The reason relationship anxiety is exhausting isn't because your 'love' is too heavy

Even though I'm just in a relationship, for some reason, I feel exhausted.

Having someone you love should be a happy thing, after all.
When a message arrives, my heart feels a little lighter just from that. On days we meet, I can truly feel happy. When they smile at me or say something kind, there are moments when I think, 'I really do love them.'

And yet, somewhere in my heart, I never feel at rest.

In this chapter, we will organize the reasons why relationship anxiety becomes so exhausting, not from the perspective that 'your love is too heavy,' but from a much deeper place.
People who struggle with relationship anxiety don't want to trouble their partner or tie them down. In truth, they just want to love them with peace of mind. Yet, their heart wavers at the partner's replies or attitude, and they can't stop it themselves.
As we put the true nature of that pain into words little by little, the perspective shifts from 'I am strange' to 'I have been searching for peace of mind all along.'

【Even though I'm in a relationship, I'm always on edge】

When a relationship is exhausting, the most painful part is that even though you love your partner, that love doesn't lead to peace of mind.

A message arrives from the person I love.
Just that alone makes the depths of my heart feel suddenly lighter for a moment.

“Oh, they replied”
“Thank goodness, maybe they don't hate me”
“Maybe they are actually thinking about me”

I feel relieved in that way.

But that relief doesn't last long.

When the next reply is a little late, I become anxious again.
The feelings that were calm just a moment ago are shaken all at once by a single smartphone screen. I think I heard a notification and check it, only to feel a little down when it's a notification from a different app. Even though I think to myself, 'I'm checking again,' before I know it, I've opened LINE many times.

In truth, I shouldn't want to spend my time like that.

If I have someone I love, I want to enjoy every day more naturally.
I want to focus on my own things even during the time when there are no messages.
I want to spend the days we can't meet thinking, 'I'm looking forward to seeing them next time.'

But in reality, I'm concerned about the partner's reactions, and a part of my heart is always turned toward them.

Whether I'm working, studying, or talking with friends, I remember them in sudden moments.

“They still haven't replied”
“I feel like they were colder than yesterday”
“Did my priority level drop compared to before?”
“Am I the only one who cares this much?”

Even though I'm doing what's right in front of me, only my heart is being pulled by the anxiety of the relationship.

If this continues, the relationship gradually becomes something that 'keeps you on edge' rather than something 'happy.'

I end up watching the partner's mood.
I end up reading too much into the temperature of their words.
I end up worrying about the intervals between replies.
I end up thinking back on their attitude after we met over and over again.

And then, if there is even the slightest sense of discomfort, it leads to a bad direction within myself.

"Have they lost interest?"
"Are they bored of me?"
"Is there someone else they're interested in?"
"Did I do something wrong?"

It's not like the other person said anything clearly.
It's not like there was any definitive event.

Even so, an anxious heart tries to fill the silence and gaps on its own.

During the time when there's no reply, negative imagination creeps in.
In a curt word, you find yourself looking for signs that they've lost interest.
When days go by without meeting, you start to feel like, "Maybe I'm not needed anymore."

I think people who suffer from relationship anxiety are constantly performing confirmation checks in their hearts, even though they are just in a relationship.

Am I loved?
Am I hated?
Do they think I'm too much?
Am I still cherished?
Am I the only one being left behind?

You try to pick up those confirmations from the other person's replies, words, attitude, schedule, social media activity, and the timing of when they read your messages.

That is why you get tired.

You don't get tired because you love them.
It's not painful because your love is too heavy.

Your heart can't find rest because you are constantly looking for things to reassure you outside of yourself.

[The most painful thing is "knowing it, but not being able to stop"]

People who suffer from relationship anxiety don't know nothing.

Rather, there is a lot that they understand in their heads.

The other person has a job, too.
There are days when they are busy.
There are times when they can't look at their phone.
They can't reply with the same energy every time.
Even if they seem a little curt, it doesn't necessarily mean they've lost interest.

You know that yourself.

That is exactly why it becomes even more painful.

Before being told "you're overthinking it," you are the one who thinks that the most.
Before being told "aren't you worrying too much?," you are already tired of yourself for being that way.
Before being told "why don't you trust them more?," you actually want to trust them.

But even if you know it, you can't stop.

When a reply is late, your chest tightens.
You can't stop your hands from checking your phone.
You open the chat screen with them and reread the last exchange.
You look at the message you sent and wonder, "Was this too heavy?"
You look at their short reply over and over, comparing it by thinking, "They used to use more emojis before."

And then, you get tired of yourself for that all over again.

"Why can't I just wait normally?"
"Why do I feel so anxious?"
"I want to be someone more composed."
"If I'm like this, they might end up hating me."

It's painful enough just to be anxious, but you even end up blaming yourself for feeling that anxiety.

This is where the agony of relationship anxiety lies.

If you were just lonely, you might still be able to put it into words.
If you just wanted to see them, you might be able to tell them honestly.
If you were just anxious, you might be able to admit, "I'm feeling anxious."

But in reality, many different emotions are mixed together.

I want to see you.
But I don't want to be seen as clingy by saying I want to see you.
I want a reply.
But I don't want to be seen as annoying by prompting you.
I want to say I'm anxious.
But I don't want it to seem like I'm blaming you.
I want to trust you.
But I'm scared of what happens if I trust you and get betrayed.
I want to keep loving you.
But it's painful if I'm the only one who is serious.

Because you are carrying these mixed emotions all by yourself, your heart stays exhausted.

From the outside, it might look like you're just "loving too much," "being dependent," or "being too heavy."

But for the person experiencing it, it's not that simple.

Deep beneath the feelings of love, there is fear.
Deep beneath the loneliness, there is a fear of being disliked.
Deep beneath the desire for confirmation, there is an anxiety about being abandoned.
Deep beneath the restraint, there is the tension that "if I ask for any more, they might leave."

That is why, even if you just think, "I'll try not to worry about it," it doesn't work.

The more you try not to worry, the more you worry.
The more you try not to look, the more you check your phone.
The more you try not to think about it, the more you think only about the other person.

