【My Story of Overcoming Eating Phobia】#CreativeAward2025 #AllCategories

0. About this article

I have re-edited the essay manga I drew last year titled "My Story of Overcoming Eating Phobia" into a combination of an essay and essay manga.

It has been over 20 years since I first developed eating phobia and experienced my most severe symptoms, but recently I have started hearing the term "eating phobia."

Back then, I didn't even know such a term existed.

After reading this article last year, I decided to write down my own experience.

1. I developed eating phobia. High school to university edition

The fear that started with "Are you going to leave that?"

One day in my second year of high school.

I went to a family restaurant with friends and left some food because I was full.

A friend asked me, "Are you going to leave that?"

They were just asking, and there was no accusatory nuance.

However, from then on, every time I ate out with friends, my appetite would suddenly disappear, or I would feel sick, have difficulty breathing, or feel restless, and these things started happening frequently.

When that happened, a negative loop would start where thoughts like "I might not be able to eat again. I might leave some. What if I throw up?" would pop into my head, making me feel even worse.

I didn't know the word or concept of "eating phobia" at the time, and although I thought later that the "Are you going to leave that?" at the family restaurant might have been the trigger, I had no idea what was going on back then.

Even though I could eat at home and eat lunch with friends at school, the fact that I couldn't eat with friends at family restaurants or fast-food places made no sense, and because I couldn't put it into words, I couldn't explain it.

I couldn't understand it myself, so I was also anxious that even if I could explain it to my friends, I didn't know if they would understand.

Anyway, I thought I had to deal with it without telling anyone.

I tried analyzing it.

【When I'm okay】Eating alone, eating at home, eating lunch with friends at school, eating snacks with friends in the shopping district【When I feel restless】Family restaurants or fast food with friends, school cafeteria with friends

What I noticed here was that eating lunch or snacks with friends was fine, but the school cafeteria was not. For lunch, if I left some, I could put the lid on and take it home. For snacks, they were often small things like taiyaki that I could finish, and even if I left some, I could take them home. I thought that maybe that sense of security was triggered, preventing the restlessness. I tried going to a ramen shop alone. Although I thought that eating alone would probably be fine, I went to a ramen shop alone for the first time to make sure. Yeah, I'm fine after all. I don't get nervous when I'm alone. Finished it! I'll drink the soup too! Wait, soup is... Even if I leave some, can't you not see what's inside because of this dark-colored soup?!! An unexpected discovery. I continued to increase the number of places where I felt okay. When I tried soups like ramen and soba in the school cafeteria, I was able to eat with my friends happily without feeling restless. In other words, it's fine if people can't see if I leave some, as long as it's not pointed out. If that's the case, fast food is also fine because I can wrap it in paper or take it home. I went to eat okonomiyaki and yakiniku with friends for school festival after-parties, and that was fine too. What I'm bad at is set meals where the amount I eat is strictly determined and I'm in a situation where I'm completely visible to others. As long as I avoided those and chose shared meals, soups, or things I could take home if something happened, I could manage, so it stopped being such a problem.

What should I do! The school trip!

However, it is a school trip.
There will likely be meals in situations I find difficult.
I want to go, I absolutely want to go, but...
I'm anxious...

...The day before, I had a panic attack in my room.

Amidst that, the school trip to Nara and Kyoto arrived.

However, when I actually went, the bento meals eaten on the train, the shared meals like hot pot at the inn,
and set-meal style dishes had lids on the bowls, so I was able to eat normally thinking that if I left some, others wouldn't see it and wouldn't point it out.

There was one time when there was a meal where there was no lid, the portion size was strictly fixed, and it was in a situation where it was visible to others. I realized that, and suddenly the appetite I had until then vanished, and I left it with just one or two bites left.
But, none of my friends in the group pointed it out.

Originally, that's just how it is.
Even when I was asked at a family restaurant, 'Are you leaving that?', they weren't blaming me, they were just asking, and it just happened to be that kind of conversation at that time.
There is no one who checks every time who is eating what and how much, and intends to point it out if you leave some.
I, too, worry so much about 'what if I leave some,' but I don't always leave food behind, and I don't do wasteful things like ordering more than I can eat.
But of course, there are times when I do leave some. Sometimes that just happens.

Entering university.

I had anxiety that once I entered university, the opportunities to eat with people would increase even more.
For now, lunch is fine because there are bentos, bread, rice balls, or ramen and soba at the school cafeteria...
That's what I thought, but.

University students have a high rate of shared meals!

