What People Who Want to Overcome Anxious Attachment Should Stop Doing First

I want to overcome anxious attachment in relationships.

When people feel this way, many first try to aim for a "self that doesn't feel anxious."

I want to be okay even if the reply is slow.
I want to stop being swayed by the other person's attitude.
I want to be able to spend time calmly even when we can't meet.
I want to be someone who can truly believe in the person I like without doubting their feelings.

It is very natural to feel that way.

Because it is painful right now.

Even though I'm just in love, my heart is always busy.
When I like someone, they become the center of my life.
My mood changes with a single LINE notification, and my day feels heavy just because a reply doesn't come.

Tired of being that way, I think, "I want to change already."

But perhaps the first step to overcoming anxious attachment is not to force the anxiety away.

Rather, the first thing you want to stop is "trying to change while blaming yourself for feeling anxious."

When you try to change while blaming yourself, your heart becomes even more tense.

The moment you feel anxious, you corner yourself by thinking, "Here we go again," "I haven't changed at all," or "I won't be loved like this."

But what is truly necessary is not to make anxiety zero, but to not lose sight of yourself when you become anxious.

Overcoming anxious attachment is not about becoming a different person.

It is about gradually bringing your heart back to your own side.

The more you aim to be a "person who doesn't get anxious," the more painful it becomes

When trying to overcome anxious attachment, many people set a goal of "a self that no longer feels anxious." But if you like someone, there will be days when you feel anxious. What is important is not to become a person who never feels anxiety, but to not blame yourself too much when you do. In this chapter, we will gently rethink the starting point of overcoming this.

It is difficult to stay calm throughout a relationship

There probably aren't that many people who can stay calm throughout a relationship.

I'm happy when I get a message from the person I like.
I get a little concerned if the reply is slow.
I feel lonely if days go by without meeting.
If the other person's attitude is different than usual, I wonder, "Did something happen?"

That in itself is a very natural reaction.

The problem is not feeling a little anxious.

It is being completely swallowed by that anxiety after it arises.
It is letting a single reaction from your partner determine your own worth.
And above all, it is constantly blaming yourself for it.

People with anxious attachment are not just prone to anxiety;
they can also be very harsh toward themselves when they feel anxious.

“I’m overthinking again.”
“It’s annoying to get down over something like this.”
“If I were more laid-back, I’d be loved.”
“Things aren’t working out because I’m too much.”

In this way, the voice inside that blames you never stops.

But being shaken by love is not a weakness in itself.

You care because you value the other person.
You feel anxious because you don’t want to lose them.
You become sensitive to changes in your partner because you want to face them properly.

Of course, if that anxiety becomes too strong, it makes both you and your partner suffer.
But the more you treat anxiety itself as a “bad thing,” the more rigid your heart becomes.

I must not feel anxious.
I must not feel lonely.
I must not want to check on things.
I must not ask things of my partner.

If you keep forbidding your emotions like that, love stops being a place of comfort and becomes a place where you are constantly monitoring yourself.

It is okay to have days when you cannot stay calm.

I think that is a good place to start.

The more you try to erase anxiety, the more you focus on it

The more you think, “I must not get anxious,” the more you end up worrying about it.

I won’t worry about replies today.
I won’t look at my phone.
I won’t overanalyze my partner’s attitude.
I won’t get anxious.

Even though you decided that, you end up being conscious of your anxiety the whole time.

Even though you are trying not to look at your phone, you are thinking about notifications the entire time.
You are just “pretending not to care,” while actually caring a great deal.
The more you try not to think about your partner, the more you end up thinking about them.

This is not because your willpower is weak.

When you try to erase anxiety, your mind starts monitoring the anxiety instead.

“Am I feeling anxious right now?”
“Am I overthinking again?”
“Am I actually changing?”

That is how you keep checking your own heart.

When you do that, you end up getting more exhausted by the tension of "I must not feel anxious" than by the anxiety itself.

What is important when overcoming anxious attachment is not to erase the anxiety, but to change how you handle it when it arises.

For example, when you feel anxious because a reply is late.

Instead of suppressing it by saying "I shouldn't feel anxious,"

Try putting it into words a little bit, like:
"I'm feeling scared right now because I haven't received a reply."
"I feel pained because I feel like I'm being disliked.""But I don't know the truth yet."

Try putting it into words a little bit.