And when night comes, the anxiety can become even more intense than it was during the day.

You get into bed, and the room becomes quiet.
You check your phone, but there is no reply.
You don't know where they are or what they are doing right now.
The anxiety you were able to suppress until just a moment ago suddenly grows.

"Have they gone to sleep already?"
"Are they with someone else?"
"Have they forgotten about me?"
"Is this how it's all going to end?"

Nights when you think like that are truly long.

You want to sleep, but you can't.
You put your phone down, but you pick it up again.
Looking at the screen with no reply makes you feel even more miserable.

When you experience this state over and over, you start to become a little afraid of relationships themselves.

When I fall in love, I feel like I'm no longer myself.
The more I cherish someone, the more I am swayed by their reactions.
Even though there are happy moments, I am worn down by anxiety even more than that.

That's why I end up thinking, "Maybe I'm not cut out for relationships."

However, it may not be that you are unsuited for relationships, but simply that you don't yet know how to maintain a sense of security within them.

[Relationship anxiety is closer to 'lacking security' than 'having too much love']

When relationship anxiety becomes painful, many people tend to blame themselves.

“My love is too heavy.”
“I’m asking for too much.”
“I’m being codependent.”
“Things aren't working out because of the way I am.”

Of course, constantly seeking reassurance from your partner or lashing out with your emotions can make a relationship difficult.

But if you conclude that you are just 'too heavy,' you lose sight of what you really need to look at.

At the core of relationship anxiety is not that you love too much, but that your foundation of security has become unstable.

You have feelings of love.
But you cannot feel secure within that love.
Even when you receive your partner's affection, you feel anxious after a little time passes.
The moments that seemed cold remain more vividly in your memory than the moments you were treated kindly.
Your focus shifts more toward 'things that look dangerous' than 'things that were okay.'

For example, even if your partner has been kind to you ten times, a single delayed reply can make you feel anxious.

In reality, those ten acts of kindness were real.
They smiled at you when you met.
They listened to you.
They made time for you despite being busy.
There might even have been days when they told you they loved you.

But when you are anxious, those sources of security are hard to hold onto in your heart.

Instead, you are completely consumed by the current anxiety of 'their reply is late today.'

The current anxiety outweighs the security of the past.

This is not because you are selfish.
It is not because you lack the ability to receive love.

When anxiety is strong, the human heart finds it easier to look for 'danger signs to avoid getting hurt' rather than 'proof that you are safe.'

Are they losing interest?
Do they hate me?
Are they distancing themselves?
Is it already coming to an end?

You want to notice before you get hurt.
You want to sense it before you are left behind.
If you are going to lose them suddenly, you want to prepare your heart in advance.

That is how you try to protect yourself.

Therefore, relationship anxiety is not just a 'troublesome emotion.'

Within you, there is a valid reason for feeling anxious.
You are trying to protect yourself by being afraid.
You are trying to regain security by seeking confirmation.
You are trying to reduce the possibility of getting hurt by being sensitive to your partner's changes.

However, when that way of protecting yourself becomes too intense, the relationship itself starts to become painful.

You become so focused on confirming the other person's feelings that your own feelings get left behind.
You act so much to avoid being disliked that you can no longer express your true thoughts.
You hold back your anxiety to avoid showing it, only to feel like you're going to explode later.
Your entire day is determined by a single word from the other person.

When that happens, 'you' become smaller and smaller within the relationship.

What do you actually want to do?
What are you actually feeling lonely about?
What kind of relationship would actually make you feel secure?
How long can you actually wait, and at what point does it become painful?

Those feelings of your own get buried under the other person's reactions, and you lose sight of them.

People who suffer from relationship anxiety seem to be thinking only about the 'other person's feelings,' but in reality, they are constantly searching for their own 'sense of security' deep down.

You want to know if they love you.
But in truth, you want to be able to think, 'It's okay to feel secure in this relationship.'
You want to confirm that they won't leave.
But in truth, you want to feel that 'it's okay for me to be cherished.'
You want a reply.
But in truth, you want to feel that 'I haven't been forgotten.'

That is why your heart is so easily shaken by a single reply.

It's not just that you want a text message.
Within that message, you are looking for proof that 'everything is still okay.'

It's not just that you want to be told they want to see you.
Within those words, you are looking for the security of knowing 'I am needed.'

It's not just that you want to be treated kindly.
Within that kindness, you are looking for the feeling that 'it's okay for me to be loved.'

Once you see this much, you realize that the perspective of 'it's painful because my love is too heavy' is not enough.

It is not painful because you have love.
It is painful because you are afraid of losing your sense of security within the relationship with the person you love.

【Even though you just want to feel secure, you end up repeating confirmation and self-loathing】

When relationship anxiety is strong, the desire to feel secure can turn into a desire to 'confirm.'

In truth, you don't want to blame them.
You don't want to tie them down either.
You just want to calm the restlessness inside you, even if just a little.

That is why you feel the urge to ask.

'Are you busy lately?'
'Why do you seem so cold?'
'Did I do something?'
'Don't you love me anymore?'
'Are you really okay?'

I think you hesitate many times before sending these.

Is this message too heavy?
Will they be annoyed if I send this?
But it's also painful to just stay here without asking anything.
Would it be okay if I asked in a lighthearted way?
But in truth, I don't want to ask in a lighthearted way.

You type, delete, type again, change the wording slightly, and then stop right before the send button.

The moment you send it, you feel a little relieved.
I finally asked.
Maybe I can feel at ease if I get a reply now.

But soon, a different kind of anxiety emerges.

“Maybe I shouldn't have sent that.”
“Maybe they thought I was being too heavy.”
“I dumped my anxiety on them again.”
“What if they think I'm a difficult person?”

You acted to find peace of mind, but now you blame yourself for taking that action.

If you get a kind reply, you are saved for that moment.
But after a little time passes, you become anxious again.

“They replied kindly, but maybe it was actually a bother for them.”
“Did I make them feel like they had to be nice?”
“Maybe I shouldn't say anything next time.”

Conversely, if the reply is curt or doesn't come back right away, your anxiety grows even larger.

