#2 The Relationship Between Complexes and 'Likes'

Do you have any complexes about anything? Starting from a memory in my first year of elementary school, I have three clearly defined objects of my complexes. In chronological order, they are 'running,' 'mathematics,' and 'the trumpet.' There seem to be cultural differences in how we deal with complexes; in Japan, we are taught to overcome them, while in the U.S., it seems the approach is to guide people toward areas of strength where they don't feel such complexes.

In a physical education class during my first year of elementary school, something happened. We had a relay race in teams of about five, and my team came in last. The other members told me, 'We lost because of you,' which made me feel miserable. Even later, when I became a teacher and participated in a relay race as part of the 'faculty team' at a sports day, I remembered that moment. I couldn't escape the intense pressure of 'I am slow at running.'

Since I went to a private combined junior and senior high school, I struggled with mathematics. The pace was such that we finished junior high math during the first year and started high school math in the second year, and in class, we used a workbook called '800 Selected Math Problems' alongside our textbook. Five years later, after successfully passing my university entrance exams, I thought, 'I'm in a liberal arts department now, so I'm done with math!' The action I took was to punish the '800 Selected Problems that stole my precious free time in high school' by literally tearing them to pieces and throwing them away. In South Korea and China, there is a custom of tearing up and throwing away reference books once entrance exams are over, and I might have felt something similar. In any case, I thought, 'I will never touch math again.'

Also, starting in junior high school, I began playing the trumpet in the brass band. I participated in competitions and, on the surface, I was enjoying club activities, but in reality, I felt a strong complex. This was because there was a senior two years ahead of me who was very good at the trumpet (he was playing Haydn's concerto in his first year of high school, so he was quite skilled), and I was always compared to him. I was constantly told, 'You need to be able to play as well as Senior S' or 'I'm worried if you're the first chair,' and what should have been fun music became a complete object of my complex. I have almost no memories of enjoying playing.

Now, when I think about what I like, it corresponds perfectly with the three pressures mentioned above. At 44, for some reason, I suddenly started marathon running. At first, I could barely run 2km, but I increased the distance to 5km, 10km, a half-marathon, and 30km, until I was able to complete a full marathon. Mathematics, which I thought I would 'never touch again,' became an essential tool when I aimed to study AI, changing from something I 'had to do because it was an exam subject' to a 'tool to get closer to my interests,' and I grew to like it. A complex might actually be an emotion directed at an object that 'I was actually interested in, but for some reason, it just didn't go well.' If that's the case, if I can just remove 'some reason,' it might become a lifelong friend.

I have continued to run away from the third one, the trumpet, and now I play the saxophone and flute. Even so, when I listen to Haydn's Trumpet Concerto, I strongly feel, 'I want to play this someday.' Senior S started the trumpet in his first year of junior high and was playing that piece by his first year of high school. If so, couldn't I play it too if I practiced for about 10 years? Since the elementary school student who lost the relay race later ran a full marathon, and the high school student who tore up his math workbook is going to a doctoral program in AI at 50, I think, maybe I can play Haydn someday too.

The video below is Haydn's Trumpet Concerto (3rd movement) performed by my favorite trumpet player, Ole Edvard Antonsen of Norway, and the Bergen Philharmonic Orchestra (2006). When Kioi Hall in Yotsuya, Tokyo, opened in 1995, I went to hear the opening concert, and I remembered the opening fanfare he played.

My saxophone and flute teacher would probably scold me, saying, 'Stop cheating on your instruments.' But I hope to be able to play it someday and make my third complex a lifelong companion as well.
(June 27, 2023)