It was me who was blaming myself

I looked at my smartphone again.

Even though I had just looked at it a moment ago. There were no notifications on the lock screen, and of course, no LINE message from him.

I try to put it down, but I can't.

I wonder when things changed.

Not long ago, it wasn't like this. Getting a reply was natural, and exchanging messages was just a normal part of my day.

That suddenly disappeared.

It's not so much that the replies stopped, but rather that the atmosphere changed somehow.

The message length decreased. It ends with just a sticker. Even though it's marked as read, there are no words.

I want to think, "It's just my imagination."

But I somehow know it's not my imagination.

Still, there's no way to confirm it, I'm afraid it would seem heavy if I asked, and it's a bit painful to pretend like nothing happened.

Unable to choose any of those options, the night just grows deeper.

On nights like this, my head gets noisy.

"Did I do something?" "Was my last LINE message weird?" "Maybe our energy didn't match when we met." "Did he even like me in the first place?"

Once I start thinking, I can't stop, and even though I can't stop, I can't find an answer, and even though I can't find an answer, I look at my smartphone again.

I am repeating that loop again tonight.

I find myself searching for a reason for that coldness.

The reason this is hard to write is because there isn't just one reason.

The answer that hurts the most is that he "lost interest," but sometimes, it's not just that.

For example, when your mind is full of work or life matters. When people run out of breathing room, the ability to reach out is often the first thing to go. It's not about whether that's right or unavoidable, but there are people who show their lack of capacity in that way.

It's not that they have malicious intent, and it's not that their feelings have cooled; it's just that, right now, they don't have the space within them to engage in an exchange.

Things like that happen.

On the other hand, there are cases where their feelings have simply settled down. It might be a change where the tension from before you started dating has faded, and the relationship has become more level.

Or, to be more honest, it could also be that their feelings are gradually changing.

From the outside, it's impossible to tell which one it is.

If you ask, "Have you been busy lately?" they might tell you. But if you could ask that, you wouldn't have been struggling in the first place.

All that is clear is that you are very anxious right now, and there is a valid reason for that anxiety.

Nights when you feel like sending a follow-up message

You tried to send one, then stopped. But then you tried to send one again.

"Are you okay?" "How have you been lately?" "Are you busy?"

You just want a reply, anything at all, but you're even more afraid of them just reading it without responding, so you can't send it, but you want to.

That kind of distress is, I think, incredibly exhausting.

I have no intention of blaming you for sending follow-up messages.

You were just so anxious that you felt like you had to send them—that's all there is to it.

However, you might remember that feeling: even if you do get a reply, it doesn't necessarily bring you peace of mind.

Instead of thinking, "Oh, thank goodness," you think, "But it's short," "But they sound cold," or "What if they stop replying again?" The anxiety just changes shape; it doesn't disappear.

That's not because you are weak, but because LINE as a medium is not suited for resolving this kind of anxiety.

Anxiety cannot be filled by a reply. That is why there are nights when you still feel pained even after receiving a response.

A conversation about wanting to stop blaming yourself

I chose the title "I want to stop blaming myself" for this article because I believe the hardest part of nights like these is the constant self-blame.

"If only I hadn't done that," "If I could have done better," "Did I come across as too intense?" "Did I make them feel uncomfortable?"

When you are alone at night, these voices grow louder.

But I want you to think about this for a moment: even if the reason the other person became distant was because of you, that does not mean "it was my fault".

People's feelings change. Sometimes, people just drift apart. That doesn't necessarily mean you did something wrong.

And above all else.

You were not the one who chose to send a cold reply.

How many hours have you spent unable to put your phone down tonight?

While waiting for a reply, are you wearing yourself thin? Are you unable to tell anyone, "Why is it always me?"

Rather than worrying about what the other person is thinking, I want you to cherish yourself a little more tonight.

That is not the same as giving up on them.

It just means that while you wait for a reply, you can stop treating yourself poorly, at least for tonight.

On nights like these, you don't have to force yourself to find an answer.

Instead of blaming yourself for not being able to put your phone away, it is enough to just acknowledge, "I must have been feeling that anxious."

I hope that even on nights when you can't find an answer, the time you spend without blaming yourself will gradually increase.

The reason you are anxious is because you truly care about that person.

I think that is a very valid feeling.

So, you don't need to be ashamed of your anxiety. I just don't want you to turn all of that anxiety into self-blame.

At least for tonight, I want you to be on your own side.

#Love #MalePsychology #Anxiety #NightThoughts #SelfEsteem #LINE