The Story of Overcoming Eating Phobia (Table of Contents & Compilation)

0. About this article

Under the title "The Story of Overcoming Eating Phobia," I have been drawing essay manga for the past few months, albeit with some breaks.

I thought about bringing it to an end and compiling it into a magazine,

but it was a bit scattered, so I decided to write this article as both a table of contents and a supplement.

Also, since many people on note enjoy reading text, I hope that those who have never seen the manga will read the summary and become interested.

By the way, after reading this article, I thought I would record my own experience.

1. I developed eating phobia. High school to university edition

The fear that started with "Are you going to leave that?"

One day in my second year of high school.
I went to a family restaurant with friends, got full, and left a little bit of food.
A friend asked me, "Are you going to leave that?"
They were just asking, and there was no accusatory nuance.However, from then on, every time I ate out with friends, my appetite, which should have been there, would suddenly disappear,or I would feel sick, have trouble breathing, or feel restless, and such things began to happen frequently.When that happened, the thought "I might not be able to eat again. I might leave it. What if I throw up?" would come to mind, creating a negative loop that made me feel even worse.I didn't know the word or concept of "eating phobia" at that time,and although I thought later looking back that the "Are you going to leave that?" at the family restaurant might have been the trigger, at the time, I was in a situation where I didn't understand what was going on.Even though I could eat meals at home and eat lunch with friends at school,the fact that I couldn't eat with friends only at family restaurants or fast-food places made no sense, and because I couldn't put it into words, I couldn't explain it.Since I couldn't understand it myself, even if I could explain it to my friends, I was anxious about whether they would understand.Anyway, I thought I had to deal with it without telling anyone.

I tried analyzing it.

【When I'm okay】 Eating alone, meals at home, eating lunch with friends at school, eating snacks with friends in the shopping district

【When I feel restless】 Family restaurants or fast food with friends, school cafeteria with friends

What I noticed here is that while eating lunch or snacks with friends is fine, the school cafeteria is not.

For lunch, even if I leave some, I can put the lid on and take it home.

For snacks, there are many small things like taiyaki that I can finish, and even if I leave some, I can take them home.

I thought that maybe that sense of security kicks in, and the restlessness doesn't occur.

I tried going to a ramen shop alone.

Although I thought that eating alone would probably be fine, I went to a ramen shop alone for the first time to verify if that was really the case.

Yeah, it's fine after all. I don't get nervous when I'm alone.Finished it! I'll drink the soup too!Wait, soup is like...Even if I leave a little, can't I hide what's inside with this dark-colored soup?!!An unexpected discovery.One after another, I increased the places where I was okay.When I tried soups like ramen and soba in the school cafeteria, I was able to eat with friends happily without feeling restless.In other words, it's fine as long as it's not visible to others even if I leave some, and as long as it's not pointed out.If that's the case, even fast food is fine because I can wrap it in paper or take it home.During this time, I went to eat okonomiyaki and yakiniku with friends for things like school festival after-parties, but that was also fine.

What I struggled with were things like set meals, where the amount I had to eat was strictly fixed and I was in a situation where I was clearly visible to others.
As long as I avoided those and chose shared meals, soups, or things I could take home if something came up, I could manage, so it stopped being such a problem.

What should I do! The school trip!

However, it was the school trip.
There would probably be meals in situations I struggled with.
I want to go, I absolutely want to go, but...
I'm anxious...

...The day before, I had a panic attack in my room.

In that state, I arrived at the school trip in Nara and Kyoto.

However, when I actually went, I found that I could eat the bento meals on the train, shared meals like hot pots at the inn, and set-meal-like dishes normally because the bowls had lids, and I thought that even if I left some, people wouldn't see it or point it out.
There was one time when there was a meal where there were no lids, the portion size was strictly fixed, and I was in a situation where I was visible to others. I realized that, and suddenly the appetite I had until then vanished, and I left it with just a bite or two left.

But none of my friends in my group pointed it out.

Originally, that's just how it is.
The time I was asked at a family restaurant if I was going to leave it wasn't because they were blaming me, they were just asking, and it just happened to be that kind of conversation at that time.
There is no one who checks every time who is eating what and how much, and intends to point it out if you leave some.
Even I worry so much about 'what if I leave some,' but I don't usually leave food all the time, and I don't do wasteful things like ordering more than I can eat.
But of course, there are times when I do leave some. Sometimes that just happens.

