Every Morning's "Don't Go to Work!!" | Parents Must Also Be Independent from Their Children ~The Science of Secure Bases~

I cried and cried,
even though I tried to stop them with all my might.

The moment Dad's figure disappeared,
they started playing as if nothing happened.

What on earth,
were those tears for?

At first, I too,
honestly, was a little hurt.


Morning.
The moment I tried to put on my shoes at the entrance,
my eldest son clung to my leg.

"Don't go!!"

Putting his whole weight into it,
he hung from my calf.

My second son,
whether he read the room or not,
jumped on the bandwagon and clung to my other leg.

With my children hanging from both legs,
I stood frozen at the entrance.
To put it mildly, it was a living hell.

"Dad, I don't want you to go."

My eldest son's eyes were bloodshot.
I have to go to work, but
my heart aches.

I had my wife peel the children off me,
and from the other side of the closing door,
cries that sounded like the end of the world echoed.

My feet felt heavy with guilt.
"Maybe I should just take the day off..."

As I thought about this in circles,
by the time I reached the station, I got a LINE message from my wife.

"They're playing normally now lol"

............Huh?

A photo was attached.
My eldest son, who until just a moment ago
must have been in the depths of despair,
was stacking blocks with a huge smile on his face.

You guys,
what were those tears for earlier?
Give me back my guilt.

However, when I looked into the science,
the true nature of those tears
was much deeper
than I had imagined.

Those cries were a "shout of trust"

There is a psychiatrist
named John Bowlby.
He is the father of
"Attachment Theory."

What this person revealed
pierced my heart.

According to Mr. Bowlby,
a child crying when parting from a parent
is a respectable attachment behavior
called "protest."

Crying. Clinging.
These are all,
"instincts to try to shorten the distance
with the person they love most."

In other words, that wailing at the entrance
was neither selfishness nor acting.

"You are an absolutely safe existence to me,
so I am scared to be apart from you."
It was a shout of trust.

There is a concept that for a child, a parent

is a "secure base."
When the secure base tries to leave,
they try to stop it with all their might.

That is a survival instinct.
If you translate those tears, it goes like this:
"Dad, you are my secure base.

Don't go anywhere."
......It makes me want to cry.
They didn't want to trouble me,

they were shouting with their whole body,
"You are important to me."

Then why do they stop crying in a "second"?

A question remains here.
Even though they cried so much,
why do they play the moment Dad disappears?

This also
has to do with how the brain works.

Please remember the story
of the "Porsche without brakes"
that I wrote about in a previous scroll.

A toddler's prefrontal cortex is still under basic construction.
Both the "power to dwell on the past"
and the "power to worry about the future" are immature.

Their brains are built
to react with full force to the "stimuli right in front of them."
* Dad is in front of me.

→ React with full force to the "fear of separation" (wailing).
* Dad's figure disappears.
→ There are "blocks" in front of me.
→ All nerves are overwritten by "fun stimuli."
This is not "forgetting."

The brain's channel has just switched.
It's the same mechanism as when you change the TV channel

and the previous program disappears.
In other words,

"They cried to stop me, but stopped crying immediately"
is not a contradiction.
Both are "normal,

and both moments are "for real."

Parents must also "become independent" from their children

Here, I will talk about the most important
"ninja technique."

It is about "mirror neurons."
In the human brain,
there are cells that automatically copy
the emotions of the person in front of you.

When they cry "Don't go" at the entrance,
a sense of "guilt" or "hesitation" is born in the parent's heart.

"Oh, you poor thing."
"I really feel reluctant to leave."

This"hesitation"faintly seeps into
the parent's expression and voice.
Then, the child's mirror neurons
instantly copy it.

"Dad looks anxious.
That means this is a really dangerous place!"
As a result, the child's panic

becomes even more intense.
That is precisely why

"parents becoming independent from their children"
becomes important.
Isn't the subject of the desire

"I want to hug them just a little longer"
not the child, but the "parent" who wants to resolve their own anxiety?
Children have the power to jump into the next world
once Dad is out of sight.

What parents should do
is not be a "sculptor" who controls the child,

but be a "gardener" who passes the baton
to the environment (nursery or wife).
The figure of a parent who can switch to their own life (work or hobbies)
without hesitation.

That "independence" is what
delivers the ultimate "peace of mind" to the child
through mirror neurons.

The drama at the entrance is proof of a 100-point score

That figure of "stopping crying in a second"
was proof of their trust in me.

"Dad will definitely come back."
Because they have that conviction,
they can move on to the next play with peace of mind.

If there really was no trust,
they would surely have an anxious face
even after you were out of sight.

Crying to stop you,
but then stopping crying and playing.
This is like a certificate
that "your love is reaching them with a perfect score."
So,

if you are clung to tomorrow morning,
put your guilt away for a moment.

Instead, say calmly,
"I'm going now. I'll definitely be back."

Without hesitation, smile, and close the door.

Your "smile without hesitation"

sends a signal of "safety" to that child's brain.
And when you return home,

hug them with all your might.
That is the "reboot" of the secure base.
You are, to that child,

the safest place in the world.
Hold your head high and head to your own battlefield.
Nin-nin!

---

If this scroll left even a little bit of an impression on your heart, please press the "Like (♡)" button below. It will become my HP for tomorrow.

#Essay #ParentingEssay #DadParenting #SeparationAnxiety #AttachmentTheory #MirrorNeurons