Essay: 'A Change of Heart'
"My Dark Side" Series: 1
I once dated someone as cute as a hamster.
We were at an age where we were still "in love with the idea of love."
The confession came from them.
It was sudden and unexpected, so I was surprised, but I was happy.
However, that love, which bloomed in the spring, withered at the end of that year's autumn...
The words of parting also came from them, suddenly one day.
When I asked for the reason, they said, "I don't think I'm good enough for you."
While overcome with confusion, sadness, and anger, I replied, "Isn't that for me to decide?"
Then they said, "I'm sorry..." and looked down with a regretful expression.
It seemed their resolve was firm.
Realizing this, I said, "I understand. Thank you for everything until now," turned my back on them, and left the scene.
A faint "Thank you..." pierced my back like a thorn.
Until recently, I didn't understand the reason I was given for the breakup.
We never fought, I had acted with the best intentions for them at the time, and my appearance, hobbies, intelligence, and manners shouldn't have been bad.
Then why?
It was just too incomprehensible...
What does "not good enough" mean?
What on earth about me was cornering them?
However, the other day, while I was sitting in a chair drinking cold lemonade and staring blankly at the sky, a memory of a conversation that might have been the cause of the breakup suddenly surfaced in my mind without any warning.
A memory of a conversation that might have been the cause of the breakup Part 1
A memory of the day we went hiking together at the beginning of summer. It was when we had gotten off the train and were waiting for the bus to take us to our destination mountain.
A flower field was spreading out nearby...
・Hamster (Them): Oh, look! Butterflies! They look like they're flying together happily.
・Cat (Me): (After observing the two butterflies for a moment) Ah, that's probably a "territorial dispute."
・Hamster: Huh?
・Cat: Watch, the one being chased will probably run away.
※A little later
・Hamster: Oh...
・Cat: See? It was a "territorial dispute" after all, right?
When I remembered that much, a water droplet slipped off the lemonade glass and wet the chest of my shirt, and I was called back from the past to the present.
I placed the glass on the side table and poured a refill from the pitcher into the glass, but I immediately returned to the past again.
A memory of a conversation that might have been the cause of the breakup Part 2
After arriving at the mountain, while walking on the forest road at the foot of the mountain, a bush warbler sang...
Hamster: (Whistling to imitate the bush warbler) "Ho-ho-kekyo" Bush warbler: Ho-ho-kekyo
Hamster: (Whistling to imitate the bush warbler) "Ho-ho-kekyo"
Bush warbler: Ho-ho-kekyo
Hamster: (Smiling) Wow! It's answering me!!! I wonder what it's saying! (Happy)
Cat: Hmm... that's "asserting its territory." It's just the breeding season now. I don't know exactly what it's saying, but it's probably something like, "This is my territory, so get out."
Hamster: O-oh, I see...
Cat: Yeah
Suddenly feeling thirsty and pulled back to reality, I reached for the glass to drink the lemonade, but there were many water droplets on the glass, and some of them were flowing down onto the plate. So, after carefully wiping the droplets with a cloth, I took a sip of the lemonade. Then, I realized something.
The memories of the conversations from that day, which should have been fun, all ended with my knowledge regarding "territory," and I felt that there was almost no consideration or empathy from the cat toward the hamster, nor any romantic mood between lovers. Or rather, I even felt an atmosphere as if the cat was dissing the hamster.
When I took another sip of the lemonade, the sweet and sour taste and aroma spread through my mouth and nostrils, and as if invited by them, I headed back to the past again.
A memory of a conversation that might have been the cause of the breakup Part 3
Walking on the mountain path, we arrived at a point where we could see the sky a little, and took a break. While we were both drinking our beverages...
Hamster: The sky and clouds feel so summery, it's nice~
Cat: (Looking at the sky a little) Oh! Isn't that a cumulonimbus cloud!? I mean, clouds are coming out...
Hamster: Huh?
Cat: Did you bring rain gear?
Hamster: No, the weather forecast said the weather would be good, so I might not have brought any...
Cat: Where did you see the weather forecast?
Hamster: On the TV news.
Cat: That's the weather forecast for the flatlands...
Hamster: Huh?
Cat: Hmm, let's go back.
Hamster: Huh?
Cat: Let's go home.
Hamster: Eehhh? Really?
Cat: Yeah. I'm scared of cumulonimbus clouds. And we only have one set of rain gear.
※I feel like we talked about something else, but I have no memory of it.
Hamster: I'm kind of sorry...
Cat: Don't worry about it, it's just that I'm a scaredy-cat, I haven't been to the mountains much, so I'm scared... I'd hate for something to happen...
After that, while waiting for the bus home, the weather in the mountain area deteriorated.
I remember us both saying, "It was the right decision to go back."
Also, I remember saying one unnecessary thing...
Cat: From now on, when you go to the mountains or something, you shouldn't dress like you're going to the "local convenience store."
Hamster: Sorry... I'll be careful...
When I traced my memory that far, the lemonade in the glass hit the bottom.
At that time, I was happy to be able to go to the mountain with the hamster, so from the day the plans were made, I learned about the mountain, borrowed a trekking backpack from my parents, and prepared my equipment perfectly. I think the total weight was probably over 10 kilograms.
But perhaps I was a bit "too heavy" for him.
Now that I think about it, I feel like the relationship between us started to look ominous around the time of that hike.
"I don't think I'm good enough for you"
What kind of creature was I in their eyes...
As for myself, I had this ⇩ image in mind, but...
But in the other person's image, maybe it felt like this ⇩...
How the hamster saw me is an eternal mystery.
What is certain, however, is that a version of me I didn't know existed within the hamster.
Surely, there are as many versions of me as there are people I have met.
Even if I live to be 100, I can only experience each season 100 times.
That is why memories with people who shared that precious time are important treasures.
If I could say one thing to the hamster now, what would I say...
That thought suddenly crossed my mind.
What came to mind was a surprisingly ordinary phrase
Sorry about that time (and thank you)
A new theory on butterfly territorial disputes
I hadn't thought of this idea. I want to read it!