And So Love Circulates ③
Two months have passed in the blink of an eye, but here is the continuation.
Still unable to get that art poster out of my mind, I headed back to the furniture store the following weekend.
They said the art poster exhibition was ending that week, so if I was going to buy it, this was my last chance.
I headed toward the section with the art poster, harboring a faint hope that if it had already been sold, I could just give up and accept it.
As I stepped into the exhibition room, which had a bit more empty space than when I visited last time,
It's still there!!! It's still sitting there!!!
The moment I saw that red hat, my hope that the matter would be automatically resolved if it had already been sold vanished into thin air.
Seeing it again after a week, it was still wonderful.
My dreams expanded as I imagined displaying it in my favorite spot in the room, but the staggering price still made me hesitate.
I got tired from overthinking and was about to settle it with my usual pattern—deciding that this amount was just too much for a luxury item—when again,
I'm fine with that, but are you really okay with it?
I felt as if it were saying that to me, so I faced the poster once more.
In this presence, which felt slightly provocative yet clearly willing to look at my true intentions, and which strangely didn't feel unpleasant at all,Am I really okay with this?I wanted to confirm my true feelings once again.
I really want this poster. I even want to display it in the best seat in my new home.
But with so many expenses waiting for me, it feels too extravagant to spend this much on something that isn't essential.
But I also know that buying the poster won't leave me in financial ruin.
I realized that I was just afraid because I had never spent money that way before.
I felt like I was somehow very afraid of learning a new way to spend money and seeing a new world.
It was like, what if I was better off not knowing, and by knowing, I lost my restraint and my life took a strange turn?
Even though I realized that, what's scary is still scary.
But after receiving the question "Are you really okay with it?" over and over again, I wanted to try it out.
Until now, I would have definitely given up.
That was my classic pattern.
But what kind of scenery would there be if I strayed from that path?
I wanted to try choosing a path I had never chosen before.
Once my heart was set, things moved quickly; I took the poster to the register and easily paid the amount I had been hesitating over.
While waiting for them to carefully wrap the poster, I felt completely fulfilled.
The sense of accomplishment from overcoming my fear and making a new choice.
The joy of being able to choose something I wanted for myself.
Various feelings welled up at once, and I felt like I just wanted to shout with joy!!
I was just so happy with myself for being able to make this decision.
I certainly paid a price that required a lot of courage that day, but that fact seemed to melt away and disappear within the joy of my decision, and it no longer bothered me.
After I paid, there was no guilt or regret, just pure happiness.
It's very strange, considering how much I had been obsessing over it.
It takes a bit of courage and resolve, but I feel that this was a day when the desire to choose what I truly want, just like I did today, was deeply etched into me.
And the poster, which I safely welcomed into my new home, became a presence that watches over me both gently and strictly from the most prominent seat in the house.
To be continued.