Episode 31: A Place I Can Return to When I'm Lost

This week, so many things happened all at once.

It was decided that I would draw cat illustrations for a cat cafe, and it was also decided that I would give a lecture as a guest speaker at a junior college in Kagawa.
A newspaper company contacted me after seeing an article on a website, and the interview process moved forward.
My solo exhibition was confirmed, and when I went to a New Year's party, I connected with new people again.

When written down, these are all events that seem to be going "smoothly."

Even though these are things I am so happy and incredulous about that I cannot thank everyone enough,
my thinking is completely at a standstill.
My heart and my mind are not keeping up at all.

Every morning and evening, whenever I meet the cats outside, I end up stopping in my tracks.
Wondering, "What am I working so hard for?"

A year and a half ago, when I couldn't move due to illness,
I couldn't have imagined a future like this even by a millimeter.
Because I had seriously given up on life once, in a way that felt almost refreshing.

It wouldn't be strange if I woke up tomorrow and all of this current momentum had disappeared,
that feeling still remains somewhere inside me.

I don't want to become famous in the world as an AI creator.
AI art is just one of the means I am choosing right now for the sake of the cats.

I have neither the skill nor the talent.
Every time I am praised, the feeling of "I'm sorry it's so crude" comes first.

It's not so much that I don't want to be conceited, but that I truly have no confidence from the bottom of my heart.

However, I have loved drawing since I was a child.
So, thanks to AI, I was able to regain that feeling,
and it is fun to draw and animate pictures as I like.

But that is because there is no responsibility involved.
If asked if I am truly enjoying it now, honestly, I don't know.

Even so, if I were asked,
"Then what are you doing this for?"
I can answer that without hesitation.

For the cats.

I just want to protect my own cats and the cats living outside.
And yet, am I properly cherishing the cat right in front of me,
who comes to eat even in the cold today?

My younger sister in Tokyo often calls me saying, "I'm worried about Mom."
At that time, I got angry and said,
"Don't say you're worried just for your own self-satisfaction. Don't try to show off your concern.
Just saying it doesn't accomplish anything.
If you're really worried, then think about what you should do."
And she got angry back at me.

Am I not the same as my sister?

Because I couldn't move due to illness, I desperately thought about what I could do as I was.
The idea of making donations that would lead to saving cats' lives through AI art
also came from that.

But now I can move.
That is precisely why the question, "Am I really saving the cats with this?"
does not disappear.

Even now, as I stand still and think,
the cats in front of me are desperately trying to survive in the cold.

Is the path I am currently on wrong?


It's just that too many things are happening at once,
but my core has not wavered even once from the beginning.

My gaze is always directed downward.
I am looking at the cats in front of me.

"Can I really save the cats with this?"
This isn't a reason to stop.
It's a question to confirm the direction I'm heading.

And the answer doesn't have to be "YES" right away.

Am I cherishing the relationship with the cats right in front of me now?

That is my standard for judgment.

I've found something just as important as my feelings for the cats.
The new world the cats gave me, and
everyone I met there.
AI art.

The fact that I'm lost means I've become able to move forward.

When I couldn't choose anything, I couldn't even get lost.
Now, I can choose.
That's why I'm lost about where to go.

I don't know yet if it's right or wrong.
But I want to at least have a place
I can return to when I'm lost.

My feelings for the cats.

As long as I don't lose that place,
I'm sure I won't stray too far from the path.

That is what I believe for now.

My heart moves. Beyond that.