Entering university.

When I entered university, I was anxious that opportunities to eat with people would increase even more.
For now, lunch is fine because there are bentos, bread, rice balls, and ramen or soba at the school cafeteria, but...
That's what I thought, but...

University students have a high rate of shared meals!

Hot pot parties at friends' houses. Takoyaki parties. BBQs on campus.
Especially after I started drinking alcohol, I got used to the feeling that absolutely no one cares about who is eating what at places like izakayas.
Perhaps because it was a women's university, I was never forced to drink or eat anything, and I ate and drank at my own pace.

I also went on trips with my university friends.
Perhaps because we became comfortable enough to spend long periods of time together, including meals, I became able to eat things like set meals, which I had previously felt uncomfortable with, along with my friends.

I managed to overcome it through trial and error.

[Anxiety] What should I do if I leave some food?
↓
[Solution] Create a situation where even if you leave some, people won't point it out.

With this way of thinking as the axis, I increased the things I could eat and the situations I could handle.

However, this was a method I devised on my own through trial and error without knowing the word or concept of 'eating disorder' (social anxiety related to eating).
Was this correct?

2. Analysis Section

It's called 'eating disorder'!

In the last few years, I've started hearing the term 'eating disorder'.

Wait, I had this...

I was surprised.
I thought it made no sense even to myself that there were times I could eat and times I couldn't, and I was convinced that no one would understand, so I tried to deal with it alone. But I didn't know that there were so many people in the world who were suffering or had suffered from the same symptoms.
Now I can get information on the internet, and there are books too.
So, I decided to look back on the past, try a checklist, read books, and analyze whether the overcoming method I had practiced was correct.

Books I read.

Which type am I?

When I tried the type diagnosis in the book, it seems that for me,
① I have to fit in with those around me
② What if I throw up?
are strong tendencies.

Another thing, according to this check on the web,

When I look back and check the time when I was in the middle of the phobia,
it falls into the range of severe eating disorder (possibility of social anxiety disorder).

What was surprising is that even now, it falls into the range of mild eating disorder (the level of someone who is a bit uncomfortable with dining out) to severe, depending on my physical condition.

Certainly, even if it's not as bad as the restlessness or the precursors to panic attacks I used to have,
I am always worried about things like 'I must eat everything,' 'I don't want to be pointed out by others if I leave food,' and 'What if I feel sick, what if I throw up?'

I thought I had managed to overcome it on my own for a while, but
actually, it hadn't been fundamentally resolved.

Three points for overcoming it.

My idea was, 'Let's create a situation where I won't be pointed out by others even if I leave food.'
That's why I still think, 'I must not leave food.'

However, when I read the book, it asks, 'Is that premise correct in the first place?'

Indeed. It's an eye-opener.
The ideas that I must eat everything, that I must eat at the same fast pace as the people around me, or that I must not get sick, were 'must-nots' that I was imposing on myself on my own.

I realized that even with the same method of getting used to it in small steps, it makes a huge difference whether you have this mindset or not.

I have been suffering from depression since I became a working adult and have experienced panic attacks, so
I think symptoms like eating disorder are prone to recurring depending on my physical condition.
The reason why it recurs is, I think, because my fundamental way of thinking hasn't changed.

The idea of 'It's okay to fail' or 'It's okay for people to see me looking uncool' is
something that seems obvious but is hard to accept on your own.
It's not something you can acquire immediately today or tomorrow,
but perhaps it's something you acquire while spending your daily life relaxed without thinking about depression or what to do when dining out.

Why am I convinced that 'I must not leave food'?

When I research various things in books and the like, many people seem to cite the guidance to finish school lunches as one of the major causes.
There is no way to verify if it was the cause, but the guidance to finish everything is not a good memory for me either.
I had many foods I didn't like as a child, and I was a slow eater, so
when I was in the first grade, there were times when I was still eating even during cleaning time or the closing meeting.
Once, I even walked home while eating fruit and finally finished it by the time I got home.