Hot pot parties at a friend's house. Takoyaki parties. BBQ on campus.
Especially after I started drinking alcohol, I gradually got used to the feeling that at places like izakayas, absolutely no one cares about who is eating what.
Perhaps because it was a women's university, I was never forced to drink or eat anything, and I was able to eat and drink at my own pace.

I also went on trips with university friends.
Perhaps because we became close enough to relax while spending long periods of time together, including meals,
I became able to eat things like set meals, which I previously had a mental block against, with my friends.

I managed to overcome it through trial and error.

【Anxiety】 What should I do if I leave food behind?
　↓
【Solution】 Create a situation where, even if I leave some, it won't be pointed out by others.

With this way of thinking as the core, I increased the things I could eat and the situations I could handle.

However, this was a method I devised on my own through trial and error without knowing the word or concept of 'phagophobia'.
Was this correct?

2. Analysis Section

So it's called 'phagophobia'!

In the last few years, I've started hearing the term 'phagophobia'.

Oh, this is what I had...

I was surprised.
I thought it made no sense even to myself that there were times I could eat and times I couldn't, and I was convinced that there was no way others could understand, so I tried to deal with it alone. I didn't know that there were so many people in the world suffering from the same symptoms or who had suffered from them.
Now, I can get information on the internet, and there are books.
So, I decided to recall the past, try a checklist, read books, and analyze whether the overcoming method I had practiced was correct.

Books I read.

Which type am I?

When I tried the type diagnostic test in a book, it seemed that for me,
1. I feel I must conform to those around me,
2. I worry about what if I vomit,
are strong tendencies.

According to another check I found on the web,

When I look back and check based on the time when I was in the middle of the phobia,
it falls into the range of severe phagophobia (potential social anxiety disorder).

What was surprising was that even now, I fall into the range of mild phagophobia (the level of someone who is just a bit uncomfortable with dining out) to severe, depending on my physical condition.

Indeed, even if I don't have the intense restlessness or the precursors to panic attacks like I used to,
I am always worrying about things like, 'I must eat everything,' 'I don't want someone to point it out if I leave food behind,' and 'What if I feel sick, what if I vomit?'

I thought I had managed to overcome it on my own for a while, but
in reality, it hadn't been fundamentally resolved.

Three points for overcoming it.

My way of thinking was, 'Let's create a situation where no one will point it out even if I leave food behind.'
That's why I still think, 'I must not leave food behind.'

However, when I read the book, it asks, 'Is that premise correct in the first place?'

Indeed. It was an eye-opener.
The ideas that I must eat everything, that I must eat at the same fast pace as those around me, or that I must not get sick, were all 'must-nots' that I had arbitrarily imposed on myself.

Even with the method of getting used to things in small steps, I thought it makes a huge difference whether you have this mindset or not.

Since I developed depression after becoming a working adult and have experienced panic attacks,
I think symptoms like phagophobia are prone to recurring depending on my physical condition.
The reason why it recurs, I think, is because my fundamental way of thinking hasn't changed.

The idea of 'it's okay to fail' or 'it's okay for people to see me looking uncool' is,
though it sounds obvious, quite difficult to accept on your own.
It's not something you can acquire immediately today or tomorrow,
and perhaps it's something you acquire while spending your days relaxed, without thinking about depression or worrying about what to do when dining out.

Why am I convinced that 'I must not leave food behind'?

When researching various things in books and the like, it seems many people cite the instruction to finish all school lunches as one of the major causes.
There is no way to verify if it was the cause, but the instruction to finish everything is not a good memory for me either.
I had many foods I disliked as a child, and I was a slow eater,
so when I was in the first grade, there were times when I was still eating even during cleaning time or the closing meeting.
Once, I even walked home while eating fruit, and only finished it when I finally got home.

If school lunch is one of the causes, I think the home environment also played a part.
My home wasn't an atmosphere where we could talk about interesting things that happened at school during meal times,
and if I left food behind, I would get scolded.
However, I wasn't allowed to serve myself a smaller portion beforehand either,
so I think I developed the attitude of forcing it down with water even if I couldn't eat it—that I should just endure it.
When I developed phagophobia, home meals were actually okay,
but I guess that's just habit (laughs).
When eating out, drinking too much water leads to 'what if I vomit,' so I can't push myself.
But at home, I can push myself a little, and it's a sad technique I've been using for many years since I was a child.

I even made efforts like this.

