It is okay to do the things you 'have to do.' After coming full circle, that is how I feel 'now.'

I am writing this after returning to work.
Living by my own standards and valuing myself—after putting those into practice, I realized that doing the things I 'have to do' is also acceptable for me 'now.'

*This is strictly my own personal state of mind at the present moment. I am not writing this with the intention of recommending it to others. Please, prioritize your own peace and well-being.

What awaited me after pursuing only what I 'had to do' was a leave of absence.

Before my leave, my days were driven by a desire to 'meet expectations' and a sense of 'obligation.'

To sincerely and reliably carry out the things I 'had to do.'
It might not be an exaggeration to say that I believed that was my value as a person.

However, what awaited me at the end of that path was a leave of absence.

~Looking back~

I was diagnosed with depression about 11 years ago. At that time, I continued working while testing my limits without taking a leave.

For the first six years of that period, I was in a familiar workplace with familiar tasks, so although it was difficult, I take pride in the fact that I was able to properly handle my responsibilities.

That hard work was recognized, and I was transferred to a new business launch department.

It was a workplace where I could greatly utilize my knowledge and experience, even if I was unfamiliar with the specific tasks.
However, as luck would have it, it was the start of the COVID-19 pandemic.

My job duties changed, my supervisors and subordinates changed, and my working environment changed significantly.
Amidst that, the workload was intense. With full remote work, there was zero commute time. I could work from morning until night without any breaks.
On top of that, no one knew about the circumstances of me working at a cautious pace.

The realization that 'my abilities are needed' made me want to 'meet expectations' and do what I 'had to do.' There was not even a gap to take care of myself.

For me, while living with depression, this lifestyle only lasted for two years.

Spending my life after returning to work by writing 'what I want to do today' in my planner

I would end up living a life that prioritized what I 'had to do.'
I couldn't do the things I 'wanted to do,' which caused stress to build up. I would prioritize 'having to do' things over my own health.
I think my way of thinking was heavily biased.

I experienced two leaves of absence, and during those times, I attended a re-work program run by a medical institution.
While attending, I realized my habits of thinking, and during my leave, I developed a certain habit.

That was writing 'what I want to do today' in my planner.

I would note down what I 'had to do' on a task list.
Separately from that, I would write down 'what I want to do.'

That habit has continued even now that I have returned to work.
Since returning, I have started taking breaks during remote work. During my breaks, I occasionally look at my planner.
I realize, 'That's right, I wanted to do this.'

By prioritizing the things I wanted to do, I felt a sense of fulfillment.

The emergence of unexpected stress

My days after returning to work, where I was able to do what I wanted, were reasonably fulfilling.
I even thought to myself, 'Is it really this pleasant to be able to do what I want to do?'

However.

If I leave the things I 'have to do' unattended for too long, that starts to bother me.
Eventually, I started to feel stressed about myself for not doing the things I 'had to do.'

Is how I want to be being fulfilled?

While getting done the things I 'have to do,' I am also able to do the things I 'want to do.'
This should be the 'way I want to be' for me right now.

When I had just graduated from the return-to-work program, I was able to be conscious of the flexibility of my thinking, but before I knew it, I seemed to have started becoming biased.

Prioritize 'want to do' over 'have to do.'
Stubbornly trying to do this does not seem to be a good state for me.

I was able to realize that.
This itself must be proof of my growth.

I, who was driven to take a leave of absence by 'have to do,' have come full circle and am now getting done the things I think I 'have to do' again.
Surprisingly, there is a sense of accomplishment in that, too.

But I will wrap it up in moderation and also look at my notebook of 'things I want to do'.

The coexistence of the sense of accomplishment from getting done what I have to do and the fulfillment of being able to do what I want to do.
This leads to moving toward 'how I want to be' and my 'ideal self.'

This cycle seems to suit me right now.