If school lunch is one of the causes, I think the home environment is also a factor.
My home was not an atmosphere where we could talk about interesting things that happened at school during meal times, and
even with meals, I would get scolded if I left food.
However, I wasn't allowed to serve smaller portions in advance, so
I think I acquired the attitude of forcing it down with water even if I couldn't eat it = I just have to endure it.
When I developed eating disorder, meals at home were fine, but
I guess that's just habit (lol).
When eating out, drinking too much water leads to 'what if I throw up,' so I can't push myself.
But at home, I can push myself a little, and it's a sad technique I've been using for many years since I was a child.

I also made efforts like this.

I hate being pointed out for leaving food behind, but if I start worrying about how I eat, there's no telling what people might say.
Until the beginning of my first year of university, I held my chopsticks incorrectly.
After a professor at university pointed it out (you could say I bowed to authority),
I thought I might get pointed out by someone else again,
and I decided it would be better to eliminate any potential sources of anxiety, so I fixed it.
(That said, when I'm alone at home, I still hold them in that strange way.)

Eating is surprisingly multitasking.

If you try to eat in a way that gives no one any room to point anything out,
I think it's quite difficult.

Not leaving food behind, eating at the same pace as others, not making noise,
holding chopsticks correctly, listening to others while also talking myself,
while being careful not to feel sick or get a stomach ache...

If you think about things like that, there's no end to it, and you can't enjoy yourself.

I just want to eat happily, without any anxiety crossing my mind.

What is so troublesome about that?

If you can't eat with others, there will be many situations at school or work where you'll have trouble.
It would be one thing if you understood yourself and could clearly explain the reason, but
sometimes it depends on the person—like not feeling as nervous with this person—or the restaurant, or even just how you feel that day,
so a new worry arises that you might be misunderstood as making up an excuse to decline a meal with someone.
In the first place, it is a burden in itself to experience stress in situations where you would normally live your life without any stress at all.
Without a doubt, your quality of life drops.
That's how I felt, so I tried to overcome it on my own, but...

The choice to intentionally not overcome it.

On Note, I found someone who said,
"I made the choice not to overcome my sitophobia. I intentionally don't eat out with friends. I'll go for tea, but only drinks."
(I wanted to get permission to link to it, but I had read it a long time ago and just pressed 'like,' so I couldn't find it again now...)

Seeing that article, I was struck.
That way of doing things is also an option. As long as you are satisfied with it.
The point is to find a way of being where you can feel at ease.

And since I wanted to be able to eat with people without hesitation, I decided once again that the path of overcoming it was the right one for me.

3. Huh? Did it happen again? Recent stories edition

Symptoms of sitophobia again?

For the past few years, I had been feeling unwell due to symptoms of depression.
I've finally become much healthier in the last year.
At my worst, even going to the supermarket to shop felt like an incredibly difficult task, and I would spend three days worrying about whether to go or not. That was the state I was in.
So, even after I became able to cook for myself, for a while I didn't have any opportunities to eat out with people, but
I gradually became more active, started meeting people again, and
started going out to eat as well.

Wait, something feels off.

In fact, there were times when I came fully intending to eat, but for some reason, I couldn't and ended up leaving food behind.

Could the symptoms of sitophobia have returned?

The reason I can't eat.

A few months ago, I saw this article and a certain possibility came to mind.
(This time, I remember which article it is properly and have received permission to link it.)

In your case, you analyzed that you might actually be experiencing stomach pain.

So, I tried applying that to myself as well.
My symptoms from high school through college were feeling restless or suddenly losing my appetite.
I think there was some kind of physical effect, but I didn't have the sensation that my stomach was actually bad.

On the other hand, my recent discomfort is definitely my stomach.Stomach! Stomach! Stomach!

I have an appetite, but I get full immediately.
It's not a pleasant feeling of fullness; the upper part of my stomach feels uncomfortable all the time.

I was never a big eater, but my food intake has decreased over the last few years due to depression.
I didn't notice it when I wasn't meeting people much, and I thought my food intake would return to normal if my activity level increased.
I can eat one full meal.