“They really didn't like it after all.”
“This might be the end.”
“Maybe I'm the one who ruined it.”

In this way, the desire to confirm things and the self-loathing for having confirmed them become a set.

If this continues repeatedly, your confidence within the relationship gradually disappears.

I hate that I get anxious.
I hate that I can't hold back.
I hate that I become too heavy.
But it's also painful to pretend to be fine without asking anything.

It feels like there is no place to escape.

What is important here is not to simply blame yourself for wanting to confirm things.

Wanting to confirm things doesn't necessarily mean you want to control the other person.
In many cases, deep down, there is an earnest feeling of “I don't want to be abandoned,” “I don't want to be disliked,” or “I want to feel that I am cherished.”

However, if you entrust those feelings to the other person exactly as they are every time, your own peace of mind becomes dependent on their reply.

If they reply kindly, you are at ease.
If they are cold, you are anxious.
If they reply immediately, you are okay.
If they are slow, you are in pain again.

In this state, the initiative in the relationship always lies with the other person's reaction.

That is why, no matter how much you love the other person, your own heart gets worn down.

Actually, what is necessary to find peace of mind in a relationship is not to perfectly control the other person.

It is not about making the other person reply faster, receiving expressions of love every day, or trying to grasp every action they take so you don't feel even a little bit anxious.

Of course, discussing things with your partner and adjusting the distance between you is important for building a secure relationship.
It doesn't mean you should just endure it when you are being treated poorly.

But it is just as important to be able to look at what is happening inside yourself before you check with your partner.

What am I reacting to right now?
Do I dislike that the reply is slow?
Or did I feel like I wasn't being valued because the reply was slow?
Do I really want to ask the other person?
Or do I just want to ask because I want to make my anxiety disappear right now?
What am I trying to use as proof of security right now?

When you become able to organize your thoughts like this, even if the anxiety itself doesn't disappear immediately, the way it consumes you changes a little.

Oh, I'm feeling anxious again.
I'm wanting to confirm whether I'm disliked or not right now.
But actually, I was just feeling lonely.
Actually, I just wanted to feel a little more valued.

Just being able to put into words what is happening inside you like that can change the intensity of the impulse a little.

The first step to managing relationship anxiety is not to suddenly become a person who has plenty of room to spare.

Before you blame yourself for feeling anxious,
try looking at it and asking, "What am I afraid of?"

【Instead of blaming your 'love,' rethink how you create security】

When relationship anxiety is painful, many people think, 'It would be easier if this love just disappeared.'

It's painful because I love them.
I care because I love them.
I end up waiting because I love them.
I get hurt by a single word from them because I love them.
If I didn't love them, I wouldn't be this swayed.

There might be days when you think that way.

But in reality, the feeling of love itself is not bad.

Being able to cherish someone.
Feeling happy when you get a message.
Remembering the day you met over and over again.
Feeling your heart warm up at their words.

Those things themselves should never be bad.

It becomes painful when that love doesn't connect to 'security' but becomes strongly tied to the 'fear of losing.'

Not 'I'm happy because I love them,' but 'I'm afraid of losing them because I love them.'
Not 'I want to see them because I love them,' but 'I get anxious if I can't see them.'
Not 'I want to contact them because I love them,' but 'My own self-worth wavers if there is no reply.'
Not 'I want to know them because I love them,' but 'I want to look for proof that they haven't lost interest.'

When you reach this state, the relationship gradually becomes painful.

That is why what is needed is not to 'reduce your feelings of love.'

It is about creating a state where you don't lose yourself, even while you are still in love.

Cherish your own life while also cherishing your partner.
Be happy when you get a message, but don't let yourself fall apart during the time you don't.
Even if you feel anxious, don't immediately jump to the worst-case conclusion.
When you feel the urge to check up on things, take a moment to look at your own feelings first.
Don't just focus on your partner's feelings; don't leave your own feelings behind either.

As this foundation is built little by little, the way you experience love will change.

Even if a reply is slow, you won't immediately assume that 'it's over.'
Even on days when your partner seems a bit tired, you won't automatically link it all to yourself by thinking, 'It's because they dislike me.'
On nights when you feel anxious, you will be able to choose to calm your heart a little instead of just staring at your phone.
When you feel lonely, you will be able to choose words that are closer to your true feelings rather than words that blame your partner.

Of course, you cannot do this perfectly right away.

The longer you have spent looking for reassurance by watching your partner's reactions, the harder it is to change suddenly.
Even if you decide, 'I won't worry about it anymore,' you might still feel shaken on days when replies are slow.
Even if you think, 'I want to stay centered on myself,' I think there will still be days when your heart is disturbed by a single attitude from the person you love.

But that is not a failure.

What is important is not to become someone who never feels anxious, but to practice not losing yourself after you have become anxious.

I think those who find relationship anxiety painful have been trying their best all this time.

You have chosen your words carefully so as not to be disliked.
You have held back so as not to be seen as 'heavy.'
You have pretended to be fine even when you were anxious.
You have said 'I'm okay' even though you were actually hurt.
You have thought about your partner's feelings more than enough.

But sometimes, that way of trying hard just leaves your heart exhausted.

What you need from now on is not to endure more.
It is not to read your partner's mood more.
It is not to erase your own feelings more.

It is to find the true feelings hidden behind your anxiety and to regain your sense of security little by little.

Instead of 'I'm no good because I'm heavy,'
realize, 'I just wanted to feel secure.'

Instead of 'It's strange to be anxious about something like this,'
understand, 'In this situation, I felt like I was being left behind.'

Instead of stopping at 'It would be easier if my partner loved me more,'
come back to yourself by asking, 'What kind of interaction would make me feel secure?'

This is the entrance to moving past relationship anxiety.

The reason relationship anxiety is painful is not because your 'love' is heavy.

It is painful because you have entrusted your entire sense of security, confidence, and worth into the reactions of the person you love.

So, first of all, you don't need to blame yourself.

You don't have to force yourself to erase the part of you that feels anxious.
You don't have to deny your feelings of love, either.
It's just a matter of understanding where that anxiety comes from, what it's trying to protect, and how you can stay grounded without being swallowed up by the other person's reactions.

