To have children, or not to have children.

I wanted to have children, so I did.

I loved children so much that I even studied to become a childcare worker.

Being surrounded by children,
growing older with them,
eventually becoming a grandmother,
and spending my final moments surrounded by a growing family.

I thought that was exactly what happiness was.

No.

For me, that was a future that would naturally unfold,
and I might not have even thought to describe it specifically as "happiness."

I met my sister, who is two years younger than me, for the first time in a while during the Obon holiday.

We have always been very close, and she is a sister I can talk to about anything.

My sister is single, but she has a partner she is considering marrying.

When we somehow started talking about the future, my sister

"I have no intention of having children."

she said.

She said she didn't want her current, natural way of life to change.

I didn't deny it.

I thought, that's one way of thinking, too.

Besides, I also thought it was just like her.

But, I felt lonely.

Perhaps it was because my own "natural future" included the idea that one day my children would have cousins, and our family gatherings would become lively.

If I talk about the reasons why I decided to have children,
it inevitably sounds like I am trying to persuade my younger sister.

That cannot be right.

However,
to my sister who "does not want children at all,"
what can I, who "always wanted children,"
possibly say?

No matter how I phrase it, wouldn't it end up hurting my sister's feelings?

Is this loneliness?

Will I ever understand what the true nature of this feeling is?