I actually wanted to become the 'stupid woman' I never wanted to be.

I didn't want to be seen as a woman.

That feeling had always been inside me.

I'm not entirely sure why, but perhaps it was the fear of being looked at in a sexual way, or

the fact that I was sexually and power-harassed by my boss when I worked at a startup,

or maybe it was because I had bulimia and was about 10kg heavier than I am now,

which made me try to 'avoid being seen as a woman'.

Whenever I had a boyfriend, I would try dressing in a feminine way that he desired, but

I thought that until very recently.

Lately, though, I've stopped feeling excited about my appearance. lol

Not for anyone else, and not to look good for others,

I wondered what kind of fashion would truly make me feel excited and make me think, 'I want to wear this.'

So, I've been going through a lot of trial and error.

Ever since I was young, my two older sisters would always tell me,

And so on, I was teased (made fun of) a lot

throughout my life, so I think I unconsciously locked away my own sense of style.

But, I decided it was fine if my sisters laughed at me anymore, so

I looked up outfits I liked and bought clothes I liked.

While I was at it, I tried going to an eyebrow salon and replaced my underwear too.

You know, when I was doing girly things.

I realized something.

I, these

"girls on Instagram who seem to live only thinking about 'dressing up' and 'becoming cute'."

I used to hate them, haha.

And, this has been true for a long time, but.

I get super pissed off at "goody-two-shoes heroine characters" in anime and the like lol

It really makes me mad, haha.

Acting like a good girl, doing unnecessary things, and stirring up trouble.

Every time I saw someone like that, I would get annoyed, but

maybe, in reality, I

only doing girly things,

just giggling and laughing,

enjoying fashion and things that don't really matter,

being loved, and fully enjoying life as a girl.

I guess I wanted to be someone like that.

I wanted it so much, and I was so envious that I must have been jealous of others. That's what

I realized.

In truth, I wanted to live only thinking about becoming cute,

I wanted to be like the girls I had looked down on.

And

I've realized it now.

I have,

'being a capable person'
'using my head and thinking'

been doing that a lot until now.

In reality, I want to live thinking only about my appearance and shallow things.

But, I

I thought I would first earn money on my own, and if I had any left over, I would spend it on beauty.

So, I lowered its priority.

That's why,

business courses, opportunities where I could grow, and things like that

I would easily pay hundreds of thousands, or even millions of yen for those, but

when it came to beauty and clothes... I suddenly couldn't spend money on them.

Not yet, that's not allowed.
Not yet, I shouldn't go there.

I have always, always put them off until later.

But you know,

———When will I finally be able to spend money on clothes and fashion?

No matter how far you go, there is no final destination to earning money.

Even though I earn quite a bit, I still can't shake the feeling of “not enough yet” and

I have always put my own true feelings on the back burner.

I can't pay for things unless they lead to something after that.

When I told people that,

they said, "That's a very masculine way of spending money, lol."

From now on, I want to

spend money on things I thought were pointless.

• Like an eyelash perm,

• like nails that I thought had no meaning,

• and like hair color.

• Clothes that I might get tired of right away,

• dresses that aren't versatile,

things like that, things just to make myself happy, it's time to prioritize spending money on them.

That was the story of how I came to that realization.

That's what I thought.

I didn't want to act like a 'girly girl,' but I guess I was more of one than anyone else, huh? lol

Things like my own 'femininity'

I've been thinking lately that I want to cherish, value, and adore it more.

What kind of money do you spend purely and simply to make yourself happy?

It's not just about self-investment; I realized that investing a lot of 'wasted' money into soul nourishment (excitement) is

also quite fun.

See you later.

Nobi

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