I hate having it pointed out that I left food behind, but if I start worrying about how I eat, there's no telling what might be said.
Until the beginning of my first year of university, my chopstick grip was strange.
I was pointed out by a university professor (you could say I bowed to authority),
and thinking that someone might point it out again,
I decided it would be better to get rid of any source of anxiety, so I fixed it.
(Though, having said that, when I'm alone at home, I use a strange grip.)

Eating is surprisingly multitasking.

If you try to eat in a way that leaves no room for anyone to point anything out,
I think it's quite difficult.

Not leaving anything behind, eating at the same pace as others, not making noise,
holding chopsticks correctly, listening to others while also talking myself,
and being careful not to feel sick or get a stomach ache...

If you think about things like that, there's no end to it, and you can't enjoy yourself.

I just want to eat happily, without any anxiety crossing my mind.

What is so troublesome about that?

If you can't eat with others, there will be many situations at school or work where you will be in trouble.
It would be better if you understood yourself and could clearly explain the reason, but
there are times when you don't feel that nervous with this person, or it's okay at this restaurant, or it depends on your physical condition that day, so
a new worry arises that it might lead to misunderstandings like, 'Is this just an excuse to turn down a meal with me?'
In the first place, it is a burden in itself to feel stress in situations where you would normally live and not feel any stress at all.
There is no doubt that the quality of life drops.
That's how I felt, so I tried to overcome it on my own, but.

The choice to dare not to overcome it.

On note,
I found someone who said, 'I chose not to overcome sitophobia. I dare not eat out with friends. I'll have tea, but only drinks.'
I found a person who said that.
(I wanted to get permission and post the link, but I had just read it and pressed 'like' a long time ago, so I couldn't find it again now...)

When I saw that article, I was startled.
That way of doing things is also an option. As long as you are convinced.
The point is, you should just look for a way of being that makes you feel comfortable.

And since I wanted to eat with people without hesitation, I thought again that it was the path to overcoming it after all.

3. Huh? Did it happen again? Recent story edition

Symptoms of sitophobia again?

For the past few years, I have been in poor health due to symptoms of depression.
I have finally become much better in the last year.
At my worst, even going to the supermarket to shop felt like an incredibly difficult task, and I would spend three days worrying about whether to go or not. That was the state I was in.
So, even after I was able to cook for myself, I didn't have many opportunities to eat out with people for a while, but
I gradually became more active and started meeting people,
and I started going out to eat.

Huh, something feels off.

In fact, there were times when I came fully prepared to eat, but for some reason, I couldn't eat and left it behind.

Did the symptoms of sitophobia appear again?

The reason I can't eat.

A few months ago, I saw this article and a possibility came to mind.
(This time I remember which article it is properly and have received permission for the link.)

In their case, they analyzed that they were actually experiencing stomach pain.

So, I tried applying that to myself.
My symptoms from high school through college were feeling restless or suddenly losing my appetite.
I think there was some kind of physical effect, but I didn't feel like my stomach was actually bad.

On the other hand, my recent discomfort is definitely my stomach. Stomach! Stomach! Stomach!

I have an appetite, but I get full immediately.
It's not a pleasant feeling of fullness; the upper part of my stomach feels uncomfortable all the time.

I wasn't a big eater to begin with, but my food intake has decreased over the last few years due to depression.
I didn't notice it when I wasn't meeting people much, and
I thought my food intake would return to normal if my activity level increased.

I can eat one full meal.
But for example, if I have tea after lunch, I can't fit in a cake and I get quite full from just the drink,
or if I have a nice course meal for lunch, I don't need dinner anymore,
or things like Starbucks Frappuccinos that I used to be able to drink are too much for me now, that kind of feeling.
It's a subtle point where I'm not sure if I should speak up and say I'm having trouble.

And this discomfort applies even when I'm eating alone, not just when eating with others,
and even when I'm with people, although I might be a little nervous, I don't have the restlessness symptoms,
so when I think about it, maybe this isn't a symptom of eating phobia, but my stomach is actually bad?

Gastroscopy.

After telling my psychiatrist, I went to a gastroenterologist.
Thinking, maybe this is it?

If this is it, it seems the diagnosis is made after confirming there are no physical abnormalities in the gastrointestinal tract.
Although it's not written in the quoted part, it seems to be related to the autonomic nervous system,
so I thought it might just end with, "Keep taking your psychiatric medication as usual."

As an aside, in the last two years,
I visited an ENT clinic for discomfort in my ears, but the test results showed no abnormalities.
I had a long-term headache and visited a headache clinic, but the test results showed no abnormalities.
Because of that, I went into the gastroscopy with a mix of
the feeling that it might be the same this time,
and the anxiety that a disease might be found,
along with the thought that it would be helpful if I found a reason.