I believe you just need to sort through those things little by little.

From here on, we will look more concretely at situations where romantic anxiety intensifies and the reasons why your heart gets shaken by a partner's replies or attitude.

And, instead of just enduring it or repeatedly seeking reassurance from your partner, we will organize how you can start setting things right to maintain your sense of self within a relationship.

It isn't that your love is too heavy.
I think you have been doing your best on your own, all while searching for a place where you can finally feel at ease. It's exhausting, even though you're just in love.

Having someone you love should be a happy thing, after all.
You should feel a little saved just by getting a message, and you should be truly happy on the days you get to meet.

And yet, some part of your heart never finds rest.

Just a late reply makes your heart race with unease.
Even if their words are just a little cold, you spend the whole day thinking about the reason why.
When time passes without seeing them, you start to suffer on your own, thinking, 'Maybe they've lost interest in me.'

You know it in your head.

That you're overthinking it.
That the other person has a life of their own.
That you don't have to be this anxious every single time.

But even knowing that, you can't stop it.

That's why it's all the more painful.

I don't think people who struggle with romantic anxiety just have 'heavy' love.

In truth, you want to feel secure.
You want to be able to trust them properly.
You want to feel more at peace during the time you spend with the person you love.

But your heart is always afraid before anything else happens.

In this article, I will put into words what is happening inside the hearts of those who find romantic anxiety painful—not to blame you, but to help you understand it bit by bit.

I hope that the feeling of 'Am I the only one who is strange?' will unravel, even if just a little.

My heart never finds rest, even though I'm just in love

People who struggle with romantic anxiety don't just suffer when something major is wrong with their partner. In fact, it's often easier to feel anxious when nothing is happening at all. The time spent waiting for a reply, the time spent not seeing each other, the time when you can't see the other person's feelings. In that void, your heart just keeps running on its own. Here, we will look a little more carefully at the feeling of not being able to rest while in a relationship.

A single reply changes your entire mood

In the morning, you get a kind reply from them.

That alone makes the world feel a little brighter.
It makes you think that today might be okay.
Your steps toward work feel a little lighter, too.

But, conversely, on days when there is no reply, your heart sinks just from that.

You check your phone, but there are no notifications.
They have read your message, but there is no reply.
It's the time they usually reply, but today, nothing comes.

It's just such a small thing, yet it completely takes over your mood.

Even when you're doing things right in front of you, your heart is always on the chat screen.
Even when you're talking to people, your mind is somewhere else.
Every time your phone lights up, you react, and when you realize it's a different notification, you feel a little disappointed.

You think to yourself, too.

“It’s exhausting to feel this down over a single reply.”
“I wish I could just wait more normally.”
“Why am I being swayed like this?”

But you can't wait.

It's not so much that you want a reply, but that you want reassurance.
You want to confirm that you are still in their heart.

When relationship anxiety is strong, LINE stops being just a means of communication.

Am I loved?
Am I being cherished?
Am I being put on the back burner?
Have they already lost interest in me?

It becomes a place to measure those kinds of things.

That is why your mood changes so drastically depending on whether a reply comes or not.

In truth, you don't want your day to be swayed only by their replies.
Even though you know that, your heart reacts on its own.

I think that 'knowing it but being unable to stop it' is the pain of relationship anxiety.

Anxiety grows during the time you aren't together

When you are together, you can feel a little at ease.

You can see their expression.
You can hear their voice.
There is the warmth of them being right next to you.
When you see them smiling, you can think, 'Maybe it's okay.'

But when the time comes that you can't meet, that reassurance gradually fades away.

They were so kind yesterday.
They told me they loved me just the other day.
I was so happy when we were together.

Even so, the longer we spend apart, the more the anxiety returns.

“What are they doing right now?”
“Are they thinking about me?”
“Am I the only one who wants to see them?”
“They seem fine, so why am I in so much pain?”

The time spent apart doesn't just feel like a blank space; it becomes a place where anxiety grows.

A day off with no plans.
The time spent alone in my room at night.
The time I spend looking at my phone before bed.
The time I spend checking their social media.

In those casual moments, anxiety grows quietly.

It’s not that the other person did anything wrong.
But because I can't see them, I'm afraid.

I can't see their feelings.
I can't see their daily life.
I don't know how big my existence is to them.

My heart can't bear that uncertainty.

People who suffer from romantic anxiety often feel like they are constantly 'in a relationship,' not just when they are with their partner, but even when they are apart.

The other person might be living their life as usual.
But I am constantly thinking about their feelings.

This gap only intensifies the loneliness.

“Am I the only one thinking about this so much?”

The moment I think that, the love that should be enjoyable turns into a heavy burden I have to carry alone.

I love them, but I rarely feel at ease.

I have someone I love, yet I cannot feel at peace.

This is a very painful thing.

In truth, I thought love was supposed to be something calmer.
I thought just being connected to the person I love would be enough to feel at ease.
I thought that if I felt cherished, the anxiety would disappear.

But in reality, the time spent feeling anxious is longer than the time spent feeling at ease.

I feel a little satisfied right after we meet.
I feel a little calmer on the days they say something kind.
But soon, I become anxious again.

"When can I see you next?"
"Was he a bit cold today?"
"Does he really love me?"

Even though you should feel secure, that sense of security doesn't last.

That is what's painful.

People who struggle with relationship anxiety often seem like they want to be loved more, but in reality, they are mostly wishing to increase the amount of time they can feel secure.

You just want to be calm.
You want to be able to trust the person you love.
You want to live your own life properly, even while waiting for a reply.

But you can't.

So, you end up blaming yourself.

"Feeling this anxious makes it seem like I don't trust them."
"I hate that I keep doubting them even though I love them."
"They must be getting tired of me, too."

But not being able to feel secure doesn't necessarily mean you aren't loving them enough.

It might just be that your foundation of security is still weak.
You might be carrying experiences from past relationships or human connections where you were suddenly abandoned or your feelings weren't accepted.
It might have become difficult for you to hold onto the feeling of being loved within yourself.

