On nights when there's no reply on LINE, I find myself searching for reasons why I might be disliked

On nights when there's no reply on LINE, I find myself rereading only the messages I sent.

I start searching for reasons why I might be disliked, beating the other person to the punch.

This is a story about those kinds of nights.

*

Even though the other person hasn't said a word, I've started a self-reflection meeting all on my own.
And a pretty serious one at that.

At night, I open LINE for no reason, and before I know it, I'm staring intently only at the messages I sent.
Not the other person's messages. Just mine.

The blue bubbles lined up on the right side of the screen.
I didn't feel anything when I sent them during the day, but in the quiet light of the night, they look... somehow different.

Is this too heavy?

The first sentence was fine. Probably.
But the next one feels a bit too long now.

Maybe my use of emojis was a bit over the top, too.
I thought the tone was right when I sent them, but looking at them now, I feel like, 'Was I the only one trying too hard?'

Once I start wondering where I went wrong, I can't stop.

Which sentence was unnecessary?
Maybe I shouldn't have added that 'lol' at the end.
No, wait, would it have looked cold if I hadn't?

Either way, I don't know the right answer.

*

I scroll back to earlier conversations.
Two days ago. A week ago.

I'm not following the other person's comments, but only my own.
As if highlighting them with a marker, only my words stand out on the screen.

I realize this is a reflection meeting.
And one without the other person present, at that.

Even though no one has said anything to me, I am interrogating myself.

'What was the intention behind that comment?'
'Why did you use an emoji there?'
'Was that reply really necessary?'

Even though there's no one there to provide an answer, I'm the only one standing in the defendant's seat.

*

The other person's silence says nothing. It's just that there is no reply.
That's all it is, yet I am writing sentences into that void.

It's just that, yet I am writing sentences into that void.

"I think I was too intense."
"Maybe they were put off."
"I feel like that way of saying it made them lose interest."

These are all scripts I've written myself. The other person hasn't said anything yet.

Words I intended to send lightly suddenly look embarrassing when night falls.
It's not because of anything the other person did; it might just be that they look that way when placed in the silence of the night.

But even if I realize that in the middle of the night, it doesn't really mean much.

It's closer to the feeling of "I might have done something" rather than "I might be disliked."

If that were the case, I could apologize. If that were the case, I could fix it.
If I could just get an answer, this hanging feeling would end.

So I continue the interrogation. Going over my own words, once again.

But I can't check my answers unless the other person replies.

That was the most painful part.

*

In the end, that night passed without me knowing anything.

When morning came and I looked at that conversation again, I thought for a moment, "Why was I thinking about this so much last night?"
It's not that it all became ridiculous. But it didn't look as heavy as it did when I was looking at it in the middle of the night.

The me at night was probably holding a magnifying glass to my own words on my own.

It might just be that.
But it's typical of me to have such a long night over something like that.

Do you also have nights where you end up holding a self-reflection meeting all by yourself?

#Essay #LoveEssay #Love #LoveDiary #LINErelatable #WaitingForAReply #NightEssay #Monologue #Diary #ForWomen