I'm fine when I'm with others, but I fall apart when I'm alone. About those nights when I can't quite handle the loneliness.
I ordered just one drink at Snack Yuki today, too.
I chose Glenmorangie 10 Years Old today.
It's floral and easy to drink.
But when I drink it alone,
it feels a little bittersweet.
I think that's the kind of drink it is.
After work,
a night walking home alone.
I was smiling during the day.
In meetings,
and in conversations with colleagues,
I was doing just fine.
Yet,
the moment I unlock my front door,
something changes.
When I'm alone,
a different version of me is waiting.
People tell me I'm cheerful.
I'm often the one people come to for advice.
Yet,
the moment I'm alone,
negative thoughts won't stop.
The me during the day,
and the me alone at night,
are completely different.
I've never told anyone
about that gap.
I couldn't tell them.
A cheerful person
falling apart when alone.
There was no place
where I could say such a thing.
Anxiety comes.
About the future.
About money.
About work.
I know it's just worrying over nothing.
I know there's no point in thinking about it.
But
I can't stop it.
I have nights like that, too.
Nights where the more I try to stop thinking,
the more I think.
Even while eating,
or when I get into bed,
my mind won't go quiet.
Loneliness was fueling my anxiety.
The time I spend alone
is the hardest.
Even though I'm fine when I'm with others.
Even though I can laugh when I'm talking to someone.
The longer I spend alone,
the bigger the anxiety grows.
The night I realized that,
I felt a little scared.
I tell myself,
I don't have to try to solve everything.
During the time I'm alone,
I send a short message to someone.
It doesn't need to be for a reason.
Just a "How are you?" is fine.
If loneliness fuels anxiety,
then I just need to reduce the loneliness a little.
I take a warm bath.
I play my favorite music.
I drink something warm.
I don't have to try to erase the anxiety.
I just put something else into my brain.
Just by doing that,
my attention shifts
a little bit away from the anxiety.
Finally,
I try saying just one word out loud:
"I'm okay."
No one needs to be listening.
It's enough to just say it to myself.
It's like a little spell,
but I feel like just putting it into words
changes things a little.
Starting tonight,
I'll try just one thing.
Maybe that alone will make a small difference.
Maybe, anyway.
I took another sip of the Glenmorangie.
It's floral and easy to drink.
But when I drink it alone,
it feels a little bittersweet.
I felt like the me from the day
and the me from the night
were both in the same glass.
The glass is empty.
That's enough for today.
Thank you for reading.
If you thought, "I understand," I'd be happy if you gave it a like.
Please come and sit next to me at the counter again.