Things I Struggled With Before Knowing About HSP

Before I knew about HSP, I kept having these feelings: Why can't I do what others can? I'm weak, I'm no good, I have to be stronger!

My self-esteem would drop, and because I tried to force myself to change my mindset, I would end up denying and suppressing my own feelings, which only made me suffer more. I would keep pushing myself until I was exhausted and physically ill. Or, I would explode, cause trouble for those around me, and fall into a state of self-loathing.

Even when I tried to manage things well on my own, it didn't go as planned... I struggled and suffered. People would dismiss me as being "nervous," "a perfectionist," or "too serious," and I would always scream in my heart, "That's not it!" But no one understood.

I would try to talk to people to help them understand what I was feeling and thinking, but there was so much detail and information that I couldn't organize my thoughts and failed to get my point across. If I tried to explain everything carefully and in detail so they would understand, my explanations would just become too long...

I feel so much that I end up acting preemptively, constantly worrying about other people's expressions and the atmosphere.

"It's not a big deal," "Why don't you just stop worrying about it?"

These words are surprisingly painful... I'm struggling precisely because I can't stop worrying even though I know I should... It makes me feel like it's my fault for worrying, or that I'm no good, leading me to deny myself.

Words like "You can do it if you try" or "Do your best" are meant to be encouraging, but there are times when these are painful too. I am constantly reading and feeling people's expressions and the atmosphere in my daily life, so I feel like I am always doing my best. That's why I think in my heart, "Do I have to do even more? I'm already doing enough!"

People around me seem to live so easily, so why is it so hard for me...? Thinking that made me dislike myself.

No one understands me.

I always had this feeling, and I often felt lonely and alienated.

In my case, my mother, who was closest to me, was not only unable to understand my feelings but was also dependent on me, which was difficult. My father was strict and stern, and he was rarely home because of frequent overseas business trips. There was no one close by I could rely on, no place to rest, and the environment was not one that respected me.

I was fighting with myself alone. That's what it felt like.

I've been through a lot in life, but I've managed to get this far by correcting and adjusting in my own way, repeating failures and trial and error. Even so, with a life full of turbulent events, unable to talk to anyone or have my pain understood, I was under too much stress and tried too hard, until finally, I couldn't move anymore.

However, I was able to take the time to seriously think about what it was that made life feel so difficult, and since I had wanted to do that many times, I am glad I was able to understand myself.

As I began to unravel it, I started to think that I might be an HSP.

Even then, I didn't jump to conclusions. Starting from the high probability, I searched for something closer to my own experience, and until I was convinced and certain, I dug deep into HSP, reading and researching a lot. That, too, is part of my tendency to be particular and want to process things deeply.

When I learned about HSP, I was so happy! I thought, "Yes, this is it! Everything written here is exactly what I've been thinking!" I realized that I wasn't broken or strange after all!

I think HSPs tend to assume that others can perceive things just like they do, because it's natural for us to understand how others feel. We don't think it's a power unique to us. That's why we sometimes look at things through our own lens, wondering, "I can sense this, so why can't they?" Knowing that I am an HSP and that my senses are sharp is good because it allows me to be aware that I am different from others!

Since realizing I am an HSP, the feelings I've carried until now have been validated, and I've been able to feel much more at ease. When you understand yourself, you can start to like yourself. You can cherish yourself. It's a mystery!

Before I knew I was an HSP, I had many struggles, but now I am able to take measures against them. I feel like I have become able to heal myself.

I love my sensitivity!