It is a huge mistake to try to do what you want to do with someone else

I truly believe that human misunderstandings occur because we end up having expectations of others.

People have things they should do based on their own values, hobbies, and thought processes, and when they find someone close to them, they sometimes start expecting those same things from that person. It is not uncommon for people to seek synchronization, such as eating the same meals or spending weekends in the same way. Many people probably cannot stop doing this even if they are aware of it.

Some argue that not having expectations is indifference, and that we have expectations because we care or have affection for someone, while others say that not having expectations or attachments is not love. I think those ideas are also correct, and I also think that if you lose your humanity, it becomes rather dull.

However, if asked whether it is worth respecting these feelings of expectation even at the cost of bickering or clouding one's feelings, the answer is no. Because the emotion of being satisfied because someone does something for you runs wild, controlling others becomes a necessary condition for your own satisfaction.

The range within your own control = 100% of your emotions = A. The part where you are satisfied by the other person's actions or results = more than 100% plus alpha = B.

If you perceive it this way, you will consider it lucky if something happy happens, and you won't be particularly bothered by the actions of others. Since you treat it as an internal part of your own emotional meter, you get frustrated if it's not there, but if you treat it as an external factor, it is merely an option, like a green car seat or a luxury meal. Because the existence and actions of others are just 'it would be nice if,' you can interact with them with composure, but if you think 'it must be such and such,' you end up entrusting your mood to others. A+B=100% is not good enough.

I have no expectations of my wife. However, there is one thing I hope for from her, and if possible, I would like her to fulfill it. That is to be smiling and to be in a good mood. As long as I can see my wife's smile, the rest doesn't matter. Conversely, if the person I am with has a painful look on their face, looks distressed, is in a bad mood, or is irritated, I also become sad and feel suffocated. I told her carefully many times before we got married that I wanted her to do what she wants to do, not what she should do. At first, my wife felt uncomfortable with not being asked, expected, or forced to do anything based on her past experiences, but she has gradually become accustomed to this atmosphere.

That is why I let my wife live a free life. When people around us find out that my wife doesn't work and doesn't have children, they sometimes ask things like, 'Doesn't your wife work?' But unless my wife has a job she wants to do, I am 100 times more satisfied if she just plays around and stays in a good mood rather than forcing her to work out of a sense of obligation to match her husband, which would leave her with no time for herself and in a bad mood every day. Therefore, we position both housework and work not as 'obligations' but as 'tasks that should be done by whoever wants to do them.'

The same goes for meals and how we spend our weekends. We don't force ourselves to keep in step and do the same things. It is strictly a matter of individual freedom, done at each person's preferred timing. My wife is not a morning person, so she often sleeps in on Saturdays and Sundays, but since I do my side work and hobbies in the morning, I make good use of that time and can leisurely make breakfast until she wakes up. No one loses anything. There is no benefit in forcibly waking up my wife who likes to sleep in. That is all there is to it.

Hobbies are the same. Each of us enjoys our own hobbies and stays in a good mood, and we only need to share that enjoyment a little bit while having an evening drink; there is no need to share them deeply and intensely. We only need to share the comfort of enjoying ourselves. If you force someone to join in your hobbies or direct your desire for them to understand how good they are, it turns into an expectation in a bad direction, and you get frustrated when it doesn't go as expected. It is important to have a spirit that can be satisfied by doing what you want to do on your own, and you should not expect someone else to provide mental fulfillment.

I don't want to be obsessed with conditional friendships. I think that is one of the secrets to a long-lasting marriage. If you think you understand each other or think you have become one, you lose the emotional leeway to try to understand more or to face each other calmly.

It is enough for the home to be a safe zone. A place or relationship where you can just be together for no reason, where you are not blamed for being together, and where no one gets angry, becomes a safe zone. That is enough. A relationship where you get in a bad mood if you don't do something, or where you are required to do something, cannot be called love.