Photography—A way for people who aren't 'honest' to 'honestly leave behind meaning'?

I've never been good at just honestly enjoying things—

For example, even at a drinking party, I can't just honestly enjoy the food or conversation...
I always feel a bit awkward.

It's not that I dislike it, but...
I can only feel satisfied that it 'had meaning'
if there's a role or purpose for me to be there.

—In times like that,taking photos is really great,isn't it?

For one thing, I can move naturally. It fills the gaps, and
if I move around to take pictures, I can talk to all sorts of people.
And above all, the fact that it 'remains' is what's good.

Things that aren't recorded might as well have never happened.
...Maybe I have a tendency to think that way.

So, I make it a point to diligently preserve those'moments'in life with photos and such.

(Though, these days taking photos without permission can be an issue, so I have to be careful about that 😅 I make sure to ask before I take them.)

▼Savoring the inconvenience?

'Hiru' (Daisuke Imai)—this is a line from a manga, but...

This is a tough pill to swallow, but I think it's a very good line.

If you're always avoiding misfortune,
or if you forget everything,
it's true that you might lose the ability to know the taste of happiness.

Since there is no absolute standard for happiness or unhappiness,
in the end, you can only feel it relatively.

You never know what will happen in life,
but even if you don't have the composure or strength to savor it in the moment,
if you leave behind a record (memory)...
there might come a time when looking back on it touches your heart.

Well, how should I put it, of course it's about preserving fun times, but...
no matter how uninteresting or crappy a time it was,
if you look back at the photos later...
you can often laugh and say, 'Man, that was such a piece of 💩 lol' lol

Even if it was painful at the time, when you look back on it, it's like it was a spice of life, right?

▼ The happiness of looking back

Life isn't just about capturing a moment and calling it "happy" or "unhappy," is it?
It's not really like that...
It's the accumulation of hard times and fun times,
and life is what you look back on and say, "lol, thinking back now..."

There's a manga I love...
"Death Row Prisoner 042" (Yua Kotegawa) and a passage from it is very profound.

For me, none of the characters in the story feel like strangers...
When I read this, it really resonated with me.

That's why... I want to preserve someone's"unforgettable moment"—

When I take photos,
maybe that feeling is part of it too, lol.

▼ Conclusion

But, before I know it, I'm just taking photos...
and I'm usually not in them, lol.

When I'm shooting,
is the camera me, or am I the camera...
the boundary just disappears.

That feeling, it's just"nothingness", lol.

But, I think to myself sometimes.

"I think,—therefore the world exists."

When I take photos, I am not in them.
At first glance, it looks like I 'wasn't there'—
But actually, it might be the trace of 'the person who was watching that scene more than anyone else.' (That's kind of scary, lol)

The feeling that others and the scene become real through my 'perception' and 'act of recording'...
Is this like, 'leaving behind the meaning of the world by abandoning self-proof'?

Perhaps, rather than saying 'I was here,' I might want to prove myself by saying 'I was watching this world.'

...Or so I think with a 'blank' face while I'm shooting.
(Wait? Wasn't my 'mind' supposed to be 'blank'? lol)

So, in the end—

Why do I take photos?

It's because it 'fills the gap,' and because 'I'm not good at being in photos.'

That's the conclusion I keep coming back to, which feels the most right...🙃

Well. That's just how life is.

Anyway, thank you for joining me again today.
I hope this question could serve as an entrance to a new 'question' for you.

Cited works:

Hiru
Questions what it means to 'live' beyond just surviving, what life is, and what love is.
Link to article
Connects to the conclusion that even if things are painful, when you look back on them, they are the spice of life, based on the words of a detective in the story.

Shikeishu 042
Ethical questions that approach human dignity, such as 'to what extent should people be forgiven?' and 'is the death penalty truly just?'
Link to article
Connects to a view of life where life is not defined by capturing a single moment as 'happy' or 'unhappy,' but is something to be savored by looking back on it as a accumulation of difficult and fun times.