A couple whose only common ground was their children. That is very fragile. | Small realizations create me

I respect my husband.
But I cannot feel at ease.

We always had conversations.
Perhaps we were always talking.
About the children. About school. About extracurricular activities. Daily reports.

I would send photos and videos of the children I took to my husband via LINE.
Saying, "This is how it was today."
Then he would read it, send back a sticker, and
I felt like we were "having a conversation."

But maybe that wasn't a conversation at all.
I was just working hard to act as a "relay" connecting my husband and the children.

Broken, I stopped.
I stopped the daily reports.
I tried stopping from getting between the children and my husband.
Just by doing that, our conversations disappeared.



Perhaps my husband doesn't know me.
And I don't know my husband.

Not even his favorite food.
I don't know if he truly "likes" it, or if he just eats it out of habit.
I know the places that get him excited and the things he often buys, of course.

It's just, strangely, I've never asked, "Why do you like that?"

It's not that I'm not interested.
It's not that I dislike him.
I even respect him.
But I remain knowing nothing.

I don't step into my husband's "likes."
My husband doesn't step into my "likes" either.

That is our sense of distance.
It's not bad.
But it's not deep either.
And that is very fragile.



There was no sense of security.
In the first place, we don't know what a sense of security is.

I have always wanted a "sense of security."
But in truth, I became an adult without really knowing what a "sense of security" is.

What does it mean to feel at ease?
How do you let your guard down around someone?

I have no memories of relying on my parents.
I couldn't consult with any relatives, anyone.
I felt that if I didn't hold myself together, everything would collapse.
I could only survive by working hard.

"Marriage" was on that extension.
"Becoming a mother" was there too.

I have run through life with all my might as both a mother and a wife. I acted as if I were building a happy family. But there was no security there.

I don't want my children to go without.
With that single thought, I keep moving today.
But the more I try to be a "good mother," the more I break.

We were a couple whose only common ground was our children. We knew nothing else.

My eldest daughter is 12, my eldest son is 10, and my second daughter is 6.

I, who could only find my value by working hard, only after my health collapsed—
Having lived for 40 years, finally.
Perhaps I am starting to face "what family is."



Now, I am trying to hold a "question"

It's not that I want to have fun conversations with my husband.
It's not that I want to discuss things with a serious look either.
I think, perhaps, I just "want to know."

Why did you come to like that?
With what kind of feelings do you choose that?


Knowing won't change anything dramatically, but
I believe that question
has the power to open the "door" between us as a couple just a little bit.



I want to ask you.

Do you know your husband?
Are you able to talk about yourself?

What you like, what you fear, and what you are tired of.
Have you ever wanted someone to know you in the true sense?

I want to be known now.
At the same time, I strongly wish to know.

A sense of security is surely something we give to each other.
I live wanting to believe that.



I am at rock bottom right now.
But from here, I want to prove a "life with a sense of security,"
with my own hands, little by little.

If you'd like, please leave a comment with the true voice in your heart that you couldn't tell anyone.
Since I am like this, I am not good at replying to comments, but I am reading them with care🌱
May your heart also loosen up a little.

✍️By writing down "my true voice" on note, I am somehow managing to live today.

📖Thank you for reading until the end.

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