July. I've drowned the 'I can't because I'm a mother' excuse in the public pool.

I'm shiiimo, a mother of five.

It feels like it's been a very long time since I wrote that line.

End of June. Feeling disgusted by the rainy season that showed no signs of ending.
I worked, took care of the kids, and finally, after they were asleep, I wrote on note and had a drink. I played in a badminton match and lost. I drank again at the post-game review, and went to work the next day with a puffy face. Before I knew it, I had aged.

Me. I thought this life was enough.

Even when July arrived, that didn't change.
I just felt that the note community around me was buzzing with something.

Creative Awards

As the July deadline approached, I felt that the challenges of various people and their thoughts were clearly focused on the 'Creative Awards'.
When I first started note, I heard about those 'Creative Awards' and thought:

'Huh. So there's a dream-like story like that. A note dream, huh.'

In other words, I decided to pretend to be a bystander from afar, assuming it had nothing to do with me. Even while saying that. Occasionally, on articles I thought, 'Didn't I write this well?', I tried adding the Creative Awards hashtag.

Well, if there really is a dream-like story...

While thinking that.
Every day, I worried about my children and pushed those emotions into note.
That's all I could do. I kept making excuses.

Likes, comments, follows, and article purchases.
Every time I received those, my heart as a 'mother noter' was filled.
My children's school non-attendance. Developmental disabilities.
I sometimes worried about those things, but I was saved by everyone's kindness.
How comfortable this place is. That is truly my honest feeling.

Yes. I don't want anything more than this.

Thinking that, I ended up seeing a shocking piece of work.

I had been secretly following her as a fan.
Seeing the title, I understood.
She is surely writing about 'that' thing. And not with half-hearted feelings.
I needed to prepare myself to read it.

When everyone had fallen asleep. I read it in a quiet room.

Indescribable emotions swirled in my heart. I wanted to leave something in the comments, but I realized I couldn't.

I am a person at the opposite pole of her past suffering. By the way, that's not about which is better or worse, but a matter of a horizontal axis.

I was writing note as a mother of many children, as that is what I consider my identity as a noter.

Meanwhile, Megumi Tico was an essayist named "Megumi Tico." Having made up her mind, she began calling herself that after leaving this article behind.

She said, "I'm going to win the Creative Award."
She said, "I'm going to publish a paper book."

I'm sure that will become possible. I could tell that everyone who read her writing was convinced of it. I felt the same way.

I pondered her soul's cry.
I wondered just how much of her life she had whittled away to write this.
And I realized I couldn't even leave a comment on this article.

That's because I am a "mother of many children." Honestly, that's part of it.
I don't know what words to offer. Whatever I say to her,
it would sound cheap.
Above all.

"I don't have this level of resolve."
That is what I felt.

I stopped myself from leaving a comment.
Instead, I decided to face myself.
The "shiiimo" that is me.

"I've done enough, I've given it my all,"
I had been clinging to the version of myself that once won a minor award for a novel,
repeating excuses to someone I didn't even know,
using being a mother of five as an excuse,
and trying to give up before I even started by saying, "I'm too busy, I can't do any more than this."

Even though I hadn't even begun my own story yet.

The day after I saw her work, I went to the public pool that the children had been looking forward to.
Watching the children playing and getting soaked, I, as a "mother," made sure they didn't drown, didn't bump into anyone, and didn't run. I split the duty of watching them with my husband.
While I was underwater holding my breath with my elementary school-aged daughters who were practicing swimming.

In the confusion,
I sank the version of myself that made excuses like "I can't because I'm a mother" to the bottom of the pool.

Triggered by my encounter with the "Creative Award" and the essayist "Megumi Tico," even though time was running out, I still...
Whittling myself down.
I decided that I wanted to create work as "shiiimo."
That said, of course, I have a life to lead. Honestly, I might not have had enough time.
But, very selfishly, I wanted to write something that I wouldn't be ashamed of in front of her, who had written her article by whittling away her own life. I couldn't sit still.

The version of me that made excuses like "because I'm a mother" is now at the bottom of the public pool.

However, even when it comes to novels, I can't write lies. I am a clumsy person who cannot supplement stories that are too far removed from myself with imagination. Therefore, I think this protagonist is close to me as a mother. But she is definitely not me.
But while writing, there were times when I couldn't stop the tears for some reason. I wanted to save her quickly. That's what I thought while writing.
Deep down, had I been harboring the same unrewarded feelings as the protagonist somewhere?

Even though what I was writing was different. Perhaps Megumi Tico was also shedding tears like this while whittling herself down to create her work. No. Surely, the weight of that is far beyond measure. Knowing that, I am writing this now.
In the middle of the night, while imagining such things, I raced to the very end to save the work I had created.

Having created a work, I felt a desire to show my reverence for her. In the article where she declared she would 'become an essayist,' I left a comment saying, 'I support you.'
She was already looking far ahead, quietly, passionately, and straightforwardly. That is what I felt.

What a cool woman 'Megumi Tico' is.
I have become even more of a fan.

I am going to the same public pool again tomorrow.
There, I will return to being 'me as a mother' once more.
I will start writing my note as a mother of five children again.
I have also set new goals for myself.

But I am leaving behind the version of myself that sank to the bottom—the one who said, 'I can't because I'm a mother.'

As a creator named 'shiiimo,' I want to continue moving forward straightforwardly, just like her.

As one 'woman' who was given a spark by you, I say this again.
I support your dream, Megumi Tico.

I cannot make a declaration as straightforwardly as you do.
But someday, I want to stand shoulder to shoulder with you.
I am serious about that feeling.

Please, continue to let me hear your passionate thoughts.

#CreativeAwardImpressions