Instead of trying to erase the anxiety head-on, create just a little bit of distance between the anxiety and yourself.

That small distance becomes the space that will change your actions later.

Before you send a LINE message immediately because you're anxious,
Before you immediately doubt the other person because you're anxious,
Before you immediately blame yourself because you're anxious,

Be able to notice, "Oh, my anxiety is getting quite strong right now."

Just being able to do that is the beginning of overcoming it.

That alone is the beginning of overcoming it.

What is needed first is not to deny the "anxious self"

For people with anxious attachment, what makes them suffer the most might not be the anxiety itself, but the moment they convince themselves that "it's bad to be an anxious person."

You feel anxious.
You blame yourself for it.
Because you blame yourself, you feel even more pained.
Because you feel pained, you want to check even more.
After checking, you feel self-loathing again.

When you are in this cycle, there is nowhere left where you can feel at ease.

You don't know the other person's feelings.
Your own heart is not at peace.
On top of that, you are even blaming yourself.

That is quite lonely.

Therefore, what is needed at the beginning of overcoming it is not to "get rid of the anxious self," but to "not deny the anxious self."

When you feel anxious, try saying this to yourself first.

“So, you’re feeling anxious again.”
“You were just that scared.”
“You just wanted to feel secure.”
“You just didn’t want to be disliked.”

In this way, acknowledge your emotions for a moment.

This is not being self-indulgent.
It is the first step in organizing your thoughts so you aren't consumed by your emotions.

When you deny yourself, your heart becomes filled with defenses.
However, when you can acknowledge your own emotions, a little bit of calmness returns.

Once calmness returns, you can start to see things like:
Should I send a text right now?
Should I wait a little while?
What is it that I really want to tell the other person?
Is this current anxiety coming from past memories?

You will be able to look at these things little by little.

The more people want to overcome anxious attachment, the more some continue to blame themselves, thinking, “I’m no good like this.”
First, I think it will be much easier to understand if you read Article 01, “Anxious Attachment,” to organize your own anxiety patterns before reading this.

People with anxious attachment tend to entrust all their “security” to the other person

The reason people with anxious attachment tend to suffer is that they entrust most of their security to the other person’s reactions. If they reply, I’m okay; if they are kind, I am loved; if they are cold, it might be over. When the standard for security is outside of yourself like that, your heart will keep wavering. Here, we will organize why you are easily swayed by the other person’s attitude.

Trying to confirm security through replies

For people with anxious attachment, LINE replies tend to become more than just communication.

If the reply is fast, I feel secure.
If the message is kind, I feel like I am still loved.
If there are emojis, I feel like their feelings remain.

Conversely, if the reply is slow, I become anxious.
If it is short, I feel like they have lost interest.
If it is marked as read but there is no reply, my heart feels restless.

In reality, you cannot measure love just by reply speed.

There are days when the other person is busy.
There are days when they are tired.
There are people who reply briefly without thinking anything of it.
There are also people whose communication frequency does not match their expression of love.

I know this in my head.

But when I am anxious, a reply looks like proof of security.

That is why I look at my smartphone over and over.
I check if there is a notification.
I open the chat screen with the other person.
I reread the last message.

And, during the time when there is no reply, your mind starts imagining more and more negative things.

“Did they start to dislike me?”
“Have they lost interest already?”
“Am I being put on the back burner?”
“Is there someone else more important to them?”

Even though it is just time spent waiting for a reply, you have already been hurt many times over in your heart.

What is important here is not to blame yourself by saying,
“It’s bad of me to worry about a reply.”

It means that your heart was in need of reassurance to the extent that you were seeking it in a reply.

However, if you entrust all of that reassurance solely to a reply, your own heart will be completely swayed by the other person's daily rhythm and mood.

Therefore, little by little, before you jump to the conclusion that
“No reply equals being disliked,”

try to notice,

“I am trying to confirm my sense of security through a reply right now.”

That realization becomes the gateway to reclaiming your own heart.

Judging your own worth based on the other person's attitude

On days when the other person is kind, you feel like you have value.

You feel cherished.
You feel chosen.
You feel truly loved.

You can feel that way.

But on days when the other person is cold, you feel as if your own worth has plummeted all at once.

“Am I not being cherished?”
“Am I not attractive?”
“Have they grown tired of me already?”
“Is it true that I am hard to love?”

