves of feeling.
It was painful to be in this state all by myself,
so I poured it out to someone I wanted to understand my condition.

What lies within this complex self of mine
is not something that can be understood the same way by everyone I tell.

I know that.

Even so, I am in this state right now,
and it is a bit tough...
I want them to understand that, even if just a little.

At first, everyone says things that are all too obvious.

You shouldn't blame yourself
You shouldn't think about it too much
Everyone feels that way
They manage to move past it
Everyone is the same

I know they are words of encouragement, but
it hurts my heart even more...

Things I should do,
things other people are doing,
and things I am unable to do

I know all of that
very well myself.

Even if I know it,
my body is stimulated on its own,
my body reacts on its own,
emotions well up on their own,
and it is not as if I want to be this way.

I don't want to be at the mercy of these feelings either.

Yes, I am conveying what is happening inside me.

Even if I can do it at other times,
there are times when I just can't help it when it comes to my mother.
There are things that are not the same as everyone else.

Having conveyed this much, they finally sensed it a little,

I understand!

In those words,
(I understand and accept the state you are in right now! I've got it!)

I felt that.

Perhaps that is because
I had put the state of what was happening inside me into words
and conveyed it, but

the nuances are conveyed even in text exchanges.

The feeling of having held the same thing together for a moment.

I understand your state! (I have accepted it!)

Here, for an instant, there was an invisible pause, and
I felt the air change.

Having my side of the story accepted, inside my heart,
I understood... I understood... I understood...

there were words and an aftertaste quietly repeating.

After they accepted me,
next, it was the other person's turn to speak.

I cannot understand everything, but
when I see them like that,
there is a part of me that can do nothing,
and I also feel sorry and start to feel guilty.

Calmness returns to me, and I am made aware of the other person's perspective.

I see, just like the feelings I am experiencing,
the people around me, seeing me like this,
are feeling the same things I am feeling.

I realized that I myself was doing things that made those around me sad.

While being tossed about by what wells up inside me,
I cannot notice such things.

I do not want to make the people around me sad.
I do not want to do things that make myself sad either.

My sanity is gradually returning.

Thank you!

For understanding my state✨

Everything starts from there.

After that, I was able to regain some sanity,
the pain in my throat went away, and
I was able to meet with my mother with a stable heart.

The incident that happened to my mother this time,
the administrative work is also finished, and things have settled down.

My mother's slight fever, my own poor health,
my guard went down, and it seems my heart became a bit unsettled.

It flows in, time and again,
something stemming from a long history.

It is quite formidable, but
now, I have allies like this.

Until now, the times I felt
understood and accepted in this way
were very few...

The difficulties I carry.

Even though I can build relationships with friends where we accept each other...

The experience of not being able to get through to those closest to me,
like family or a partner, the people who are nearest and whom I want to understand me most.

Should I call it responsiveness...

The days when I would convey my state,
only to not be understood,
I have felt very sad many times.

Now, I feel that even the people close to me whom I want to understand me
are showing sincerity, listening earnestly,
and have become my allies.

Since my frailty became visible...

Perhaps I was unconsciously thought of as
being solid, strong, and okay,
and capable of doing anything...

I am not as strong a person
as those around me think,
I have many weaknesses and shortcomings within myself,
and even though I myself feel and understand that very well,

no one understands that,
no one takes it seriously,
they think I can do it, and they don't treat me properly.

I have felt that way for so long...

My difficulties were hard to see from the outside,
and seemed hard to understand...

Also, because we were close, there may have been some taking for granted.
And, it was I who wanted to be taken care of.

In my immediate circle, that was not understood...

The image or impression that person has
I also get caught up in such biases

Realizing that,

ever since I was young, I have dared to bring my weaknesses and things I cannot do
to the forefront,
and have consciously made an effort to appeal them.

Wisdom born from the experience of not being understood.

That is why I think I have been able to build many equal relationships with friends.

With people close to me, we end up in a battle of mutual dependency,
and I always end up losing...

My life at home and my interactions with my family,
influenced by various things about me,
may have been an environment where it was even harder to be noticed...

The conversation has jumped around a bit, but
using my experiences and feelings as hints,
I would be happy if you could look at those various aspects and think about them.

Regarding the dialogue of understanding (accepting),
the importance of putting one's state into words,
the feelings and state of someone carrying emotional wounds,
trying to see not just what is visible, but what is invisible,
the fact that we sometimes view things based on a high standard of what we think is possible,
that attachment formation is important,
the sense of security in having an ally,
that when you are accepted just as you are, your heart relaxes,

Drawing close to the heart and talking heart-to-heart

Now that my heart has been accepted,
I can feel my natural, comfortable self.

I don't feel sorry for having caused trouble for those around me by being tossed about,
nor do I feel the need to force myself to correct my course in a better direction,
but through our interaction, I naturally return to myself.

Just by having my heart accepted,
my heart melted, relaxed, and was filled with kindness.

My current self is
accepting everything (as if it no longer bothers me),
able to remain unshaken regarding my mother (able to be calm),
and possessing a stable heart.
It is as if the self before and after the events that happened to my mother are connected,
a feeling that the self from before and my current self are on the same straight line,
returning to my original self and walking that path once again.
That is how much I feel my heart has been organized.

May the words of my experience
become seeds of realization for someone...

This has become a long piece, but thank you for reading.

~What lies beyond accepting the heart~

..Thank you for reading..

#PuttingHeartIntoWords
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#Heart
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