It is not uncommon for people to feel, "Why is it only in relationships that I suffer so much?"
Especially for those who feel like their anxiety becomes unstoppable when it comes to romance, I think Article 01, "Relationship Anxious Attachment," has many points that will resonate.

What is truly painful is not being able to stop your "overthinking self"

One of the reasons relationship anxiety is painful is not the anxiety itself, but the fact that the thoughts triggered by that anxiety won't stop. A late reply, a slightly curt tone, plans not being set. From a single event, a multitude of negative scenarios expand in your mind. You want to stop, but you can't. When that state continues, you become exhausted not just with the relationship, but with yourself.

Imagining the worst just because a reply is late

A reply is late.

If that's all it is, there are actually countless reasons for it.

They are busy.
They are sleeping.
Work is running late.
They aren't looking at their phone.
They missed the timing to reply.

In your head, you try to think that way.

But for some reason, when you are anxious, your heart chooses the scariest answer.

Maybe they've lost interest.
Maybe there's someone else they're interested in.
Maybe my text was too heavy.
Maybe they've gotten tired of me.

Even though I don't know anything yet, in my head, the relationship is already coming to an end.

During the time I haven't received a reply, I imagine the scene of our breakup over and over.
I anticipate a future where I'm treated coldly and end up hurting myself for no reason.
By the time the reply arrives, my heart is already exhausted.

And then, a reply comes as if nothing happened.

Sorry, I was asleep.
I just finished work.
I just saw this.

In that moment, I feel a little relieved.
But at the same time, I feel ashamed of myself for being so distraught.

Why did I get so anxious?
I was imagining the worst again.
It only tires me out.

I know that.

But the next time it happens, I get anxious all over again.

The pain of relationship anxiety also lies in the fact that it makes you feel like you can't learn from your mistakes.

It was fine last time, too.
Even though I know I'm overthinking it.
Still, when that moment comes, I can't trust my heart.

That's not because you have a weak will, but because the anxiety response happens first.

The moment your heart feels like you might lose them again, the fear becomes stronger than any rational reason.

So, I think you shouldn't blame yourself too much for imagining the worst-case scenario.

Searching for reasons why you were disliked all by yourself

I feel like their attitude has changed a little.

Their voice was low.
Their text was short.
They don't say they want to see me as much as before.
I feel a sense of distance for some reason.

From the moment I think that, the search for reasons begins in my head.

Did I do something?
Was the way I said that the other day bad?
Did they think I was being selfish?
Did they think I was a bother?
Is there another reason?

I haven't confirmed it with them.
I don't even know if they really dislike me.

Even so, in your own mind, you have already assumed that you are disliked.

And you keep searching for the reason for that all by yourself.

You reread past messages.
You recall conversations.
You reflect on your own words over and over.
You look for moments where the other person's reaction was poor.

It is as if you are holding a trial inside yourself.

You gather evidence,
you doubt yourself,
you blame yourself,
and in the end, you think, 'Maybe it really was my fault.'

But you cannot truly know the other person's feelings.

Because you don't know, it is scary.
Because it is scary, it is easier to accept if you blame yourself.

Sometimes, thinking 'it was my fault' is more settling than 'I don't know how they feel' because at least there is a reason.

But that is a very painful way to find peace.

When you try to process anxiety by blaming yourself, your heart shrinks more and more.
In a relationship, you always end up being the one who is apologizing.

In reality, it is something happening between two people.
The other person's mood, circumstances, and awkwardness must also be factors.

If you take responsibility for everything, the relationship becomes very lonely.

The thought 'maybe they thought I was too heavy' won't leave your mind

You felt anxious and sent a slightly long message.

You said, 'I'm lonely.'
You said, 'I want you to contact me more.'
You told them, 'I feel anxious.'

Before you sent it, you couldn't help but say it.

If you had kept holding it in, it would have been too painful, so you gathered your courage to tell them, wanting them to understand even a little.

Yet, immediately after sending it, a different kind of anxiety begins.

Was I too heavy?
Did I turn them off?
I shouldn't have said that.
What if they hate me now?

After pressing the send button, you reread the message over and over.
Your chest tightens until you get a reply.
Even when you get a reply, if it feels shorter than usual, you become anxious all over again.

Even though I should have been able to speak my true feelings, I can't feel at ease.

In fact, I become afraid of 'myself for having revealed my true feelings'.

People who struggle with romantic anxiety tend to feel guilty about expressing their own feelings.

Saying you're lonely.
Saying you want to see them.
Telling them you're anxious.
Wanting them to cherish you more.

You immediately associate these things with being 'heavy'.

But having emotions in itself is not heavy.

The problem lies in how you communicate, the frequency, and the balance of the relationship; feeling lonely is not wrong in itself.

Even so, when romantic anxiety is strong, you treat your own emotions like dangerous goods.

If I express it, I'll be hated.
If I show it, they'll leave.
If I ask for it, I'll be a burden.

Because you think that way, you can't say it.
But because you can't say it, you suffer.

For many, the time spent constantly thinking in their heads is more painful than the anxiety itself.
If you have a feeling of being unable to endure the 'time when you don't know the other person's feelings,' I think you will also find Article 06, 'I don't know the other person's feelings,' very relatable.

Those who struggle with romantic anxiety have been trying their best

People with strong romantic anxiety tend to blame themselves as being 'troublesome,' 'heavy,' or 'lacking composure.' But in reality, many have been reading the room all along, holding back to avoid being disliked, and putting their own anxiety on the back burner. Hidden deep within the pain, there is often not selfishness, but the exhaustion of having tried too hard.

I've been reading the room to avoid being disliked

People who struggle with romantic anxiety are sensitive to the small changes in their partner.

The speed of replies.
The length of messages.
The presence or absence of emojis.
The tone of voice.
The expression when you meet.
The level of enthusiasm when making plans.

If there is even the slightest sense of discomfort, you notice it immediately.

But I don't think that's just because you're nervous.

Perhaps you have been protecting yourself by reading people's feelings all this time.

Noticing before the other person gets in a bad mood.
Choosing words before being disliked.
Trying to be a good person before being distanced.
Imagining the other person's reaction before revealing your true feelings.