In reality, the other person's attitude and your own worth are separate things.

The fact that the other person is tired is not the same as you having no value.
The fact that the other person's reply is slow is not the same as you being a person who cannot be loved.
The fact that the other person is clumsy is not the same as you being inadequate.

However, for people with anxious attachment, those things tend to get stuck together.

You end up feeling as if the other person's attitude is a direct evaluation of yourself.

That is why you can never relax while in a relationship.

Is the other person in a good mood?
Are they being kind to me?
Do they really love me?
Have they lost interest?

That confirmation becomes a way to protect your own sense of worth.

However, if you keep doing this, your heart will become very tired.

This is because your self-worth goes up and down every day based on the other person's attitude.

I feel loved today.
Maybe it's over today.
Yesterday was fine.
But I don't know about today.

In this way, your heart remains constantly unstable.

What you want to gradually regain in order to overcome this is
the sense that "your worth is not determined solely by how you are treated by others"
is.

Of course, there is no need to force yourself to justify a partner who does not treat you well.
There is also no need to shoulder a relationship that keeps making you anxious all by yourself.

However, you do not have to deny your own existence every time based on the other person's temporary attitude.

Building that boundary little by little is important for overcoming anxious attachment in love.

Getting tired from constantly searching for "proof of being loved"

People with anxious attachment in love may unconsciously keep searching for "proof of being loved."

How often do they contact me?
What kind of words do they say to me?
Do they say they want to see me?
Do they prioritize my plans?
Do they acknowledge my existence on social media?

When there is proof, I feel a little relieved.
But when I cannot see proof, I become anxious.

And the proof I find is never enough for long.

They were kind yesterday.
But what about today?
They said they loved me the other day.
But what about now?
They met with me.
But did they really want to see me?

Even though you are looking for reassurance, your heart just gets more and more tired.

This is because there is no end to searching for proof.

No matter how much you search, you will never find complete proof.
This is because a person's feelings are not something that can be seen every second.

Relationships are not built on proof alone.

But when your anxiety is strong, the time spent without proof becomes terrifying.

Affection that hasn't been proven feels like it doesn't exist.
Feelings that haven't been put into words feel like they've vanished.
Time spent without contact feels like time spent being abandoned.

So, you keep searching.

But perhaps what you are actually searching for isn't just the other person's affection.

I am allowed to be loved.
I am allowed to be cherished.
I am allowed to remain myself even during times when I cannot see the other person's reaction.

Perhaps you are searching for the feeling of being able to think that way.

For those with an anxious attachment style, the state of 'trying to create a sense of security solely through the other person' is more likely to cause suffering than the idea that 'the other person is at fault.'
In particular, for those who cannot stop worrying about 'the other person's feelings,' I think Article 06, 'I don't understand the other person's feelings,' contains content that is quite relevant.

The first step to overcoming it was 'not chasing when feeling anxious'

What is important in overcoming anxious attachment in relationships is not to stop feeling anxious, but to gradually change your actions when you do feel anxious. In moments of anxiety, you want to confirm things, send LINE messages, or verify the other person's feelings. However, the more you act on that impulse, the more it can lead to self-loathing and further anxiety later on. Here, we will look at the first small steps to changing your behavior.

It is easy to increase confirmation behaviors in moments of anxiety

When people are anxious, they look for security.

That is natural.

Because there is no reply, you want to send another LINE message.
Because they seem cold, you want to ask, 'Are you angry?'
Because you feel distance, you want to confirm, 'Do you like me?'
Because the time without seeing each other continues, you want to check the other person's social media.

All of these are actions taken because you want to feel secure.

However, for people with an anxious attachment style, the actions taken in moments of anxiety can sometimes increase that anxiety even further later on.

After sending a follow-up LINE message,
I wonder if I was too clingy,
I wish I hadn't sent it,
you become anxious.

After confirming their affection,
Maybe I just made them say it,
Maybe it was actually a bother for them,
you start to doubt again.

After looking at their social media,
you become concerned about their posts or online status, and feel even more down.

In other words, even though you acted because you wanted to feel secure, you end up increasing the sources of your anxiety as a result.

The important thing here is
not to ban all reassurance-seeking behaviors.

There are times when it is necessary to express your anxious feelings.
Talking things over with your partner is also important for maintaining the relationship.

However, when you act at the peak of your anxiety, what you want to convey often ends up sounding like an accusation, or leads to actions you might regret later.

