For whom do I live, a night in my 40s

I ordered just one drink at Snack Yuki again today.
Today, I chose Old Parr 12 Year Old.

There is a flavor that only emerges
after long aging.

There are things you cannot understand
without taking the time.

I think it's that kind of liquor.

On the train home from work,
I was staring blankly out the window.

Today, too,
I spent the day acting for someone else's sake.

For my subordinates.
For my boss.
For my family.

Suddenly,
I couldn't remember how many hours
I had spent acting for my own sake.

Now that I'm in my 40s,
my roles have increased.

Managing subordinates.
Responsibility for numbers.
Project management.

But,
the final decisions
are always held by those above.

The responsibility is heavy,
but there is no freedom.

I constantly feel
squeezed from both above and below.

The positions above are blocked,
and young people are coming up from below.

I feel like I can't see a future even if I stay at this company.

But what would happen if I quit?

That question spins around in my head every night.

There have been times I wanted to quit.

"If you quit at that age, there's no next step for you,"
I was told.

I know.
I know,
and that's why I'm struggling.

I have nights like that, too.
It's not that I want to quit.
It's just that there are nights when I want to rest for a little while.

For my family.
For the mortgage.
For my children's education.

Before I knew it,

for reasons other than my own,
I had been wearing myself down all this time.

I've been carrying it all alone.

I thought
there was something wrong with me.

But,
it seems most people in their 40s and 50s
are in the same place.

When I thought that,
I felt
a little more relaxed.

I don't have to try to change everything,
I think.

Just one thing.

Just for tonight, I'll make time for myself,
not for someone else.

Eat something I like.
Play music I like.
Just drift away.

That's enough.

I don't have to try to get back
everything that was worn away.

Just for one hour tonight,
I'll give it back to myself.

Perhaps,
that alone will make a small difference.

Perhaps, anyway.

I took another sip of Old Parr.

There is a flavor that only emerges
after a long aging process.

There are things you cannot understand
unless you take the time.

Only after reaching my 40s,
have some things become clear.

I remembered my father a little.

My glass is empty.
That is all for today.

Thank you for reading.
If you felt like you could relate,
I would be happy if you pressed the like button.

Please come and sit next to me at the counter again.