That is how you have been trying your best to keep the relationship from breaking.

When it comes to romance, that habit can sometimes become even stronger.

Being disliked by someone you love is much scarier than in ordinary human relationships. So, you read more into things. You try to sense more. You try to stay one step ahead.

“Would it be annoying if I said this now?”
“Would it be a bother if I contacted them at this time?”
“Would it be too heavy if I said I wanted to see them?”

It may seem like you are valuing the other person's feelings, but in reality, your own heart is constantly tense.

Reading the room is a form of kindness. But if you read it too much, you start to run out of space to breathe yourself.

You think so much about what the other person might think that you lose track of how you actually feel.

That is an incredibly exhausting thing to do.

Prioritizing the other person and swallowing your own anxiety

Because they seem busy, you don't say you're lonely. Because they seem tired, you don't say you want to see them. Because you don't want to be a burden, you hide your anxiety. Because you don't want to be disliked, you swallow your true feelings.

I think many people have prioritized their partner in that way.

In truth, you are suffering. But you worry that saying something might trouble them. In truth, you want more contact. But you don't want to be seen as clingy.

So, you say, “I'm fine.”

Even though you are not fine at all. Even though you are on the verge of tears while looking at your phone. Even though your heart is being worn down just by waiting for a reply.

Even so, you say, “I'm fine.”

People who suffer from relationship anxiety aren't necessarily struggling because they are being too selfish.

On the contrary, they are often struggling because they are unable to say what they want to say.

When you keep swallowing your own anxiety, feelings with nowhere to go start to pile up inside your heart.

Loneliness. Dissatisfaction. Fear. Anger. The desire to be understood.

But because you cannot express them, they overflow in other ways.

You suddenly burst into tears.
Your anxiety explodes over small things.
You are overly hurt by a casual remark from your partner.
You feel a pain so intense you don't even understand it yourself.

That might not be because your emotions are weak, but because you have been holding them in for so long.

The emotions you have swallowed haven't disappeared.

They pile up where they cannot be seen, and one day, they make your heart feel heavy.

The more you pretend to be okay, the more painful it becomes

People with strong relationship anxiety often end up pretending to be fine.

You respond cheerfully even though you are actually anxious.
You laugh it off even though you are actually hurt.
You act like it's nothing even though you actually want to hear more.

I don't want to be a burden.
I don't want to be seen as troublesome.
I want to be someone who is composed.

Thinking this way, you try hard to act like you are fine.

But the more you pretend to be fine, the more lonely you become inside.

Your partner doesn't know you are suffering so much.
Because you said you were okay, they think you are okay.
But inside, your loneliness grows, wondering, 'Why don't you notice?'

Because you haven't said it, they don't understand.
But you are afraid to say it.

That dilemma is what makes it so painful.

Relationship anxiety is a form of suffering that is hard to see.

From the outside, it might look like you are in a normal relationship.
Friends might say you seem to be doing well.
Your partner might even say, 'Were you that anxious?'

But inside yourself, you are constantly fighting.

To send or not to send.
To ask or not to ask.
To hold it in or to speak up.
To trust or to doubt.

You are using your emotional energy on every single choice.

That is why you are tired.

People with strong relationship anxiety aren't suffering because they are 'selfish'; in fact, many of them have been holding things in for a long time.
For those who feel they want to 'find true peace of mind' rather than just 'get rid of anxiety,' I think Article 03, 'Overcoming Anxious Attachment in Relationships,' will also be very relevant.

The more you check to feel secure, the stronger your anxiety becomes

When people feel anxious, they want to seek reassurance. For those struggling with relationship anxiety, that reassurance often takes the form of checking LINE replies, seeking confirmation of affection, or monitoring the other person's attitude. However, even if checking provides temporary relief, the anxiety often returns quickly. Here, we will organize the cycle of how suffering increases even though you only want to feel secure, without blaming yourself.

Reading through LINE messages over and over

You find yourself reading through your LINE messages with your partner over and over again.

When was the last reply?
What was the tone of the message?
Has it become shorter than before?
Are there fewer emojis?
Didn't the 'see you later' feel cold?

Even you don't know what you are looking for as you scroll up and down the chat screen.

When you find kind words from the past, you feel a little relieved.
But that relief fades quickly.

'They might have loved me then, but what about now?'
'They were so kind before, but it's different lately'
'Are they losing interest after all?'

You checked to feel secure, but instead, you end up looking for evidence of your anxiety.

When relationship anxiety is strong, your heart tries to find 'evidence of danger' rather than 'evidence that things are okay.'

Because you don't want to get hurt.
Because you want to notice before you are abandoned.
Because you are afraid of it ending suddenly.

That is why you check repeatedly.

But you cannot fully know the other person's feelings just from LINE messages.

They might have just been tired.
They might have just been busy.
They might have replied briefly without thinking anything of it.

Even so, an anxious heart tries to find meaning in those messages.

'What does this sentence mean?'
'They were kinder the other day'
'Does this mean they want to distance themselves?'

LINE is convenient, but when relationship anxiety is strong, it can also become a place that drains your heart.

Even if you keep looking for answers on the screen, it is hard to reach true peace of mind.

And that is what makes it painful again.

Seeking reassurance of love only provides temporary relief

You ask, "Do you love me?"

The other person says, "I love you."

In that moment, you feel a little relieved.
The restlessness deep in your chest calms down.
You think, "That's a relief."

But after a while, you become anxious again.

"Do you really mean it?"
"Did I make you say that?"
"Did you just say it because it was a hassle?"
"If you loved me, wouldn't you contact me more?"

Seeking reassurance of love certainly provides temporary relief.

However, if that relief doesn't stay within you, you will need to confirm it again.

You confirm.
You feel relieved.
You become anxious again.
You want to confirm again.

This cycle exhausts both you and your partner.

But the person who wants to confirm doesn't want to trouble their partner.

It's just that the anxiety is too painful.
You want to feel relieved right now.
If things stay like this, your heart won't hold up.

That's why you end up asking.

