A life where things I have to do take precedence over things I want to do

I feel like I'm living my life being chased by "things I have to do."

Hello, this is Moyagen.
Lately, I've suddenly realized something.

I have to do this, I have to do that—

I've realized that those words, "have to do," have started to not just push me forward, but almost crush me.

From the moment I wake up in the morning, my head is full of plans.

Work tasks, household chores, replying to emails, shopping lists.

Even when I finish one thing, the next "have to do" shows its face.
It feels like I'm on an endless conveyor belt, looking at the same scenery over and over.

When I was a child, I feel like my days revolved around "things I wanted to do."
I played because I wanted to play. I researched because I wanted to know. I went to see people because I wanted to see them.
That simplicity feels a bit dazzling to me now.

When did the list of "have to do" start overwriting the "want to do"?

Of course, it's not that I hate everything.
While getting through the things I have to do, there are moments where I'm thanked by someone or feel a small sense of accomplishment.
But even that is often swallowed up by the "next thing I have to do."

The time to stop and savor the moment is gradually decreasing.

Perhaps, mixed in with the "have to do" list are things that I actually "don't have to do."

"I have to be a proper person," "I have to meet expectations."

Maybe the sense of duty I've piled up on my own is what's making my daily life so cramped.

So lately, I've been trying something.

I write down the things I think I have to do on a piece of paper.
And then, I circle only the things that are truly necessary for today.

Strangely, I realize that about half of them are things I don't actually have to do.

Instead of being chased by "have to do," I want to increase the days where I'm pulled by "want to do."

That has become a small goal for me right now.