A woman in her late 40s, unmarried, wearing a wedding dress

After welcoming the spring equinox (the cosmic New Year) on March 21st, I felt that I could finally look back on last year's events with a calm mind (a bit late!), so I decided to write about them.

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2021 was a good year in which I challenged myself with many things, discovered a new side of me, and grew significantly.

Above all, it all started when I began learning coaching, something I had been curious about for a long time.

Through coaching sessions, I was able to dive deep into my inner self and face many things from my many experiences: my wounded feelings, my happy feelings, my love for my family and myself, my true thoughts, and even my deepest wishes.

And in the midst of all that, I happened to come across a certain project online.

■ It started with a charity project I found online

It was a charity project organized by the general incorporated association the GIFT, with the goal of creating an opportunity for people to take a first step toward a new self with the help of a "wedding dress."
The idea was that if you have a wedding dress—the ultimate item that allows a woman to shine with confidence—you might gain the courage to do things you couldn't do before, say things you couldn't say, and find the power to take a new step forward.

A wedding dress is a special item that one would normally only wear for a wedding ceremony or a commemorative photo shoot with a partner. Even on Halloween night, I have never seen anyone brave enough to wear one.

It is that special, and unlike traveling alone or eating out alone, it is not something you can easily do without a partner, even if you want to.

However, I think it is something many women dream of wearing someday, and I was one of them.
(It's amazing to be able to say such desires of mine without lying)

I know the answer is to hurry up, find someone, and have a wedding, but there are many people in the world who cannot do that due to various circumstances. In my case, things wouldn't go that easily either, and I could see myself becoming a wrinkled, hunched-over old lady while waiting. (I will talk about my partner, with whom I am currently in a long-distance relationship, later.)

Apart from that, I know there are people in society who would be surprised to hear that a woman in her late 40s is wearing a wedding dress, but I made a desperate attempt to take photos while I still have one less wrinkle on my face today than I will tomorrow.

■ More than just wearing a dress

For this charity project, people who had not had the chance to wear a wedding dress for various reasons applied through self-recommendation or recommendations from others, and seven people (five groups) were finally selected.
Under the project's true purpose of serving as a turning point in life, on the day of the event, each participant wrote a letter to their parents, partner, or themselves, as if it were the start of a new life, and read it in front of everyone.

The person I wanted to express the most gratitude and love to in this project wasmyself, for having done my best even when things were tough. So, I read the letter to myself, hoping that this encouragement would reach me and perhaps someone else out there who feels the same way.

And I am truly glad that I finally broke the spell I had cast on myself—that I couldn't do it because of my birthmark—faced my anxieties, took on the challenge, fulfilled my desire without deception or pretense, and was able to be myself, literally, without hiding anything.

■ Fear of the wedding dress

As I have written on note before, I have a large hemangioma (red birthmark) from my upper right body down to my arm and fingertips. On top of that, because I am tall, I had always had a vague worry about whether there would be a wedding dress I could wear.

Is there anything that would make me look truly wonderful, including a long-sleeved dress that could cover my birthmark and the right length?
If there are only dresses with common designs like strapless or those that expose a lot of the arms, would the partner's relatives or friends, whom I might be meeting for the first time at the reception, be surprised or feel uncomfortable?
And would I feel stressed by their gazes on a day that is supposed to be a happy and important one?
I had been worrying about these unnecessary things for decades without ever having the chance to wear one (lol).

"I can't wear a wedding dress"

This was one of the big things I overcame through self-coaching.
I faced head-on the things I couldn't do even though I wanted to, due to the anxiety and fear stemming from my past experiences.

According to research from the University of Pennsylvania in the U.S., 90% of the things we worry about never happen, and we fear anxiety because it is something invisible.

If I was anxious because I didn't know what kind of dresses were available, I could have easily found out by searching online, but I kept thinking that a wedding dress shop was a place I shouldn't go near, telling myself, 'Someone like me...', and I lived my life abnormally avoiding wedding magazines in bookstores and photos of dresses.

After living like that for over 40 years, I still remember that night when I first fearfully typed 'wedding dress images' into Google and pressed Enter to discuss what kind of dress I wanted to wear in a meeting with the event planner.

■ The day of the shoot

And then, the day of the shoot arrived.
The rain that had been falling until morning miraculously stopped, and under a dazzlingly bright autumn sky, I took photos in a wedding dress at a chapel in a Tokyo wedding venue with my partner, who had flown to Tokyo for the shoot.

In the chapel, with my partner, who loves and supports me for who I am, standing right next to me watching over me, I gathered my courage and read a letter I had written to myself in front of everyone involved. I will omit the full text, but here is a part of it.

"To love myself no matter what. To acknowledge the effort I have made every day to not give up.

And I give myself permission. To fulfill my own wishes and make myself even happier."

In the chapel, I blessed my own life and vowed to make myself happier from now on.

■ Other reasons for applying to the project

There were other reasons why I applied for the project.

Since it was mentioned in advance that there would be media coverage on the day of the shoot, Iwanted to make it an opportunity for more people in the world to know about hemangiomas (red birthmarks)and alsowanted to deliver the message not to give up on what you want to do even if you have such birthmarks or other symptoms and characteristics.

"I am someone who cannot be confident because I am different from others, but
regardless of your appearance or age, you should wear what you want to wear, no matter who you are,
and you should do what you want to do.
Don't be swayed by the voices around you saying, 'Because of this, you must do that.'
Because this is your one and only life.

Don't be misled by the noisy people around you,
or by the voices of anxiety that you create on your own,
and listen properly to your own small, but important, voice.
Because you are the only one who can do that.

You, too, can make your wishes come true."

I intended to convey this not just with words, but literally by putting my body on the line.

■ Unexpected changes afterward

There were other unexpected changes.

Since this project allowed not only me in a dress but also my partner to take photos together, it became like an actual wedding commemorative photo.

And I feel that my relationship with him, which had been at a standstill for several years regarding whether or not to get married, has started to move forward little by little.

I think I just had a strong desire to have photos of myself in a dress before I became a wrinkled old woman, as I had wanted to get married soon.

I had been wondering when my limit for patience and effort would come, given the various hardships of a long-distance relationship where I had to take a plane to see him, not knowing how long it would last, as well as our age and our differing views on marriage.
However, once we took the photos together, my feelings completely settled, and on the contrary, it seems he has finally started to turn his mind toward marriage (though, in reality, it is a snail-like pace, wondering how many more years it will actually take).

■ In conclusion

The title of this piece is so cringeworthy that it's a bit tough for me to read back (lol).
However, it was a good experience for me, as I have been too concerned with common sense and what society says I 'should' do, and I chose this title hoping it would reach as many people as possible.

And I would be happy if this could serve as encouragement to stand by and support anyone who feels like they have something they want to do but can't.

I would also like to express my gratitude once again to the general incorporated association the GIFT and everyone involved for giving me this opportunity.
Thank you very much.

※ Port-wine stains (birthmarks) are not contagious. They do not hurt when touched. However, it hurts the heart to be avoided or stared at by people who lack understanding or knowledge.