For those who suffer from relationship anxiety, seeking reassurance is like a life preserver.

When you feel like you're sinking, you cling to your partner's words.
With the words "I love you," you float back up just a little.

But if you keep clinging only to your partner's words, it becomes difficult to develop the strength to float on your own.

Your partner's expressions of love are important.
If your partner gives you words that make you feel secure, that is something you should cherish.

However, if you try to support all of your anxiety with just that, your heart will become unstable again.

Security is something you receive from your partner.
But sometimes, that alone is not enough.

I think that reality is a little painful.

The 'I want more' feeling that won't stop

When relationship anxiety is strong, reassurance is never enough for long.

You told me you loved me yesterday.
But you haven't said it today.

You met me the other day.
But our next plans aren't set.

I got a reply.
But the message was short.

You called me.
But your voice sounded tired.

Even when there is evidence to feel secure, I find gaps of anxiety within it.

And then, I want more.

I want you to message me more.
I want you to put it into words more.
I want you to say you want to see me more.
I want you to show me more that you cherish me.

In truth, I don't want to be demanding.
I don't want to be a burden to you.
But the feeling of not having enough won't go away.

This 'I want more' feeling might be less about being selfish and more like the bottom of my sense of security has fallen out.

No matter how much I pour in, the anxiety leaks out immediately.
Even though I should be satisfied, I feel empty again right away.

That's why I get scared of myself, too.

'No matter how much I'm loved, will I never be satisfied?'
'It must be exhausting for you to be with someone like me.'
'I wish I could just accept happiness more normally.'

And so, I blame myself again.

But deep down, behind the 'I want more' feeling, there might be a sense of security that has been missing for a long time.

It isn't just a problem with your current partner; sometimes, past loneliness and anxiety pile up and manifest strongly in the relationship right in front of you.

That is why it's not just about enduring it, nor is it about having your partner fulfill everything for you.

I think it is necessary to look, little by little, at the 'inability to feel secure' that exists within yourself.

Relationship anxiety can sometimes become stronger the more you think, 'I'll feel secure if I just check.'
Especially for those whose feelings are easily swayed by replies or attitudes, I think Article 24, 'Relationship Anxiety Type: LINE,' will feel quite relatable.

The first thing I needed to do was stop blaming my 'anxious self'

When relationship anxiety becomes painful, many people think, 'I have to get rid of this anxiety.' But before trying to erase that anxiety, what you might need is to loosen your grip on blaming yourself for feeling anxious. There is a reason for your anxiety. The desire to love, the fear of losing someone, the pain you've been carrying alone. If you keep blaming yourself without looking at that background, your heart will only feel more cornered.

You feel anxious because you have a desire to love

Sometimes, you might end up hating yourself for feeling anxious in a relationship.

I wish I could love more lightly.
I wish I had more composure.
I want to be someone who can trust their partner.

The more I think that way, the more pathetic my anxious self seems.

But you don't feel anxious because you don't care.

It's because you truly want to love.
Because you want to cherish them.
Because you don't want to lose them.
Because you want to protect this relationship.

Because you have those feelings, you sometimes feel anxious.

Of course, if the anxiety becomes too strong, it will make both you and your partner suffer.
But if you label the existence of anxiety itself as 'bad,' you end up denying the important feelings within you as well.

Deep inside your anxiety, there is a wish.

I want to love with peace of mind.
I want to be cherished.
I want to trust my partner.
I want to feel that I am also being valued.

When those wishes aren't being met well, they might manifest in the form of anxiety.

That is why, when you feel anxious, the first thing you need is not to think,
'It's the worst that I'm anxious again,'
but instead,

'What am I afraid of right now?'
'What is it that I truly want?'

I believe it is about looking at those things for yourself.

Understand yourself before you blame yourself.

That alone won't make the anxiety disappear instantly.
But at the very least, you won't have to make an enemy of yourself.

When relationship anxiety is painful, if you also blame yourself, your heart will have nowhere left to turn.

First, come back to yourself.

Perhaps it is only from there that you can begin to build a sense of security.

The reason it was so painful is that you have been carrying it all alone.

Relationship anxiety is something that is difficult to talk to others about.

Even if you talk to a friend, they might say,
"Aren't you overthinking it?"
"You should just leave someone like that."
"You need to value yourself more."

Of course, there are times when those words aren't wrong.

But what someone who is suffering right now really wants, more than logical advice, is simply to be understood first.

"That must be tough, isn't it?"
"You can't stop thinking about it, can you?"
"There's a reason you're feeling anxious, isn't there?"

Just by having someone say those things, you might be able to let your guard down a little.

However, many people are carrying it alone without ever hearing those words.

Staring at your phone in the middle of the night, waiting for a reply over and over.
You want to cry, but you can't tell anyone.
When morning comes, you go to work or school as usual.
You smile when you meet your friends.
But deep down, you are constantly carrying the weight of relationship anxiety.

That is an incredibly exhausting thing to go through.

Relationship anxiety is a type of fatigue that is hard to see from the outside.

It's not that you're physically ill.
It doesn't look like a reason to take time off work.
Even if you explain it to someone, it just sounds like typical relationship drama.

But for the person experiencing it, their entire life can be dragged down by that anxiety.

Food doesn't taste good.
The music you used to love doesn't resonate anymore.
You can't rest even on your days off.
You're afraid to look at your phone, but you can't help but check it.

When such small drains on your energy pile up, it's only natural to feel like you're completely worn out.

The longer you've been carrying it alone, the more hardened your heart becomes.

That's why I think it's okay to start by saying this to yourself:

"This has been really hard, hasn't it?"
"It was too heavy to carry all by yourself, wasn't it?"

Sometimes, just hearing those words can help ease the tension in your heart a little.

Peace of mind wasn't something to be created by the 'other person' alone

When romantic anxiety is strong, you tend to seek almost all your peace of mind from your partner.

I feel at ease if they reply.
I feel at ease if they say they love me.
I feel at ease if we meet.
I feel at ease if they are kind to me.

Of course, that is only natural.