But for example, if I have tea after lunch, I can't fit in a cake and I get quite full from just the drink, or if I eat a nice course meal for lunch, I don't need dinner anymore, or things like Starbucks Frappuccinos that I used to be able to drink are too much for me now.
It's a subtle situation where I'm not sure if I should speak up about being troubled.
And this discomfort applies even when I'm eating alone, not just when eating with others, and even when I'm with people, I don't have the restless symptoms even if I'm a little nervous, so when I think about it, maybe this time it's not a symptom of eating phobia but my stomach is actually bad?

Gastroscopy examination.

After telling the psychiatrist I visit, I went to a stomach clinic.
Thinking, maybe it's this?

If it is this, it seems the diagnosis is made after confirming there are no abnormalities since the gastrointestinal tract is not physically damaged.
Although it's not written in the citation, it seems to be related to the autonomic nervous system, so I thought it might just end with "keep taking your psychiatric medication as usual."

As an aside, in the last two years, I visited an ENT clinic for discomfort in my ears, but the test results showed no abnormalities.
I had a headache for a long time and visited a headache clinic, but the test results showed no abnormalities.
Because of that, I went into the gastroscopy with a mix of feelings: thinking it might be the same thing, and the anxiety that a disease might be found, but also the thought that it would be helpful if I knew the reason.

It was physically something.

[Examination Results]
"Reflux esophagitis with hiatal hernia"

It's not a serious illness, and it's not a severe case at all.
It seems many people get this condition due to being born with it, aging, or obesity.
In my case, it was never pointed out when I had a gastroscopy in the past or during barium tests at work health checkups, so I think it happened within the last two years.
My weight has fluctuated wildly in the last few years, and could it be pressure from fat? The more I look into it, the more things seem to fit...
So, it seems the symptoms will ease if I build muscle or reduce fat.
I'm taking medicine to suppress stomach acid now, but in the long run, it's just lifestyle habits after all.

What I learned by saying, "I'd like a smaller portion."

However, I'm glad I know the reason.
It wasn't eating phobia again, but if I had remained in a situation where I couldn't eat for some reason, I would have entered an anxiety loop again and it really would have returned.
No, to be honest, it was starting to return a little.

But I was finally able to accept, "Oh, I can't eat much, and that's okay."
Because my stomach is shaped that way now.

I tried telling my friend when we were eating together.
Of course, they understood and said, "I see."

But that wasn't because it was a physical illness; I think they probably would have understood even back when I had eating phobia if I had said that I was anxious about eating with people, or that I didn't want them to say anything if I left food, or that I would only have a drink so please go ahead and eat.
At the very least, even if I set aside whether I could get understanding, I think I should have been more honest about it.
I didn't have self-awareness, so there was no honesty or anything to it.

I have a friend who is naturally a light eater and always orders smaller portions when we eat together.
(Of course, there is a possibility of some physical illness that they just haven't mentioned.)

I have never thought that they should eat more or felt anything negative toward them.

I can understand my own situation better and communicate my circumstances to others.

Thinking about what is 'just right' for me.

Setting aside the issue of my hiatal hernia for now,
I am not,

a big eater by nature.
I eat slowly.
My stomach is not very strong. (When I was an office worker, I ate spicy offal with colleagues and I was the only one who got an upset stomach.)
Perhaps, I have emetophobia and a small bladder (which makes it hard to drink or eat freely without worrying).

I don't think I need to change these things.
Actually, I think things like appetite, stomach strength, and bladder capacity are constitutional and won't change.

4. Conclusion

I have written this much about dining out,
but it is not that I don't want to eat with people at all,
nor am I saying that people shouldn't invite me.
That is exactly why it is complicated, and why I feel anxious about whether I can get others to understand.

Well, I have been drawing this as an essay manga as thoughts came to me,
'The Story of Overcoming Eating Phobia'.
I was thinking about how to bring it to a close,
and I chose the direction that I don't necessarily have to insist on expressing it through manga.
Actually, I thought about drawing a few more episodes,
or maybe drawing about my recent endoscopy in manga form,
but I decided against it because it would get messy.
I want to add supplementary information, but it feels like it would be superfluous.
I might draw it someday, but for now, this form is the best.
I'm glad I was able to compile it within the year.

Maybe I'll submit it to the essay category of the Creative Awards next year?