Imagining the Day of Graduating from note

"I can't seem to write..."

My eldest daughter muttered, lacking motivation for her graduation thesis.
I muttered back that writing is just a matter of getting used to it.

"I use note to practice organizing my thoughts and putting them into words."

"Yeah, my friend started note recently and said the same thing."
"Come to think of it, you use note too, don't you, Mom?"

"Oh, your friend started note too?"

"Yeah, she's like me and isn't good at writing, so she started it."
"What kind of things do you write about on there, Mom?"

For once, my daughter showed interest.

My daughter has known for a while that I use note, but
we are a family that doesn't really interfere in each other's private lives.

Even knowing about note, it was nothing more than a "Oh, I see."
That was about it.
I also would have felt uncomfortable if she had pried any further.
For me, this moderate distance is just right.

Having my daughter or family read it
feels similar to having my diary peeked at,
and there was a part of me that didn't want to reveal
my inner heart to my family.

The other day, while reading an article,
I came across a piece about graduating from note.

I had never even thought about it...

Graduating from note, in other words, what will I do when I leave note?

I have never wanted to leave note, and I have only ever thought about continuing note, so the option of leaving note never existed for me.

I realized that I hadn't even considered leaving note.

How carefree of me.

There is a sense of meaning in doing note for me, and if anything, I was only looking at continuing it for a long time, even if it was a thin thread.

However, an end will come someday. Surely...

When I end note, what will I think...

I don't know when it will be, but it might be soon, or it might be far in the future. It might be in the form of graduation, or it might be when I face death.

If I stop note, or if it stops, what will I do with the works I have written so far, the works I have cherished so far...

What would I want to do with my treasure chest?

For the first time, I tried to imagine it.

Two thoughts came to mind.

1. Cleanly, decisively, and completely delete it.

As if nothing had ever happened, like a phantom or a dream, so that people will forget my presence.

So that my family won't read it, so that my family won't know, quietly, keeping it as a secret just for my own heart.

I have a desire to do so.
But...

I have also been writing down my thoughts for my daughters.
I am putting into words the feelings and thoughts I have,
the inner thoughts I don't usually speak aloud.

So this is what Mom was thinking.
Someday, I want my daughters to feel that way.

That feeling has also welled up in me.

I felt as if these were letters left for my daughters.
Because here, my living words are written down...

When I thought of that, for some reason, I also wanted to
leave them behind for my daughters.

(2) Even if I graduate from note, I will leave the records.

Once my daughters have read them, I think I will decide what to do after consulting with them.

In this note, my trajectory and footprints are recorded.
My words live here.

I, too, still have letters I cannot throw away.
Letters from my mother and letters from my father.

From the characters and sentences written by my parents,
my mother's and father's feelings and thoughts are packed tightly,
and they reach my heart.

My eldest daughter always kept the letter I gave her when she was 10
in her school bag,
until she was a senior in high school.

My second daughter treasures the note-like letter
I wrote to her on the day I finished making her bento lunches for 19 years.

Words contain the heart.

Just as I treasure the letters from my parents,
my daughters also treasure letters from their parents.

I was remembering that.

To my daughter, who became interested in my note,
I shared my account for the first time.

But, because I don't want her to read it just yet...

Instead of sending the account link,
I took a screenshot of the account and sent that,

saying, 'This is it!'

To go and read it,
I made it so she would have to Google it to find it,
leaving one extra step.

I figured she wouldn't go through the trouble of taking that extra step just to read it.

I wonder if a day will come when my daughters read it...

Ever since I imagined graduating from note,

I have started to dream of such a day.

..Thank you for reading..

#Putting heart into words
#Yuyu
#Essay
#Graduation from note
#Reflecting
#Record
#Diary
#Memories
#Thoughts
#Heart
#Daughter