Therefore, first of all, do not chase them immediately when you feel anxious.

Before doing that, take just a little bit of time.

This is the first step.

Five minutes is fine.
Ten minutes is fine.
Even just putting your phone face down once is fine.

That small pause will change your usual pattern just a little bit.

Organize your emotions before sending a LINE message

It is not a bad thing to want to send a LINE message when you are anxious.

You are actually lonely.
You are feeling anxious.
You want a little more reassurance.
You want to know how the other person feels.

It is natural to feel that way.

But before you send it as is, it might be good to ask yourself just once.

What do I want to convey right now?
Do I want to blame them, or do I want them to understand me?
What is it that I really want to ask?
Is this a relationship that will break if I don't send this right now?

LINE messages sent when you are anxious tend to be mixed with emotions.

Loneliness.
Anger.
Fear.
Sadness.
A feeling of being abandoned.
A sense of not being valued.

If you send a message while these are all mixed together, you may later feel distressed, thinking,
I might have said too much,
or that is not how I really wanted to say it.

So, try writing it down in a memo first.

Not as a message to send to the other person, but as a note for your eyes only.

I'm anxious because there's no reply.
I'm sad because I feel like I was put on the back burner.
I actually want to see you.
But I'm afraid of being seen as clingy.
I can't say it because I don't want to be disliked.

When you write it down like this, your own emotions become a little clearer.

Once you can see your emotions, the purpose of your messages changes too.

Instead of messages meant to test the other person, you might be able to send messages that convey your true feelings.
You might be able to turn them into messages that convey your feelings.

Instead of messages that dump your anxiety on them,
you might be able to turn them into consultations to improve the relationship.

Of course, you don't have to do it perfectly every time.

When you're anxious, no one has much emotional capacity.
But if you can build the habit of looking at your emotions just once before you hit send, the time you spend acting on impulse due to anxiety will gradually decrease.

That is a very big change for overcoming anxious attachment.

Just noticing "I'm anxious right now" is the start of change

When you hear the word "overcome," you might imagine some kind of major transformation.

No more double-texting.
No more depending on the other person.
No more feeling down over replies.
No more feeling anxious.

But if you aim for that from the start, it becomes painful.

The first change can be much smaller.

"I'm anxious right now."

It's being able to notice that.

For example, when you feel uneasy because you haven't received a reply.

Instead of immediately reacting with,
"They hate me,"
"It's over,"
"I have to send something,"

"Oh, I'm feeling quite anxious right now."
"I'm scared because I feel like I'm being abandoned."
"I'm unsettled because I don't know how they feel."

Try giving a name to your state of mind.

When you name your emotions, you create a little bit of distance between yourself and those feelings.

It doesn't mean the anxiety itself disappears.
But before you are completely swallowed by the anxiety, you create a place to return to.

This process of "noticing" is understated.

But it is very important.

Because anxiety that goes unnoticed turns directly into action. Anxiety that you have noticed becomes something you can choose how to handle, even if just a little.

Should I send it now?
Should I wait a little?
Should I write it in a memo?
Should I go for a walk?
Should I talk about it calmly tomorrow?

It creates a space where you have a choice.

For those with anxious attachment, it is often not "feeling anxious" that makes a relationship difficult, but rather "acting on the momentum of that anxiety."
If you struggle with organizing your emotions when you are anxious, Article 07, "I Want to Know How the Other Person Feels," will likely be very helpful.

Starting to choose a "secure relationship" over "trying to be loved"

People with anxious attachment sometimes try too hard to be loved by their partner. But what is truly important is not forcing yourself to keep being liked, but learning to choose a relationship where you can feel secure. If you are drawn to relationships that are exciting but unstable, or relationships that you can only maintain by working too hard, your heart will easily become exhausted. Here, we will take a look at how to rethink the way you choose your romantic relationships.

Try valuing a sense of security over excitement

The more unstable a relationship is, the more strongly you might be drawn to it.

Sometimes they contact you, sometimes they don't.
There is a big difference between their kind days and their cold days.
You feel incredibly happy on days you can meet, but you are filled with anxiety on days you cannot.
Because it is hard to see how the other person feels, you end up wanting to chase them even more.

Such relationships cause your heart to sway significantly.

Because it sways, there are times when you feel the happy moments more intensely.

