Parenting Strategy Log #6 | If you 'debug' before getting angry, the number of times you scold will decrease.
"Why won't you listen to me?"
The moment you think that,
a parent's HP is depleted all at once.
I, too, have many times
"Enough is enough!"
unleashed my ultimate move of anger.
But, since I started adopting a certain mindset, things have changed little by little.
That is,
the mindset of "debugging."
Last time, I talked about distributing experience points the moment a child "tries to do something."
"You did it."
Instead of that,
"You tried to do it."
Apply a buff at that very moment.
Even just noticing a child's small step and saying something can create change little by little.
But, even so,
in parenting, you can't just praise them every single day.
They won't get in the bath.
They won't turn off the TV.
They cry, "I still want to play!"
A battle between siblings begins.
In such situations, a parent's HP is drained all at once.
And before I know it,
"Enough is enough!"
I end up unleashing my ultimate move of anger.
Today, I'd like to talk about
the concept of "debugging"
that I've started using
to take a breath before getting angry.
I will share this with you.
It caused a bug in our home when I said, "It's almost bath time."
It was around 8:00 PM, after dinner.
My 4-year-old eldest daughter was absorbed in the TV.
It was almost time for a bath.
I said,
"It's almost bath time,"
and turned off the TV.
Then,
"No! I'm still watching!"
"Daddy, that's unfair! I'm not listening to you anymore!"
My eldest daughter's counterattack has begun.
Right next to her,
my two-year-old second daughter is even copying her big sister,
"Bath, no!"
she says.
One says "No!"
Seeing that, the other one says "No!" too.
The living room, which was normal just a moment ago, has suddenly become a chaotic mess.
My HP is also being whittled down to a very dangerous level.
"That's enough!"
Those words were right on the tip of my tongue.
"Why can't they understand what I'm saying?"
When I'm in situations like this, I think to myself.
"Why don't they understand what I'm telling them?"
"Why does it have to be like this every single time?"
Seven years as a childcare worker.
Nine years as a child development support manager.
For 16 years, I have been involved in supporting children's development.
At work, when a child cries, gets angry, or becomes unable to move,
"What happened?"
"What happened before that?"
You can think about that.
But when it came to my own home, it was a different story.
"Go take a bath already!"
"Why won't you get in!"
I only look at the 'behavior' right in front of me.
And when things don't go well,
"Is the way I'm communicating bad?"
"Is this child being selfish?"
I end up blaming both myself and my child.
I can do it at work.
Why do I lose my composure so much at home?
I have felt that way many times.
"That bug might not be the character's fault."
If you were playing a game,
and it froze in the same place over and over again,
what would you do?
Would you smash the controller,
"Why won't you move!"
and blame the character?
Surely, before that,
"What is the cause?"
you would think.
Where did it stop?
What did you do right before that?
What can you change to make it work?
You look for the cause there and fix it.
This is,
"debugging"
.
I decided to try using this way of thinking in parenting as well.
My child,
"I don't want to take a bath"
said.
Instead of just looking at that behavior,
"What happened before that?"
I try to think.
Instead of fixing the child,
I look for the cause of the error.
That is what 'debugging' means to me in parenting.
Don't just look at the bug of 'getting angry'
In the field of developmental support,
we don't just look at the child's behavior,
but also look at what happened before and after it.
One way of thinking about this is
ABC analysis
.
Simply put,
A = Antecedent (trigger)
B = Behavior at that time
C = Consequence (what happened after)
is the way of looking at it.
In the case of the bath time this time,
A: I told them 'It's almost time for a bath' while they were watching TV, and turned off the TV
↓
B: 'No! I'm still watching!' 'Dad, that's unfair!'
↓
C: The parent is troubled. Furthermore, the second daughter copies them and says 'Bath, no!'
is the flow.
What is important here is
It is not about looking only at
'B = got angry',
and scolding them by saying,
'Don't get angry!'
It is about looking at what comes before that,
A = what was the trigger?
.
In my case,
'The end came suddenly while watching TV'
might have been one of the triggers that caused the error.
From my perspective,
'It's almost bath time, so let's finish watching TV'
is just a normal thing to say.
But from my daughter's perspective,
'I'm being made to stop doing the thing I enjoy most right now'
might have been what that event was.
Like having the power cord suddenly pulled out
while playing a game.
It might have been close to that feeling.
When you think about it that way,
"I want to keep watching!"
I felt like I could understand that feeling a little bit.
Before trying to change the child, I tried changing the "stage"
So, I thought,
"Let's not try to change the child"
but instead,
"Let's try changing the trigger"
is what I considered.
Instead of suddenly saying,
"Turn off the TV!"
