[Trichotillomania/Depression] Clinic Diary #05 - Second Counseling Session

I am Kazuo Shirabe, also known as Shi-chan's master.
I suffer from mental health issues such as trichotillomania and depression, making it difficult to lead what is considered a healthy social life.

In early spring 2024, I made a fresh start and resumed care for the umpteenth time in my life.
To resolve my trichotillomania and various other troubles, I have started visiting a clinic (psychiatry) for the first time in a while, and this is an attempt to record that progress.

The clinic I started attending this spring operates on the policy of "not focusing on medication-centered treatment, but rather combining counseling with a psychologist and medical examinations to find solutions." It feels like I am alternating between medical exams and counseling.

Today is mid-April, and this is the record of my second counseling session.

・Between the previous medical exam and the second counseling session

I continued to feel unwell and was flying low, but then a decisive event occurred.

I had an interaction with my boss that forced me to feel, "This place really doesn't suit me," despite my efforts to keep working while feeling doubtful.

To put it plainly, it was a form of power harassment. Although I had been trying to brush it off until now, I felt, "I won't last if I keep dealing with this," and clearly decided, "I'm going to quit."

So, I started looking for my next job with incredible intensity... I applied to a company I had been checking out before. Other than that, I would look at job postings that seemed physically demanding for me right now but were rewarding, and I would imagine a daily routine where I thought, "If I try a little harder, maybe I can manage?" only to then cancel the idea by saying, "No, no, regardless of my ability or aptitude, I don't have the physical strength to work right now." That became my daily routine.

Thankfully, I was able to schedule an interview with the company I applied to, but even so, lingering attachments and guilt kept coming up regarding my current job, such as "Well, the job type itself is good," "Maybe I can keep going if I train my human skills," and "It feels bad to just quit." Because of the large fluctuations in the weather as well, I became completely emotionally unstable.
I had many hair-pulling episodes, my appetite became extreme, leading to overeating, and I didn't want to take a bath.

Since I was in that state, I consciously took time to write down my feelings in a notebook to organize them. It's quite difficult to write when I'm feeling restless, but I thought I needed to re-examine my work and my life in general, so I did my best ^^

But as a result, I realized something heavy: "I don't feel like it's okay for me to be alive," and "Even if I get better and return to society, I'll just end up falling apart again..." I felt a shudder realizing this was the core I had always been thinking about... but it was a place I had been trying not to look at... and my desire to have counseling as soon as possible grew stronger.

・Second counseling session

Thanks to the psychologist starting the conversation gently, I was able to talk about the fact that I am currently in a bad state and the topics I wanted to discuss today.

After stating that I had two topics, I conveyed, "I want to quit my job and am thinking about changing careers," and "I cannot picture the lifestyle I want. To escape from a terrible situation, I can come up with ideas to discipline my incapable self, but my brain doesn't work when it comes to my own peaceful and happy life, so I am in despair."

Regarding work, they listened to the reasons why I want to quit (my boss's power harassment), and they quietly told me that it was anachronistic, that this place is not the only job in the world, and that they support the decision I made after valuing the discomfort and feelings I felt.
Having the psychologist listen objectively and provide comments made me feel slightly calmer.

Regarding the sense of despair, I think I was able to talk about the "dark, honest feelings" I realized as a result of this "wanting to quit" incident.
That after I refresh or relax and loosen up, I inevitably feel unbearable, my hair-pulling increases, and guilt attacks me.
That when I thought about what the "lifestyle I want to aim for" was, which the doctor asked me in the previous medical exam, nothing came to mind at all.
And yet, despite not having hope for myself like that, I am tired of constantly thinking, "I should do this," "This will surely make me happy," "I should aim for this," and because I am a serious person, I move to action for the time being, only to end up exhausted...

They also asked simple questions about these points, and I was able to reconfirm that the influence of my parents is deeply rooted behind my guilt and self-blame.The values and words of my parents that entwine around my mental pillar are like an inseparable sea of heavy oil...I thought, and I felt truly ashamed while talking.

But,"It is possible to move away from that. Let's keep trying."They told me strongly, and I thought that although it is tough, I want to achieve true mental independence this time.

As homework (?) for next time, they asked me to "try to feel my own sensations first and make a note of them."
They said even a fleeting moment of feeling something is fine. I hope it becomes a note of feeling good things if possible, but well, we shall see how it goes...

So, that's all for today ^^

I've started to feel that being able to take action to change my current situation is a good thing after all.
However, maybe the problem is that I push myself too hard even when it's painful.

Also, I couldn't really talk about my hair pulling because it's become too much of a normal part of my life. I'm actually terrified because I've been pulling quite a bit, but I'll talk about that next time.

I will try to cherish my own feelings instead of brushing them aside.

Well then, see you later!