The occasional kind words.
The sense of relief when you meet after a long time.
The moment when a cold partner suddenly becomes affectionate.

Those fleeting moments feel like such great happiness.

But if you are carrying anxiety the whole time behind that happiness, it might be okay to stop and pause for a moment.

Is that really love?
Or are you just feeling that the moment you are released from anxiety is happiness?

Because people with anxious attachment have strong anxiety, they also tend to feel the pleasure of the moment they feel secure more intensely.

Being treated a little kindly after being in pain for so long.
Getting a message when you felt like you were being abandoned.
Being told "I want to see you" when you thought it might already be over.

In that moment, you feel as if you have been saved.

But love should not be something you do just to be saved.

In reality, it is about being able to feel secure in your daily life.
It is about feeling that the relationship continues even if you do not force yourself to keep chasing it.
It is about not being immediately pushed away when you speak your mind.
It is about being able to be your ordinary self, not just your anxious self.

That kind of sense of security is also an important form of love.

Choosing security over excitement does not mean choosing a boring relationship.

It means choosing a relationship where your heart does not break.

Stop trying too hard to be liked

People with anxious attachment sometimes adjust themselves too much in order to be liked.

Giving responses that you think will please the other person.
Not saying you dislike something even when you actually do.
Holding back even when you want to see them.
Pretending to be fine even when you are lonely.
Continuing to accommodate the other person's schedule.

As you keep doing this, you start to lose track of whether the version of you that the other person likes is the real you.

“Do they like me because of who I am?”
“Will they leave if I show my true feelings?”
“Will they think the real me is too much to handle?”

Those kinds of anxieties start to emerge.

A relationship where you force yourself to be liked might look like it is going well at first.

There are few arguments.
The other person stays in a good mood.
The relationship does not break.

But in exchange, you accumulate frustration within yourself.

You cannot speak your true feelings.
You cannot express dissatisfaction.
You hide your loneliness.
You smile even when you are hurt.

If that state continues, the relationship becomes a place where you perform to avoid being disliked, rather than a place where you can feel secure.

What is important in overcoming this is,
not creating a perfect version of yourself that won't be disliked by the other person.

It is about gradually becoming able to stay in the relationship while still holding onto your true feelings.

Of course, that does not mean you should just lash out with every emotion you have.
How you communicate is important.
It is also necessary to consider the other person's situation.

However, you don't have to erase all your own feelings just to be liked.

If you keep diluting yourself to be loved, you will eventually lose track of who you are.

Rather than forcing yourself to be liked,
choose a relationship where you can feel secure being yourself, even if you are a little clumsy.

For someone with anxious attachment, that is a huge step toward recovery.

Reevaluating relationships built solely on 'efforts not to be disliked'

People with anxious attachment often make many 'efforts not to be disliked' without even realizing it.

Trying not to upset the other person.
Matching your communication frequency to theirs.
Trying not to show too much anxiety.
Swallowing what you want to say.
Working hard to keep the other person from leaving.

I believe those efforts come from a desire to cherish the relationship.

But when it becomes all about trying not to be disliked, the relationship becomes constantly tense.

'If I say this, will they dislike me?'
'If I do this, will I seem too intense?'
'Will this attitude make them lose interest?'

In this way, you are always anticipating the other person's reaction and making yourself smaller.

But a truly secure relationship shouldn't be something that can only be maintained by constantly acting in a way that avoids being disliked.

Being able to talk even on days when you feel anxious.
Being able to express when you feel lonely without blaming the other person.
Being able to discuss things when something feels off, without assuming it will lead to a breakup.
Being able to value your own feelings, not just accommodate the other person.

Such a relationship might feel a little scary at first.

The less used you are to expressing your true feelings,
the more anxious you will feel,
thinking, 'If I say this, they might leave.'

But if a relationship can only continue by hiding your true self, it might be difficult to ever feel secure within it.

Those with anxious attachment can sometimes become obsessed with an 'insecure relationship' rather than the 'person they fell in love with.'
For those who want to step away from being partner-focused and organize their own emotions, I think Article 08, 'The Feelings of a Romantic Partner,' will also feel relevant.

Overcoming it was never about 'becoming a different person'

When you talk about overcoming anxious attachment, it might feel like you need to become someone who never feels anxious. But true change is much quieter. It means not losing sight of yourself even when you feel anxious. The time you spend being consumed by emotions gradually shortens. You gain more options to calm yourself down before seeking reassurance from your partner. Here, we will look at the realistic form of recovery.

