My relationship with my childhood friends. Should I end it? Or not?

I haven't been able to write on note for a while.

Even though I have so much I want to write down, and it's not like I don't have the time, there were days when I hesitated even to open note.

Since I started note to find myself and build my own core, I should record things honestly.

This is a record to acknowledge that the still immature and pathetic version of me is also me.

That said, I think I have finally been freed from the problem that was weighing me down.

Not from the issue of Pii's school refusal, but from the problem within myself that I couldn't quite shake off.

The relationship with my two childhood friends that I've written about on note several times.

A relationship that I had complicated in my own mind, triggered by Pii's school refusal.

Though they are different types, both of my childhood friends are incredibly capable.

They finish what they need to do, are competitive, hardworking, and love cleanliness.

When it comes to raising children, they can feel a bit strict, but they don't hesitate to spare no effort in supporting them, even if it means sacrificing their own time.

On the other hand, compared to them, I am sloppy and careless.

For a long time, I didn't mind how things turned out as long as everyone around me was happy, and I often left all the decision-making to those two capable friends.

I have always lacked confidence in raising my child, and there were many times when I was seen as being too lenient.

I wasn't satisfied with myself like that, and before I knew it, I had become a mother who controlled Pii, stayed one step ahead, and monitored her so she wouldn't turn out like me.

Some time after Pii's school refusal began, and after I had gone through various learnings to change myself, these were the words said to me when I expressed my desire to 'accept Pii as she is and watch over her.'

'If you keep coddling her forever, nothing will change.'

Ah, I've been trying my best as a mother in my own way... is even that considered coddling...?

Those were the words that convinced me that my feelings would never reach them, that they wouldn't understand, and that we couldn't share this experience.

I couldn't shake the feeling that, because they have known me for so long, they believe Pii's school refusal is due to my 'coddling' and Pii's 'spoiled nature'.

Since we had always shared everything, I began to feel that there was no point in talking about myself every time we met.

I was tired of putting on a fake smile, even when I really wanted to cry and have someone listen to me.

There were times when I even found it annoying to hear news about their children studying abroad, winning contests, or growing up so impressively.

Even though I knew these were the results of their children's own efforts, I had to keep the fact that Pii's efforts were on a different dimension locked away in my heart.

I felt the meaninglessness of this relationship, where I had to lie about my feelings and pretend that I was fine.

But if I were to tell them everything I felt, our relationship as it had been until now would be completely over.

Do I want to end it, or do I not want to end it? I had been going back and forth between these two states for a long time.

That was because there were two people who were desperately trying to hold onto me, even as I tried to distance myself.

They couldn't save Pii, but they wanted to save me. They kept planning trips and outings, reaching out to me so that we could spend at least a little bit of fun time together.

While I was grateful for their kindness, I felt that I had to keep the thought that 'it's painful because you two are here' locked away forever.

The other day, we left our children behind and went on a trip, the three of us.

I worried about whether I should go, but somewhere inside, I had made up my mind.

While we were eating dinner at the inn, the childhood friend who had called it 'spoiled' back then started to say that she had felt a distance in our hearts ever since she said those words.

Her sister's child had also stopped going to school in the second year of junior high, and seeing her sister suffer up close, she seemed to regret not being able to empathize with my feelings.

'Honestly, it's an experience you can never understand unless you go through it yourself, so it's not your fault that you didn't get it. But this is my own problem, so please don't worry about it so much.'

I couldn't quite find the resolve I thought I had brought with me, and I couldn't force my true feelings out.

No, nothing will change if I stay like this. I told myself that over and over in my heart, and finally decided to speak up.

Since Pii's situation began, there hasn't been a single thing about parenting that I could empathize with them on, nor have they been able to empathize with me. That has been painful for a long time. Even though I love their children, I couldn't erase the part of myself that inevitably compares them to Pii. Since I couldn't do anything about it, I had no choice but to distance myself so I wouldn't have to hear or see it. I was happy and grateful that they cared and worried about me, but our worlds were too different, and in reality, just being with them was often more painful than anything else. I know that wanting them to understand and be on my side is just me being spoiled. That's why the only way I can protect myself is by giving up on their presence.

At this point, you can just leave a troublesome person like me alone.

With that thought in mind, I poured everything out.

There was something I had been wondering about for a long time.

I rarely felt pessimistic by comparing Pii to children other than my two kids.

I never listened to stories about the children of friends I met as an adult, or my only mom-friend, while projecting my own problems onto them or feeling envious, nor did I ever feel like I didn't want to hear them.

However, I had never been able to do that with my two childhood friends.

I saw the problem within myself.

I realized that I had been comparing myself to the two of them, and that I had a complex, thinking, 'I can never be like them.'

As I grew up, I had come to feel that it was okay to be myself through many encounters and experiences, but Pii's school refusal caused that foundation to waver.

Because they were raised by two capable people, their children are growing up capable too.

'Because they were raised by a person who is dependent and spoiled, that's why this happened.'

Even though no one had said that to me, just because they were two people who had known me for a long time, I had assumed that they were thinking that about me.

I had always wanted them to acknowledge me.

I'm different from you two, but I'm facing things properly in my own way, and I'm doing my best as a mother.

I wanted them to know that. I wanted them to understand.

It was the same feeling I had toward my mother...

As I poured out all my feelings to them, I felt my mind and heart becoming clearly organized.

They said they had vaguely sensed that I felt that way, and had been thinking about how they should be.

The words I let out turned into certainty, but they told me that their feelings for me would not change in the future.

We talked a lot as the three of us, and learned that each of us felt we 'could never be the other person' in relation to one another.

'I could never be you, who treats everyone equally and is liked by everyone.'

'I could never be you, who takes the things you want to do and actually puts them into action to make them a reality.'

When the two of them said that to me, my true self suddenly became clear.

I felt like my relationship with them had changed a little since I became a mother and had children.

But when I was with the two of them, it didn't matter what kind of mother I was being.

I just need to be myself.

The relationship changes.

If you ask what changed, it was simply that my feelings became clear.

Then I felt an incredible sense of liberation.

By recording my daily life as it is on note and exposing my true self, I have continued to accept who I am.

It wasn't just that I was satisfied, though.

Since returning from that trip, I'm in a state that is closer to being an empty shell—is this what you call a sense of liberation?

It was such a big event for me that I felt I couldn't just pretend it didn't happen and continue my records.

My interactions with the two of them are continuing as if nothing happened.

However, my heart feels clear and light.

To the version of myself that has been moping around for so long: you're tired, good job.