The intensity of emotions has little to do with loving someone

Calling strong emotions directed at someone 'love' is actually not very appropriate. To love someone well, you need the capacity to love, and that involves the concepts of skill and training.

In the first place, is love even an emotion?

There are people who say they like someone very much and love them intensely. In contrast, I feel that the intensity of affection as it is commonly thought of is not actually that important.

If there is someone who can love another person, that person should be able to cherish others they interact with on a more daily basis just as well. The reason is that love is not an emotion that occurs at a specific moment, but rather a matter of the internal structure of a person's mind—more specifically, the result of skill and training.

Love is not a single powerful arrow aimed at a specific person. It is a more directionless quality that is constantly maintained within the person themselves. It does not require strength or intensity as an emotion. The idea that a powerful arrow is affection is, in most cases, a misunderstanding by one or both parties, and in reality, it is often just an expression of obsession. Obsession is different from affection, and it does not possess the value commonly associated with the word 'love'.

I am using the word 'skill,' but I do not mean to talk about superficial techniques for being popular. When people do something, skills are involved in almost every area. If you look at the world, there are hardly any jobs that do not require skills. Skills are needed for office work and professional jobs, and hobbies like playing an instrument or painting should not be dismissed with simple words like 'sense' or 'sensibility.' These fields of creation and expression are also actually built upon skill and training.

Even when dealing with worries or negative feelings in a more daily context, the skill of managing one's own mind is involved. Being able to have affection for someone is a part of these 'general mental skills for living'.

You cannot do anything with just the intensity of your feelings

When you say you are affectionate toward someone, what kind of behavior do you exhibit? Expressing gratitude on a daily basis, being kind, and being able to act with consideration for the other person. Being able to apologize properly when you have done something wrong. Being able to discuss things properly when you have requests for the other person or when you feel friction or misunderstandings. These are the things that come to mind immediately.

Executing these is also a matter of skill. Most people have some form of kindness or consideration in their hearts, and there are not many self-centered people who act only out of greed and calculation. However, whether or not one can express that humanity appropriately in the right situation depends entirely on the abilities that person has acquired.

You might think, what kind of ability is needed just to say 'thank you' or 'I'm sorry' to someone? But you probably know that there is a significant percentage of people in the world who are completely unable to say such things.

And within human relationships, there are obvious realities such as 'the other person and I are beings with separate values' and 'you cannot directly read another person's mind.' This is knowledge about reality, but simply knowing it in your head is not enough.

Since real human relationships almost never go exactly as planned, people get frustrated with the other person, or conversely, lose confidence and courage and withdraw, avoiding deep human relationships where they could have gained something valuable. To be able to deal with problems that arise between you and others with a calm mind, your heart needs to be trained to do so.

Paramedics can save people because they have professional skills and have undergone training to deal with situations appropriately, quickly, and calmly on the scene. You can never save people with just the power of compassion. Also, the reason why evacuation drills and crime prevention training are conducted from time to time is based on the idea that 'people can never suddenly do things in an emergency that they do not do on a regular basis'.

Considering these things, you can see that even if someone you suddenly want to cherish appears before you, you will not be able to suddenly start loving that person.

Leveling up for your own sake

There is often talk about whether 'friendship between men and women exists.' Personally, I feel that I can only say 'it depends on the person' (while it naturally occurs depending on the combination, there are also combinations where it is unlikely to occur at all), but when considering the topics of friendship and affection, there is another important point here.

That is, there are a considerable number of common items between building a very ordinary human relationship and building a relationship that can be called deep affection.

Taking workplace relationships as an example, this is not a group gathered because they like each other, so compared to ordinary friendships, the differences in positions, ways of thinking, and ways of feeling are greater. When proceeding with difficult matters, talk of adjusting interests and expectations also comes up. Given that background, there is almost no one in this world who has 'never been troubled by human relationships at work,' and that cannot be helped.

However, the skills acquired while seriously struggling here can actually be applied to more intimate relationships as well. If your relationship with someone of the opposite sex becomes very close, you will see weaknesses and flaws that you would not notice in an ordinary friendship, and if you end up living together, you will need to make much more practical adjustments regarding finances and lifestyle habits than before. This is not work, but in the sense that 'achieving something important requires the continuous effort of everyone involved,' it is no different from work.

That said, if you think of your entire life as work or ascetic training, it will simply become painful. I think it would be better if you could accept it as a form of enjoyment, like leveling up in a game, collecting powerful equipment, or deepening your knowledge and skills in a hobby. You cannot gain anything of value without putting in effort, so this effort is necessary.

Even for those who find it hard to get motivated to improve their skills for work, perhaps you could try a little harder if it were for your own more direct happiness. There is a kind of rule in human relationships that says, "You cannot make others happy unless you are happy yourself." If you can become happy yourself, it will likely have a positive influence on the people around you as well.

When understanding the capacity to love, it would not be appropriate to view it as a fleeting and unstable game like the romance commonly circulated in this world. Considering the point that love is a part of the structure of the heart, one can envision what lies beyond it as "the single structure called the heart, which you build within yourself over the decades of your life until you die." You can call it personality, character, or humanity; the name does not matter.

It is my belief that what is generally discussed using terms like "self-esteem" or "purpose in life" is merely one aspect of this single, large structure (that is, your own heart). I think that nurturing this is the greatest task we should undertake during our own lives, which are both long and short.

In the end, without it, life is nothing but empty. If you wish to be even slightly serious about living, don't we have no choice but to strive toward that?

Related Books

As a book that considers the meaning and richness of living from the perspective of "growth," there is the following book.

It was published a little over a year after I wrote this note, and since it delves more concretely into the ideas you have read so far, I think it will be useful for improving your own way of life.

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