Even if you feel anxious, you won't lose sight of yourself

Even after you overcome it, anxiety doesn't disappear completely.

If a reply from someone you like is late, there may be days when it bothers you a little.
If their attitude is different than usual, your heart might feel unsettled.
If time passes without seeing them, feelings of loneliness may arise.

But what's a little different from before is that you won't lose your entire self in those moments.

The reply is late.
But you won't let that alone determine your worth.

They are being cold.
But you won't immediately conclude that they hate you.

You feel anxious.
But you won't keep blaming yourself because of that anxiety.

This is realistic overcoming.

Even while feeling anxious, you can protect your own life a little.
Even during times when you can't see the other person's reaction, you can look after your own emotions.
Even when the worst-case scenario comes to mind, you can think, 'Maybe that's just my anxiety talking right now.'

That small change leads to a sense of not losing sight of yourself.

People with anxious attachment tend to focus too much on the other person's feelings, leaving their own feelings behind.

But as you make progress in overcoming it, the questions you ask will gradually change.

Not just,
'Does this person like me?'

'What is causing me pain right now?'
'Do I feel secure in this relationship?'
'What do I actually want to do?'

You will start to turn your attention toward yourself as well.

That doesn't mean you stop valuing the other person.
It means you start valuing yourself just as much.

The time spent being consumed by emotions will gradually decrease

When anxious attachment is strong, once you feel anxious, it lingers for a long time.

Just because a reply doesn't come, you feel down all day.
A single word from them bothers you, and you think about it until night.
Throughout the time you can't meet, your heart is occupied by anxiety.

But as you become able to process things little by little, the time you spend being consumed by emotions will become shorter.

You feel anxious.
But, a few hours later, you are able to return to yourself a little.

You feel down.
But, by writing it down in a memo, taking a deep breath, or doing something else, you can calm down a little.

The worst-case scenarios appear.
But, you can remind yourself, "Nothing has been decided yet."

This change might seem small from the outside.

But for the person themselves, it is very significant.

You start being able to fall asleep a little earlier than you would have before, when you might have stayed up all night.
You can pause for a moment in situations where you would have previously sent multiple follow-up messages.
Even on days when you would have previously fallen apart completely due to the other person's attitude, you can still make a little progress on your own plans.

Such small recoveries accumulate.

Overcoming it is not about becoming dramatically strong.

It is about the ability to return from anxiety growing little by little.

Instead of "I'm anxious again,"
"But, I was able to return a little faster than before."

When you start to notice that, your trust in yourself also begins to return little by little.

Shifting from "I want to confirm if things are okay" to "I want to calm myself down"

People with anxious attachment in relationships want to confirm things with their partner first when they feel anxious.

"Do you love me?"
"Have you lost interest?"
"Are you angry?"
"Do you want to see me?"

That is because they want to receive reassurance from the other person.

However, as you change little by little, the purpose of the moment you feel anxious begins to change.

"I want to make the other person say it's okay"
changes to
"I want to calm myself down first."
It changes to this.

This is a very big difference.

Of course, it is necessary to talk to your partner.
Communicating your anxiety is also important for nurturing the relationship.

But when you communicate after you have calmed down a little, the form of your words changes.

Instead of asking in an accusatory way, you might be able to say,
I've been feeling a bit anxious lately, so I'd be happy if we could talk.

Instead of checking in a testing way, you might be able to say,
I tend to get anxious when there's a gap in communication, so I just wanted to share that with you.

Instead of lashing out with your emotions, you will become able to explain what is going on inside you.

To do that, you first need to understand your own emotions.

What were you afraid of?
What were you hurt by?
What were you actually looking for?

Once you understand that, the words you use to communicate with your partner will change a little.

Overcoming it doesn't mean you stop asking anything of your partner.

It means the way you ask changes little by little.
It means becoming able to face the relationship after centering yourself, rather than chasing your partner while still feeling anxious.

That change is very quiet, but it certainly changes the relationship.

Anxious attachment can truly be changed

The more people want to overcome anxious attachment, the more they may feel impatient to change quickly. However, a sense of security is not something that grows in a day. It takes time to gradually unravel the anxious reactions you have developed until now. You don't need to rush. You don't need to be perfect. Change begins by first understanding that there was a reason for your anxiety.