I say,
"It's bath time in 3 minutes."
And this time,
I used an Amazon Echo Dot.
I have it count down 3 minutes
using Alexa's voice and digital display.
This was a major point for me.
Until now,
I would say,
"It's 3 minutes left"
That's what I say.
"Two more minutes."
That's also what I say.
"It's over now."
That's also what I say.
Inevitably,
"Dad is trying to make me stop watching TV."
That's the dynamic that forms.
But it's different when I have Alexa do the countdown.
It's not Dad,
but some other entity,
"Three minutes left"
"Two minutes left"
that objectively tracks the passing time.
And when the timer goes off,
my eldest daughter,
"Oh, it went off."
said, and while looking a bit disappointed,
she turned off the TV herself.
Of course, it doesn't work every single time.
Even if you use a timer,
"I still want to watch!"
there are days when it turns out like that.
But here, my own perspective changed.
In the past,
"Why won't you listen to me!"
is what I would have said, but now,
"What is causing the error today?"
is how I've come to think about it.
Before trying to change the child,
try changing the environment.
Just by doing that, the interaction between parent and child can change a little.
"Changing the environment" is also a form of developmental support.
In developmental support,
we don't just think about having the child do all the work.
We also value adjusting the environment,
so that the child can easily demonstrate their abilities.
This is a concept I value in the field,
the "ecological approach"
.
Take jumping rope, for example.
For a child who struggles with jumping,
it's not just about saying,
"Jump higher!" over and over.
You jump on a trampoline.
You change how you hold the rope.
You change the location.
By adjusting the environment,
you create a situation where the child can easily succeed.
This time is the same.
Instead of just saying,
"Turn off the TV!" and expecting the child to try hard to switch tasks,
it's not just that,
but trying to change the environment itself by,
"making it clear when it will end,"
"making the remaining time visible,"
or "having someone other than Dad tell them the time."
In gaming terms,
it's not just about leveling up the character's abilities,
but changing the design of the stage.
Before trying to change your child,
try changing the stage.
I think this is also a form of debugging.
Parenting is not a game of eliminating bugs.
Even though I've written this much,
it is impossible to completely eliminate "bugs" from parenting.
They are sleepy.
They are hungry.
They are tired.
They don't want to stop playing.
The parents are also tired.
Siblings are fighting over something.
In such daily life,
it is impossible to respond perfectly.
That is why I,
instead of aiming to be a parent who never gets angry,
am aiming to be a parent who can have one alternative perspective before getting angry.
am aiming to be a parent who can have one alternative perspective before getting angry.
am aiming for that.
When a bug occurs,
"Who is to blame?"
instead of,
"What happened?"
think about that.
Even just doing that,
the time spent blaming your child will decrease a little.
And,
the time spent blaming yourself as a parent, too.
🎮 Today's Strategy Command
"Look one step back before scolding"
When your child does something troublesome.
Immediately,
"Stop that!"
"Why can't you do it!"
before saying,
try thinking just once.
"What happened right before that behavior?"
Did you try to turn off the TV suddenly?
Did the schedule change suddenly?
Were they tired?
Were they hungry?
Or,
Was your own HP already in the red?
Once you know the cause,
even without changing the child,
you can change how you clear the stage.
When you feel like you're about to get angry,
debug first.
That is a small strategy command I use at home.
If today,
you had an experience where you were about to say,
'Why won't you listen to me!'
please take a moment to look back at what happened before that.
Next time preview
Even if you debug,
and understand the cause,
there are times when you absolutely must tell your child,
'what you want them to do.'
Like 'Clean up.'
I will talk about how to convey that.
"Get changed."
"Brush your teeth."
"Let's take a bath."
But,
no matter how many times I say the same thing, they won't move.
At times like that,
"How can I communicate so that it's easier for the child to act?"
that problem arises.
Next time,
"How to convey commands to boost the probability of them being followed"
is what I will talk about.
Not "orders" to make a child move,
but "ways of communicating" that make it easier for a child to move.
Let's think about the next strategy together.
📚 Recommended reading order
① Parenting Strategy Log #1
Even with 16 years as a childcare worker, I was a dad who yelled at home.
↓
② Parenting Strategy Log #2
Once I adopted a gaming perspective, the number of times I yelled decreased.
↓
③ Parenting Strategy Log #3
Trying to "change the child" makes parenting an impossible game.
↓
④ Parenting Strategy Log #4
The story of how my child started changing on their own once I 'gave up' on trying to change them.
↓
⑤ Parenting Strategy Log #5
Award experience points for 'trying to do it' rather than 'having done it'.
↓
⑥ The latest strategy log is also updated every day at 10:00 PM.