Raising a 3-year-old | Days when I end up getting angry even though I don't want to

Hello, I'm Natsu.
Thank you as always for your likes and follows.

Today, I'm going to write about
“getting angry even though I don't want to.”

This has been a struggle of mine lately.
I don't think I used to be like this, but ever since I became a nurse, people have started telling me, “You seem kind of irritable.”

The frown lines between my eyebrows won't go away, and I feel irritable all the time...
I kept telling myself it couldn't be helped because it's a job where lives are at stake.

That's exactly why I wanted to be a mother who doesn't get angry.
In fact, for the first few years after my child was born, my irritability settled down.

Maybe it was because I wasn't working and could live at my own pace,
and while the frown lines didn't disappear, they faded a little.
I get annoyed with my husband, but I didn't understand why I would get annoyed with my child.

After all, I thought, they are just so cute.

I want to be kind,
I want to listen to them properly,
and I want to end the day with a smile before they go to sleep.

I want to say, “We had fun today, didn't we?” with a big smile before saying goodnight.

But lately,

“Hurry up.”
“I don't care anymore.”
“Why don't you do it even after I've told you so many times?”
“I told you to stop, didn't I?”
“Where is your answer?”

There are days when those are the only words that come out.

When we get home from daycare, the selfishness begins,
they throw a tantrum while eating,
they explode in the bath,
I get frustrated while putting them to bed,
and I feel self-loathing at night.

“I got angry again.”
“Maybe this is having a bad influence on my child.”
“Am I not cut out to be a mother?”

I was thinking about things like that all the time.

But, at some point, I started to think a little differently.

Maybe this isn't just a matter of personality.

Child-rearing is just a constant series of interruptions, isn't it?

I get called while I'm cooking.
I can't even go to the bathroom in peace.
I get spoken to the moment I sit down.

Everything I was thinking about or trying to do gets stopped halfway through.
And what's more, there's no end in sight.

While sleep-deprived,
I keep managing every day that doesn't go as planned.

It wasn't that I disliked my child,

“the state of constantly staying on high alert and managing everything alone”

I think I was just tired of that.

That's why, even when I tried to be kind through sheer willpower, it didn't last.

Is it right to indulge their selfishness,
or is it right to scold them right here and now?
Without the time to think or research that,
time passes in a rush, and I end up feeling irritated all the time.

Even when I want to do something about it,
I don't know when to switch gears.

Even if I try my best in the moment, when I have zero emotional capacity left, I explode again.

From there, little by little, I started thinking about
“systems”instead of “guts”.

For example,

It's just small things like that.

Honestly, not everything is going perfectly.

I still get irritated, and there are days when I get angry.

But rather than aiming to be a “mother who never gets angry,”

creating “a life where anger is less likely to explode”

was easier for me.

That is why

・Days I felt irritated
・Days I failed
・Things that didn't go well
・Tricks that made things a little easier

I intend to keep a proper record of these.

Instead of how to be a perfect mother,

a "system to keep from breaking down"

I want this to be a place where we can look for that together.

If there is anyone out there right now who is struggling, thinking,
"I don't want to get angry, but I end up getting angry,"

first of all, I want to tell you that you are not alone.

That's how it is for me right now, too,
pretty much.

I hope we can soon live a life where we don't have to get angry.

Once again, I'm Natsu.
The theme of this note is "Turning my whole life into notes."

Childcare, housework, home building, household budget management, and AI side hustles.
It's a place to record what happens in my daily life, organize "what is difficult," and create systems to make things run a little more easily.
And, not just posting, but


an experimental log of multi-genre posting, turning my whole life into contentI will record and analyze it as such.▼ If you're curious about "What kind of person is Natsu?", please check out my self-introduction.

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