The More You Look for Common Ground, the More Boring Conversation Becomes
Hello, I am Hayao Suzuki.
"To liven up a conversation, you should find common ground."
I had always thought so.
The same movies, the same hometown, the same hobbies. As long as there is common ground, the conversation should naturally flow.
That is why, when meeting someone for the first time, I would desperately search for "points of overlap."
However, because I held that belief, my conversations always stalled in the same place.
"I love that movie."
"Oh, I love it too."
"It's great, isn't it?"
"It really is."
......And then, it goes nowhere.
A conversation that only confirms what both parties already know may seem lively, but in reality, it is not progressing anywhere.
The moment you find common ground, you certainly feel happy.
But that becomes the finish line, and the conversation abruptly cuts off.
I used to think that was because I lacked conversational skills.
I thought I needed more common ground, more overlap.
But perhaps the cause was the opposite.
The moment people most want to talk
When I think about it, when is it that I feel most comfortable talking?
It is when I am telling someone who doesn't know about something I know, and they listen with genuine interest.
"Oh, really?"
"What do you mean by that?"
When someone leans in like that, I can talk forever.
In other words, finding common ground and responding with "I know that" was robbing the other person of that sense of comfort.
The moment the other person tries to speak, I cut in with "Oh, I know that."
What I was doing with good intentions was actually hijacking the other person's turn to speak.
No wonder the conversation would stop.
Good conversationalists are good at "pretending not to know"
Since realizing that, I have observed people who are good at conversation.
Even when they know something, they encourage the other person by asking, "What do you mean by that?"
Even if they know a little bit, they intentionally take the side of not knowing.
They are constantly creating an atmosphere where the other person feels they "want to talk more."
In the past, I just wanted to quickly find common ground and feel relieved by saying, "We have so much in common." In short, I just wanted to feel secure myself.
I think making the other person the protagonist means giving up the seat of the "one who knows" to them for a moment.
Today's notes
・Even if you find common ground, don't immediately say, "I know that." Leave room for the other person to talk.
・Conversations stop not because of a lack of conversational skills, but because they end with just "confirming things with each other."
・People who can ask, "What do you mean by that?" even when they already know are ultimately the most liked.
・At the root of rushing to find common ground might be an impatience to "feel secure quickly." If you seek security first, you end up stealing the other person's turn.
Thank you for reading until the end today as well.
Hayao Suzuki