Raising a 3-year-old | I'm a mother, but I find myself not wanting to be touched

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When my 3-year-old son gets sleepy, he puts his hand inside my clothes and touches my upper arm.

At first, I thought,
"Maybe he wants to feel secure."
"He must be wanting to cuddle."
I thought that.

But, to be honest, I really hate that.
The feeling of having my upper arm touched makes me feel, how should I put it, creeped out.

And when he's sleepy, he keeps touching it the whole time.

Even if I tell him to stop, he touches me again.
Even if I move his hand away, he puts it back in.

Every time that happens, I get frustrated,

"I told you to stop already!!"I end up getting angry.

Having to endure something I dislike for so long,
and the fact that he ignores me and keeps doing it even after I say "stop,"
is painful and I just can't stand it.

But then, I start to feel miserable afterward.

My child just wants to be close to me. He just wants to feel secure.
Other children can cuddle with their mothers as much as they want,
so it's pitiful that my child gets scolded for touching me.

I wonder if I'm cold-hearted for not wanting to be touched.

Even though I'm a mother,
getting frustrated over something like that,
I wonder if I'm terrible.

That's why I've always thought,
"Is there something wrong with me?"

Honestly, it makes me want to cry.

I used to love bedtime.
It's not like we'll be able to sleep together for that long,
and it was so cute when Akkun would say "I'm sleeping with Mommy!" and snuggle up to me.

Even if I got frustrated when he wouldn't fall asleep for an hour,
I never thought I didn't want to put him to sleep.

But lately, it's been really bad.
No matter how many times I tell him to stop, he keeps doing it.
It's painful, frustrating, sad, and I feel guilty.

But when I looked it up,
I found quite a few mothers who were struggling with the same thing.

Upper arms. Elbows. Chest area. Inside my clothes.
My child doesn't mean any harm.
But,“being touched constantly”is exhausting.

And that makes me hate myself.

Oh, I thought, I'm not the only one.

Lately,

“No touching inside my clothes”
“Hugs are okay”
“Let's hold hands”
“Shall we touch this towel instead?”

I'm trying to replace the behavior
little by little like that.

There are days when it doesn't go well.
Maybe it's easier to touch when I'm wearing short sleeves, because he won't stop at all,

Especially when he's sleepy, he comes back no matter how many times I tell him.
When I say let's hold hands, he brushes my hand away.

Even so,
it's not that I want to reject Akkun.

It's just that I want to believe that my body
is not something that “has to endure everything forever.”

Just because I'm a mother doesn't mean I can keep accepting everything.
It's okay to have days when I don't want to be touched.

Even with boundaries, I still care for him deeply.

Lately, I've been trying to think that way.

That's how things are for us right now.
Knowing I'm not the only one struggling
made me feel a little more at ease.

I hope this reaches others who are struggling in the same way.

Once again, I'm Natsu.
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