An Analysis of Child-rearing 04 | On Keeping a Child Alive

There are two major types of death that we face in living as human beings.

Biological death and social death.

As parents, keeping our precious children away from biological death is something we do as a matter of course.

However, to what extent do we interfere with social death?

Children live in smaller communities than adults realize.

Family, friends, relatives, kindergartens, nursery schools, elementary schools, junior high schools, and high schools.

Although their world expands with age, they remain within the cage of human relationships regardless.

And it is quite difficult for parents to intervene directly in those spaces.

First of all, dealing with anything after a problem has already occurred is quite difficult.

Therefore, this discussion is about trying to do what we can before problems arise.

For her, who still only belongs to the small communities of family and the children's center, the only thing I can teach her is the 'art of being cherished'.

I believe that for her, who cannot accomplish anything without the help of others, the most important thing for her to have a good time in those places is 'whether adults want to help her'.

So, the first thing I can teach her is 'to be able to ask for help herself'.

The adults she interacts with right now are basically on her side.

And the shortest route for the vulnerable to get the attention of their allies is to issue a clear request for help, such as "Help me" or "Give me a hand."

Let's list a few concrete examples of clear requests for help.

1. Wanting someone to get a toy that is out of reach

2. Having a toy taken away by another child

3. Wanting a toy that another child is playing with

4. Wanting someone to look at a drawing they made

5. Wanting to be praised for being able to do something

6. Simply wanting attention

I think 1, 2, and 3 are easy to understand.

These are requests for help regarding problems that are physically impossible for them to solve.

Items 4, 5, and 6 are requests for help to satisfy the need for approval.

I believe that in order for a child to like, value, and accept themselves, those around them must first show interest to convey that they are cherished, and both sides must acknowledge this.

These are requests for help to get assistance with that, to seek emotional support.

I intentionally make her do these things.

Human beings are creatures that find a sense of purpose in being relied upon.

The idea is to make good use of that.

When I have her take action, there are only three things I do now.

・Determine who is the best person to rely on at that moment

・Create an environment where it is easy for her to reach out

・Translate her words to the other person

That is all.

Even though it is many times easier than guessing what she needs and acting for her, it also comes with the bonus of her having a successful experience of having her request heard.

It is cost-effective.

There may come a time when she, in a position where she cannot hold the key to the cage of human relationships, might look outside the cage while suffering.

At that moment, I want to give her a compass that correctly points in the direction of someone who will reach out to her from inside the cage.

I think this is surely similar to when you leave your parents' home and they ask, "Do you need this?" or "Will you take this home with you?" and send you off with something.

The only difference is that what I am giving her is not something tangible, but something invisible.

When this compass goes haywire.

That is when we, the parents, who are the magnetic field, begin to "interfere"—by getting too close and robbing her of her autonomy, or by staying too far away and causing her anxiety or distrust.

If the magnetic field is disturbed and the needle just spins around and around.

Then it is no longer a compass, but merely a roulette wheel.

Who would ever want to call for help with a roulette wheel? And to give such a thing to my own precious, precious child is out of the question.

Perhaps keeping this compass from going off course, while maintaining an equidistant relationship and pouring plenty of love into her, is what leads to keeping a child alive.