This time, there was a physical reason.

【Test Results】
“Reflux esophagitis with hiatal hernia”

It's not a serious illness, and it's not a severe case at all, so don't worry.
It seems many people develop this condition due to being born with it, aging, or obesity.
In my case, it was never pointed out when I had a gastroscopy in the past or during barium tests at work health checkups, so I think it happened within the last two years.
My weight has fluctuated wildly over the last few years, and could it be pressure from fat? The more I look into it, the more things seem to fit...
So, it seems the symptoms will ease if I build muscle or reduce fat.
I'm taking medicine to suppress stomach acid now, but
in the long run, this is also about lifestyle habits, isn't it.

What I learned by saying, “I prefer smaller portions.”

But I'm glad I know the reason.
This time, it wasn't “eating phobia again?”,
but if I had remained in a situation where I couldn't eat for some reason, I would have entered an anxiety loop again,
and it really would have returned.
No, to be honest, it was starting to return a little.
I feel once again that even small things can be a trigger for a phobia.
In high school, I developed eating phobia not for physical reasons,
and I actually had physical symptoms like restlessness and nausea,
but this time it was about to start from physical symptoms.
I think the causes of eating phobia vary from person to person and can overlap,
and while people tend to focus on the mental aspect, I feel it's quite important to be aware of physical symptoms as well.

But I was finally able to accept, “Oh, I can't eat much, and that's okay.”
Because my stomach is shaped that way now.

I tried telling my friend when we were eating together.
Of course, they understood and said, “I see.”

But that wasn't because it was a physical illness;
when I had eating phobia,
I think they probably would have understood if I had said
I'm anxious about eating with people, or
I'd like you not to say anything if I leave food, or
I'll just have a drink, so please don't worry and eat your meal.
At the very least, even if I don't know if I'd get understanding,
I think I should have been more honest about it.
I didn't have any honesty or anything because I wasn't aware of it.

I have a friend who is naturally a light eater and always orders a smaller portion when we eat together.
(Of course, there is a possibility of some physical illness that they just haven't mentioned.)

I have never thought anything of it, nor have I ever told them to eat more.

I can understand my own situation better, and I can also communicate my circumstances.

From a note article by Kenta Yamaguchi, the author of the books and diagnostic scales introduced in this article.

Thinking about what is 'just right' for me.

Setting aside the issue of hiatal hernia for now,
I am not,

a big eater to begin with.
I eat slowly.
My stomach is not very strong. (When I was a company employee, I ate spicy offal with my colleagues and I was the only one who got an upset stomach.)
Perhaps, I have emetophobia & a frequent need to use the restroom (which makes it hard to drink or eat freely without worrying about anything).

I don't think I need to change this.
I mean, the amount I eat, the strength of my stomach, and how often I need the restroom are constitutional, so I don't think they will change.

But I still want to overcome it...

But I still want to be able to enjoy myself without worrying about anything when the time comes.
If it can be cured, I want to cure it.
I don't know where the depression ends, where the phagophobia begins, and what is caused by the hiatal hernia,
but what I can do is take care of my body. That should also have a positive effect on my mental health.
That's why I started yoga a year ago.
My upper body was so stiff that I couldn't take deep breaths, but it has eased up a little recently.
I don't know how much this relates to phagophobia, but since having a constantly tight upper body doesn't seem good for depression, phagophobia, or a hiatal hernia, I hope to continue and make things more comfortable.
I hope that while I focus on taking care of my body, I'll realize that various things have been resolved!

4. Conclusion

I have written this much about dining out,
but it's not that I don't want to eat with people,
and it's not that I don't want to be invited.
That is exactly why it is troublesome, and I think it is a point where I feel anxious about whether I can gain understanding from others.
I am not refusing because I want to refuse of my own will.
It is an involuntary reaction of my body.

Now, I have been drawing 'The Story of Overcoming Phagophobia' as an essay manga as ideas came to me.
I thought about how to bring it to a conclusion,
and I chose the direction that I don't necessarily have to stick to expressing it through manga.
Actually, I thought about drawing a few more episodes,
or drawing about my recent endoscopy in manga form,
but I stopped because it would become disorganized.
That is why I composed it with text and manga.
Since the essay category allows illustrations and images but they are not subject to evaluation, and only the text is evaluated, I am applying to the All Categories Division.

※ This article is an expanded and re-edited version of 'The Story of Overcoming Phagophobia (Table of Contents/Compilation)' posted previously, for the Creative Awards 2025 application.

Click here for the magazine