Romance is not something you do alone, and it is important to receive reassurance from your partner's words and actions.
There is also no need to force yourself to handle a relationship with someone who keeps making you anxious all on your own.

However, if you entrust all of your peace of mind solely to your partner, your heart will become very unstable.

They reply late due to their own circumstances.
They are tired and become less talkative.
They are busy and days go by without meeting.

Every time that happens, your sense of security completely collapses.

That is why, even if it is just a little at a time, you need to create a place for peace of mind within yourself as well.

When you feel anxious, write down your feelings.
Don't jump to the worst conclusion immediately; try setting it aside by saying, 'I don't know right now.'
While waiting for a reply, return a little bit to your own life.
Drink your favorite beverage.
Go for a walk.
Talk to someone.
Sleep if you can.

Such small things won't make romantic anxiety disappear immediately.

But they do help bring back a heart that was clinging only to the other person's reactions, just a little bit closer to yourself.

Peace of mind is something you receive from your partner.
And it is also something you cultivate again within yourself.

I believe that having both of these makes it easier for love to breathe, little by little.

On days when you think, 'I'm already exhausted,' it's okay to stop for a moment

When romantic anxiety continues, your mental stamina is gradually worn down. You love them but it's painful; you don't want to leave but you're tired; yet you can't stop the anxiety. When days like that continue, you might start to think, 'Maybe I'm not cut out for romance.' However, what you need right now is not to blame and push yourself, but perhaps to stop once and sort through your current pain.

You don't have to keep exhausting your heart on romance alone

It is okay for romance to be the center of your life.

The time you spend thinking about the person you love increases.
You look forward to the days you can meet.
You feel happy when you get a message.
The person's presence becomes your daily support.

That in itself is not a bad thing.

However, if you are constantly exhausting your heart just on a relationship, I think it is okay to pause for a moment.

Checking for notifications from them the moment you wake up in the morning.
If there is no reply, the whole day feels heavy.
Thinking about them in fleeting moments even while at work.
Unable to sleep at night due to anxiety.
Even on your days off, your mood is determined by whether or not you hear from them.

If that continues, your heart loses its place to rest.

Even if a relationship is important, it is not your entire life.
Even if your partner is important, they are not the entity that determines your entire worth.

But when anxiety is strong, it becomes impossible to see that.

You feel as if their reaction is your own worth.
You feel as if not getting a reply is a rejection of yourself.
You feel as if not being able to meet is proof that you are not loved.

When your heart is tired in that way, rather than rushing to find answers in your relationship, you first need to let yourself rest a little.

You don't have to decide anything right now.
You don't have to be strong right now.
You don't have to make the anxiety disappear right now.

It is enough to just acknowledge, 'I am quite tired.'

Noticing that you are tired is not running away.

Rather, it is an important sign to prevent yourself from breaking down any further.

It was more important to organize your anxiety than to make it disappear

When relationship anxiety is painful, many people think, 'I want to make this anxiety go away quickly.'

If the anxiety were gone, I would feel better.
If I stopped overthinking, I could have a normal relationship.
If I had more composure, things would go well with my partner.

It is natural to think that way.

However, the more you try to make the anxiety disappear, the more you may end up blaming yourself for feeling anxious.

'I'm anxious again.'
'I haven't changed at all.'
'I really am too heavy.'
'I won't be loved if I'm like this.'

That is how self-denial piles up on top of anxiety.

So, I think what is needed first is not to make the anxiety disappear, but to organize it.

What are you afraid of right now?
What do you feel you are about to lose?
What actions of the other person are you reacting to?
What did you actually want to say?
What are you holding back?

Put those things into words, one by one.

For example, instead of just 'I'm anxious because the reply is late,' try:
'When the reply is late, I feel sad because I feel like I've been put on the back burner.'
'I'm scared because I feel like my existence has become smaller to them.'
'I'm afraid that they might suddenly leave me again.'

Once you can see that far, the shape of your anxiety becomes a little clearer.

When you can see the shape, it becomes a little easier to handle.

It's not just a big, vague anxiety, but you realize it was:
'The fear of being abandoned'
'The sadness of not being cherished'
'The pain of not being able to speak your true feelings'

Even just that can help clear your mind a little.

Anxiety might not be an enemy that must be erased, but a sign letting you know about the pain inside you.

When you can think that way, your perspective on yourself changes just a little.

Even just understanding your current self makes it a little easier to breathe.

When romantic anxiety is painful, I don't think you need to try to change anything immediately.

I have to become someone who doesn't care about replies.
I have to stop being dependent on the other person.
I have to be more independent.
I have to hide my anxiety.

The more you try to change yourself like that, the more exhausted your heart can become.

Of course, it is important to change little by little.
But what is needed before that is to understand your current self.

Why do I get so anxious?
Why am I swayed by replies?
Why am I scared when I can't see the other person's feelings?
Why do I feel guilty about speaking my true feelings?
Why can't I feel secure even though I should be loved?

As you start to see that little by little, the way you feel about the same anxiety will change.

Instead of 'I am strange,'
'I might have been carrying reasons that make it impossible for me to feel secure.'

Just being able to think that makes it a little easier to breathe.

Romantic anxiety is not something that disappears just by sheer willpower.

But there are things that can be organized a little by putting them into words.
By knowing your own patterns, you can sometimes take a little distance.
By stopping the self-blame, your heart can sometimes rest a little.

It might not make your love life easier right today.

Even so, if you can think,
“The pain wasn't just because my love was too heavy,”
“Maybe there was a real reason for it,”

then that is a small change.

To those who have read this far and felt,
“Maybe relationships involve more pain than joy,”
this is for you.

Relationship anxiety has a kind of pain that cannot be explained away simply by saying you are
“worrying too much”
or are
“too heavy.”

In particular,

・Why the anxiety won't stop
・Why you can't feel secure
・Why you end up centering your life around your partner

there are real reasons for these things.

In my paid note, I organize the thought patterns common to those with anxious attachment styles,
the behaviors that tend to worsen anxiety,
and ways to gradually rebuild a sense of security,
all from a perspective of not blaming yourself.

“I want to put my current pain into words a little more.”

Please read it whenever you feel that way.