You don't have to be perfect all of a sudden

When you try to overcome anxious attachment, you might suddenly aim for perfection.

No more double-texting.
No more crying.
No more showing my anxiety.
No more being swayed by my partner.
No more being dependent.

You decide that.

But people cannot change that quickly.

A heart prone to anxiety is also a heart that has protected itself many times to avoid getting hurt.
Even if you are suddenly told to stop reacting, you cannot stop immediately.

Therefore, it is okay to have days when you couldn't do it.

I got anxious again.
I checked my phone too much again.
I felt down because of my partner's reaction again.
I wanted to check again.

Even if you have days like that, it doesn't mean everything has gone back to square one.

What matters is what comes after that.

Instead of ending it with "I guess I'm just no good,"

Look at things like,
"Where did my anxiety get stronger this time?"
"What was the trigger?""Where could I manage to pause next time?"

Examine these things.

Use your failures as material to understand yourself, not as material to blame yourself.

That is the realistic way to progress toward overcoming it.

You don't need to change perfectly.

You noticed a little more than yesterday.
You calmed down a little faster than before.
You were able to write it in a memo before sending it.
You were able to avoid blaming your anxious self a little bit.

Even just that is a real change.

You can relearn how to feel secure, little by little

People with anxious attachment are just not good at feeling secure; they are not people who are incapable of feeling secure.

Security can be relearned, little by little.

Having small promises kept.
Experiencing that you aren't immediately abandoned even when you express your anxiety.
Learning that your relationship doesn't break even when you put your feelings into words.
Feeling that your worth doesn't disappear even if the other person is slow to reply.

Those kinds of experiences will accumulate in your heart, little by little.

At first, you might find it hard to believe.

You might doubt it even when you are treated kindly.
You might get anxious immediately even when told it's okay.
You want to feel secure, but that feeling doesn't last long.

Even so, take it one step at a time.

Security is not something that is completed with a single word.
It is something you return to many times, confirm many times, and place back into yourself many times.

And that security grows not only from the other person, but also from your relationship with yourself.

When you get anxious, don't blame yourself.
When you feel lonely, admit that you are lonely.
Don't pretend that things you didn't like never happened.
Before searching for the other person's feelings, look at your own.

Such accumulation will gradually lead to self-assurance.

"Even if I feel anxious, I will not abandon myself."

Once you can think that way, it becomes a little easier to breathe in your relationships.

It starts with "understanding yourself" first

When you want to overcome anxious attachment in relationships, the first thing you need is not just techniques.

Of course, waiting before sending a text message, writing down your emotions, taking a deep breath when you feel anxious, and choosing your words carefully when speaking to your partner are all important.
These specific methods are also important.
Taking a deep breath when you feel anxious.
Refining the words you use to communicate with your partner.

Those concrete methods are also important.

But before that, what you need is to understand yourself.

Why does a slow reply make me so scared?
Why does my partner's attitude make me question my own worth?
Why do I swallow my true feelings to avoid being disliked?
Why do I cling to a relationship where I cannot feel secure?
Why does my anxiety not disappear even though I am supposed to be loved?

Once you can see that, you will no longer just be a "needy person."

There was a reason for the anxiety.
There was a pattern that made you want to seek reassurance.
There was a background that made you focus too much on the other person.
There was a habit of seeking security too much from the outside.

Just realizing that will change the way you blame yourself a little.

Instead of saying "I am no good,"
you will be able to see it as,
"I tend to feel stronger anxiety at times like this."

That is an important beginning to overcoming it.

To those who have read this far and felt,
"So, anxious attachment in relationships wasn't something to be cured by sheer willpower."

Overcoming anxious attachment in relationships is not about:

・Making anxiety zero
・Becoming a strong person
・Becoming a perfect person who doesn't depend on anyone

It was not that.

What was truly needed was:

・The mechanism of why anxiety becomes strong
・The reason why you tend to focus on the other person
・How to create a sense of security
・How to regulate yourself when you are overwhelmed by emotions

was to understand it little by little.

In my free note, I organize more specifically
why people with anxious attachment in relationships
tend to repeat the cycle of "anxiety → confirmation → more anxiety",
as well as ways of thinking to rebuild a sense of security.

"I want to change, but I don't know how to change."

I have compiled this so you can read it at times like that.