[Oshi-katsu] Since I met you, the second summer has arrived

It was also summer when I first started to become interested in you that day.
I was captivated by a match I happened to see, and I started to take an interest.
That was also around the time I started going to the practice field on the mountain.

During the fan service after practice—at first, I couldn't even look you in the eye while talking.
"Please let me take a photo," "Thank you very much."
That was all I could say.
When you saw the snacks I brought as a gift, you even joked, "Is this cash?"
"If it were cash, I wouldn't put it in a Muji bag."
I actually said that, didn't I?
My heart was pounding so hard at that moment.
I thought my voice might even be trembling.
And I had been waiting, heart pounding, long before you even came in front of me.

After that, I joined the online fan club.
I started talking to you during the monthly online meet-and-greet.
While receiving fan service at the practice field on the mountain.
I gradually became able to talk.

I've always been timid when it comes to romance, and my experience is low for my age. Perhaps I am what is commonly called a 'mojo' (a woman who has never had a boyfriend).
The things I experienced as a child became a trauma that casts a shadow over dating the opposite sex.
"You're fine on your own, aren't you?"
I've been told that before. It became a reality, to the point where I could create a world where I 'could live alone.'
That is nothing more than 'living without being loved by anyone.' Since there is no need to get married, I have no choice but to live in this world.

But then, I met you.
I became able to talk, and I was won over by the smile you always show.
Before I knew it, I had fallen in love.
I can't tell anyone else about these feelings. I might even take them to my grave.
If you find out, it's over. Because a feeling that must never be known by others has been born.

So I secretly care about you.
Online, during matches, and when watching practice.

I'm starting to think that what I'm feeling isn't understood by common sense.
It's no wonder people tell me not to overthink things.
I've fallen in love, so I don't know what to do.

At the same time as I realized my growing feelings of 'love,' I became able to talk properly.
It might be because of the repeated encounters, but I wanted to learn to talk better. Even if I'm not good at it, I wanted to be able to talk properly in my own way.

The emotion I started to feel is 'love,' but in reality, it is something that 'cannot be fulfilled.'
Since you were already married when we met, there is no relationship other than 'fan and idol.'
No matter how serious my love becomes, the world won't change. This is reality.

Once I accepted that, it settled in my heart.
That in reality, all I can do is wish for your happiness—

Although it cannot be fulfilled as my own wish, can't I at least wish and pray for the happiness of the person I love?
When I thought that, I felt much better.
I think that feelings that run wild and are 'forgiven' because 'I love you' are for young people's romances. Like all the people who are seriously in love in various worlds.
But I can't do that, so I just pray for the happiness of the person I love. For the person you chose, and for everything.

Because I know it won't come true, I can only pray with all my might.
Because it is what the person I love chose, I can only wish for everything.

I will live my life thinking that way.

P.S.: Reading this text really made me think, so I'm sharing it.